“Or we can just watch Alien Encounters and eat pizza and talk about what a terrible person Clay is and I’ll go into great detail about how miserable he made me.” I try to give her a brave smile, but I feel like crying all over again. I shouldn’t be this affected by a day or two spent with Clay Price, but I am. I’m utterly miserable.
She unfolds her legs from the couch and moves to my side. Her arm goes around my shoulders. “Oh, Natalie. You know I like everyone’s misery but yours.”
I rest my head on her shoulder. “Thanks, Lex.”
“Of course,” she says, patting my head like I’m a dog. “Let’s compromise. We’ll stay in and watch The Bachelor and question everyone’s life choices.”
I chuckle despite my unhappiness. “Sounds like a plan.”
Clay
“What’s crawled up your ass?” Seth grabs a beer from my fridge and plops down on the ramshackle couch in the living room of my single-wide. Ever since Boone got married and tore down his trailer, mine’s become the unofficial meeting spot of all our brothers.
“Shouldn’t you be at work?” He should be out in West Texas, roughnecking. Even though he gets his share of the Price Brothers Oil money, Boone wants him to do his turn on the rigs so he can appreciate how good we have it. I glare at him from my side of the couch, my arms crossed over my chest. I’m sittin’ in front of the TV, mopin’, just like I have for the last few days.
“Shouldn’t you be watchin’ somethin’ other than Animal Planet?” Seth retorts, grabbing the control from my side of the couch and turning the TV to wrestling.
I shrug. Wasn’t watchin’ it. Wasn’t doin’ much other than thinkin’ about Nat. How I done fucked up everything all over again. How I’m gonna get her to forgive me when I’ve done the unforgivable.
Seth just gives me a weird look. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.” Don’t feel like talking about it, especially to my youngest brother. He’s clueless about women. Not that I’m exactly killing it in that area, either.
The door to my trailer opens and Knox strolls in. Fuckin’ great. “Let me guess, Gage is about to show up, too.”
“Damn,” Knox says, unruffled by my surly attitude. “Someone’s got blue balls like crazy.” He heads to the fridge and studies my beer collection. “All you got is Natty? No Corona?”
“I got the last one,” Seth says, taking a swig of his beer in triumph.
Knox comes over and grabs it out of Seth’s hand, and then the two start wrestlin’ over the damn bottle. Normally I’d join in for a bit of horseplay and noogie Seth on the head a few times, but it don’t appeal to me much today. Not much does. I just glare at the two of ’em. “Ain’t y’all got somewhere else to be?”
They stop and stare at me like I’ve grown another head. “I think our brother’s sick,” Seth says. “This ain’t like him.”
Knox just gives me a knowing smile. “Things goin’ bad with Natalie?”
“Natalie?” Seth looks interested. “Like, Natalie from back when you were in high school Natalie? Is that the girl you were yakking about the other day?”
I just glare at Knox. He had to open his big mouth. “Fuck off.”
“Wait, what’s going on with Natalie?” Seth tries to wrestle his beer back from Knox’s hands. “Why is this the first time I’m hearin’ about it? Here I thought you were all talky because you got your dick wet. Why didn’t anyone tell me it was high school Natalie?”
The last thing I want to do is talk about this to both of them. “‘Cause it ain’t none of your business? Both of you, get out of here. Leave me the fuck alone.”
They both seem surprised at my reaction. I’m normally the one that doesn’t mind company, or horseplay. Tonight, though, I just wanna be left alone to mope, like I have for the last few days.
Knox hands the beer back to Seth. “You should head out, man. Me and Clay need to talk.”
Seth makes a sound of protest. “Why do I have to leave? I was here first—”
“‘Cause if you don’t, I’m gonna tell Boone you’ve skipped out on work twice this week and I had to lie to your foreman for you.”
“Damn it,” Seth whines, and flings himself up off the couch. “Fine, but I’m takin’ the new Madden game with me.” He snatches it off my TV.
I just shrug. Whatever. Ain’t been in the mood for games. I stare at the TV and the match on screen without really seeing it.
Seth storms off, and then Knox gets up and locks the front door, then returns to the far end of the couch, thumping down. He gives me a curious look. “Operation: Scoundrel not going so well?”
“More like Operation: Dumbass,” I bite out. “Or Operation: Asshole.”
“She not put out?” Knox asks mildly.
