Don't Let Go

It was freezing out. Not really, but colder than my thin robe and bare feet like to dance with for long. Luckily, my newspaper was just a few feet off the porch, and Mrs. Mercer couldn’t frown too much about my attire.

 

Not that I cared. Mrs. Mercer was likely the only one to ever see me that undressed again.

 

But it was okay. Just not being depressed on this day was a first. For the first time in so many years, I could face January 29 with joy, because I knew the person it belonged to.

 

“You should teach Harley to come pick that up for you,” said a voice to my left as I stooped to pick it up; it sent my skin to a whole new level of goose bumps.

 

I dropped the paper as I whirled around, leaned over to pick it up again, and stood up feeling like a jumping bean. How the hell did he always manage to catch me naked? And then that thought dissolved as the expression on Noah’s face warmed me from my very core on out.

 

Gone were the tortured, troubled, conflicted expressions that I’d become used to seeing on his face. In its place was a calm, a contentment. Dare I say he even looked happy? Had that been there last night?

 

They offered him his dream job.

 

He was leaving. This was my good-bye.

 

Everything in me died.

 

“I—um—well, if I did that, what exercise would I get?” I said.

 

Jesus, what drivel was that? I wrapped my arms around myself and wished for an ankle-length robe. One that wasn’t sending frigid air and too-close-to Noah-vibes up into my girlie parts. No, it wasn’t just being so close. It was the look. Not the death glare. Something entirely different, and damn it to hell I was just getting used to the other one.

 

“Today is Seth’s birthday,” Noah said, not blinking.

 

“Yes, it is,” I said, a small smile pulling at my lips. “First time I can actually put a name to it.”

 

“Do you have to work today?”

 

What the hell was this? “Yes, it’s the first day of the carnival, it’ll be crazy down there.” I licked my lips and adjusted my robe. “What’s up, Noah?”

 

His expression grew real. Too real. “Wanted to talk to you.”

 

I nodded, feeling my heart go numb. “Okay.”

 

“But what’s Mrs. Mercer gonna say when I follow you into your house now, with you just wearing that?” Noah said, gesturing toward me and then waving toward her window.

 

Was he playing with me? I couldn’t tell. He was different, but if he was jacking with my head, it wasn’t funny. I tilted my head to study his eyes and clenched the paper tighter in my hand.

 

“Follow me in?” My knees started to shake for reasons that had little to do with the cold. “That’s okay, we can talk out here.”

 

“You aren’t quite dressed for it,” he said, his voice smooth.

 

“If you came to tell me good-bye, Noah, I’d rather it not be in my house,” I said. I was pretty impressed that the words made it out of my mouth without pause or stutter.

 

His eyes narrowed just slightly. “And if I came to tell you I love you?” he said, taking a step closer. “Do I get to come in then?”

 

All my breath whooshed out of me like a hippopotamus sat on my chest, hope dancing around on top, and the newspaper landed on my foot with a thud.

 

“Not fair,” I whispered.

 

Noah’s eyes smiled as he picked up the paper at my feet and rose again only inches away. “Never claimed to play fair,” he said.

 

His smell enveloped me, subtle and oh so sexy, making my senses take off like a tornado. I wanted to climb inside his jacket and live there forever. But that wasn’t an option. For days I’d waited. Waited for this moment. For him to leave again. To tell him good-bye. And now—what the hell did he just say?

 

My mouth worked with rapid-fire questions pinging my brain, but it wouldn’t form the words.

 

“Shayna’s gone,” he said.

 

“You said that last night,” I said. “I’m sorry. I know you wanted that.”

 

“We weren’t going to make it, Jules,” he said. “We both knew it. It was a last-ditch effort we were making for the baby.” His jaw tightened. “But now—”

 

“You could have been—”

 

“I’m taken, Jules.” Noah’s hands landed on my upper arms, and the heat branded me through the thin fabric. “I always have been, I was just too bullheaded to face it.”

 

“So what are you saying?” I asked, my head swimming.

 

“Clearly not enough,” he said, laughing. “Did you miss the part earlier when I said—”

 

“No, I heard you,” I said, my fingers landing on his lips to keep him from saying it again. “That’s back where my heart stopped, I’m pretty clear on it.” His eyes darkened with desire at my touch, and that along with the feel of his mouth under my fingertips sent heat to every inch of my body. Was it possible to sweat in forty-degree weather with nothing on but a piece of faux silk? I dropped my hand but he caught it, holding it against his chest. Yeah, not better. “I just—it’s not that simple, Noah.”

 

“Oh, yes, it is,” he said, using my hand to pull me closer. “It’s what I should have depended on back then, and I didn’t.” His gaze bored into mine. “I won’t make that mistake again.”

 

“But your job interview,” I began. “It—you got what you wanted, didn’t you? I can see it on your face.”

 

“Really? I’m that eaten up that my job is what’s on my face right now?” he said. “Because that is very much not what I’m trying to say.”

 

“So you did get it?”

 

“I did,” he said, so close that I could feel the heat from his body.

 

My breathing quickened. “And?”

 

“And it’s a job, not a life,” he said. “I’ve had it the other way around. This time’s different. Part of the deal was that I live wherever I want,” he finished. “With the woman I love.” His hands slid upward into my hair, holding my head as he leaned his face toward mine. “I . . . am . . . taken,” he said softly, not blinking. “Do you understand?”

 

My heart was thundering in my ears. “Starting to catch on.”

 

His lips brushed my forehead and then moved down my cheek. “Thank God.”

 

“Hmm,” I whispered, my hands moving upward to his face all on their own. “No more obstacles?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“No girlfriends—”

 

“Maybe one girlfriend, if she’ll have me,” he said, his lips touching mine lightly and making my bare toes curl on the sidewalk.

 

“No ‘Love Shack’?” I said against his mouth.

 

“I’ll throw my phone in the toilet,” he said, claiming my lips with his. “I’m yours.” It was the friggin’ sexiest thing anyone had ever said to me.

 

His mouth was warm and electric and on fire. And mine. He was mine. Hot emotion burned my eyes at that realization as I wound my arms around his neck and pulled his head in tighter to me. The ground left me as he lifted me off my feet, kissing me like a man starved.

 

“We should probably go in,” he said finally on a breath, then kissing me again. “Mrs. Mercer’s going to have cardiac arrest.”

 

“So might I,” I breathed.

 

“You don’t have a man upstairs again, do you?”

 

“Not today, it’s been a slow week.”

 

He chuckled and drew my bottom lip between his teeth, running his tongue along it and making my fingers tingle. “For me, too.”

 

“We should remedy that.”

 

Noah groaned against my lips, and I felt his fingers flex in my hair and around my waist where he held me up. “Is that an invitation?”

 

It was everything in my power not to wrap my legs around him right there in the front yard and hump him like a dog. God, I’d never wanted or needed anyone more than I wanted him. Right there.

 

“I love you, Noah,” I said with every ounce of everything I had in me, and relishing the rush of emotion that passed across his face.

 

“Those are good words,” he said, his voice a whisper.

 

“Yeah,” I whispered back.

 

Gently, he set me on my feet and took my hand, and we walked up the porch steps and through the front door. Harley was back asleep on the couch, guard dog that she was, but I was grateful. I didn’t want the distraction. I didn’t want him to have to stop for anything.

 

I didn’t even pause to turn around as he closed the door behind us. I walked steadily up the stairs, letting the robe slip off me as I went.

 

“Jesus,” I heard him mutter under his breath before the sounds of footsteps followed me.

 

By the time I reached my bedroom, my need was cranked so high he could have made me orgasm from the stairway. And the look on his face when he reached the doorway and I turned to face him just about did it.

 

His eyes did a slow drag of my body, stopping at my face with a look of so much—everything—I had to grip the bedpost behind me. Not in twenty-six years had I seen intensity like that. Desire, lust, love, happiness and—raw energy. He approached me slowly, never taking his eyes off mine, and when he simply pushed a strand of hair from my eyes, my knees nearly buckled.