I give him a scathing look. I want to tell him to fuck off for even darin’ to mention my Natalie like that, but the need to unburden myself is eatin’ away at my gut. After a moment, I admit, “I made her cry.”
“So?”
Rage boils through me. He doesn’t care that I fucking hurt her? Because I fucking care. “What do you mean, so?”
Knox just gives me a calm, steady look. “You’re the one that’s supposed to be ruthless, bro. Supposed to finally get what you want from her, no feelin’s involved.” He gives his head a slow shake. “Should have known that you wouldn’t be able to hold it together. You’re too nice.”
I don’t feel particularly nice right now. I feel kinda like a creep. A user. A guy that made his girl cry. “I’m just fuckin’ up everything.”
“You might be,” Knox agrees cheerfully. “What was her mood like this mornin’?”
I glare at him.
“That bad?”
“It’s none of your business.”
Knox grabs one of the couch cushions and smacks me with it. “I’m tryin’ to help you, idiot. Just spit it out already. Can’t be that bad.”
I clench my jaw and snag the cushion when he hits me with it, and then I throw it across the room. “I don’t know what her mood was like this morning,” I admit. “Or yesterday morning. I’ve been avoiding her for three days. Ever since . . .” I snap my jaw, going silent. Doesn’t feel right talking about sex with Natalie in front of Knox. That shit’s private.
My brother’s silent. I glance over at him and he’s staring at me with wide eyes. “You haven’t seen her in three days?”
“No,” I admit gruffly.
“And the last time you saw her, you made her cry?”
I nod, silent. I ain’t proud. I just want to know how to fix it.
“Was it something you said?” When I glare at him, he chuckles. “Never mind. Of course it was. So how come you haven’t seen her in three days?”
I scrub at my face with my hand. “Just . . . I don’t know. Didn’t want to look at her and see the hurt in her eyes. Thought it might be best if I left her alone.”
“I’m pretty sure abandoning a chick after you nailed her isn’t gonna make things better,” Knox says in a mild voice. “In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna make it worse.”
“Well, what the fuck else am I supposed to do?”
“You try apologizing?” he asks.
I’m silent. Because no, I didn’t try apologizin’. Didn’t seem right. I’m sorry I stuck my dick in you and we both enjoyed it until you didn’t. I just . . . up and left. And told her not to leave because I hadn’t finished with her yet. Yeah, I think I’m fucking this up good. Ugh. “I screwed up,” I admit to Knox. “Figure at this point if I just say ‘sorry’ it’s gonna piss her off more.”
“So you’re just going to keep ignoring her?” His eyebrows go up. “Can I just go on record sayin’ that this is a bad idea?”
I’m sure he ain’t wrong. “I don’t know how to fix this shit.”
“Depends on how you want it fixed. What do you want from her? Just a bit of pussy now and then? You already got that.”
I’m silent, rubbing my knuckles as I think. There’s no encouraging message written there today. If I did, it’d be a S for “stupid” instead of “scoundrel.” Right now I’m feeling plenty stupid. I don’t got a lot of experience on how to keep a girl happy. I’m clearly terrible at it. “I want her to smile when I touch her instead of cryin’.”
“You want her to be in love with you,” Knox says bluntly. “Thought there weren’t gonna be any emotions attached in this scenario?”
I scrub at my beard with my hand. Even that small movement makes me think about how my beard rubbed her face raw. It’s like everything I do is totally thoughtless and fucks her up. Man. I am such an ass. “That was before I saw her again. I think I’m still in love with her, Knox. I just want her to be happy. I want her back. Thought I was mad at her for all that shit seven years ago, but . . . I think I just want her.”
“You got her. You paid her to be yours.”
The thought makes my gut clench. “I don’t want her like that.”
“How do you want her, then?”
I want her smiling and willing. I want her to love me. I want her eyes to get soft when she looks at me, and I want her to curl up against me when she’s sleepy. I want my hand on her knee as we have dinner. I want her laughter. I want her everything. “Not forced to be with me,” I say softly. “I want her to be with me because she wants to be there.”
Knox snorts. “Then romance her, ya dumbass.”
“Don’t think I can un-ring that bell,” I tell him flatly. “I screwed up any chance I had of romancing her with this whole ‘pay her to be my assistant’ thing. It was a dumb fuckin’ idea.”