 

“Say it again,” I whispered raggedly.

 

“I love you, Jules,” he said, his eyes dark with heat and love and something primal. Shit, that took my breath away. “And you’re lucky I didn’t know you were naked under that robe or we’d have never made it to the porch.”

 

Oh, holy crap. I started unbuttoning his shirt with trembling fingers, trying to keep from just ripping it apart.

 

“Are you saying that you want me?” I asked, smiling up at him, attempting cute through my haze of lust.

 

Electricity emanated off him, like we’d spark if we rubbed together too much. Oh, I was all about finding that out. I almost had those damn buttons undone, and I needed him. I needed skin.

 

“I’m saying I really planned on making love to you slow and sexy, but—”

 

The last button gave way and I went for his chest with my mouth, cutting off his words as he sucked in a breath. He tasted as amazing as he smelled. I couldn’t do slow. I was about to derail.

 

“Oh, God, Noah, please,” I said against his chest, my nails raking down his abdomen as I set to work on his jeans.

 

“Holy fuck,” he growled, his fingers tangling in my hair as he grabbed my head and tugged it back. “I need you, Jules.”

 

“I need you now,” I said, my voice sounding odd and animalistic to my ears. “Please, let’s do slow later.”

 

Noah’s mouth came down on mine with a smile. “God, I love you,” he breathed, ridding himself of his jeans in two seconds flat.

 

Skin to skin, his kisses diving deeper, his hands roaming my body, I lit on fire. I couldn’t get close enough. One lift and I was up and wrapped around him, hard body in front of me and hard bedpost at my back.

 

His shoulder muscles rippled as he held me in place and his expression was all fire as he looked into my eyes.

 

“Say it again,” he said through his teeth, playing on my words in a much hotter way.

 

I moved against him, his hair in my hands. “I love you.”

 

Growling desire, his fingers found me, and as I moaned and bucked with arousal at his touch, he thrust into me.

 

Oh, God, finally. We both cried out, the sounds foreign and primal as we finally got what we wanted. His fingers dug into my thighs as he slammed into me again and again. The post punished my back, but all I could feel was the exquisite torture of riding a building wave. And all I could see was my Noah. My Noah. His face contorted with exertion and ecstasy as he rode that wave with me. It didn’t take me long. My body started to shake uncontrollably as I reached the top and digging into his shoulders wasn’t enough. I arched into it, reaching over my head to the bedpost behind me as it twisted me out of control.

 

Crazy noises came from my throat, from somewhere I’d never visited before. Noises of losing control. Screaming his name. It was taking me over. Through it all, I heard him rumbling and cursing and then it was hitting him. His whole body shook as he pounded me harder and let out his own roar of release.

 

We came down together, slowing down, my arms wrapped around his head, our bodies slick with sweat. Both still trembling and gasping for air, whispering each other’s names. And I was hit with something very exposed. We were one again. After twenty-six years, we were one. I leaned back to take his face in my hands and was touched to the core by the look in his eyes.

 

“Say it again,” he breathed.

 

Laughter bubbled up from my chest, and I kissed him, saying the words against his lips.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you back.”

 

I would never, ever get tired of that.

 

“Well, that didn’t take long. So much for foreplay, huh?” he said, a sheepish grin pulling at his lips.

 

“My living room floor was foreplay, baby,” I said. “I’ve been ready for you ever since.”

 

He chuckled silently. “Me too.”

 

“That was hot,” I said.

 

He leaned his head back to look in my eyes. “Like that, did you?”

 

“Oh, my God.”

 

“Well, I’m glad, because I can’t feel my legs anymore,” he said.

 

“They’re probably off visiting my spine wherever it went to live,” I said, now feeling the bedpost a little more now that the monkey sex wasn’t distracting me.

 

Laughing, he let go of one leg at a time as we tried to disentangle ourselves and flop onto the bed.

 

“Think we’re too old for crazy like that?” he asked, threading his fingers through mine.

 

I looked at his body, and my God he was glorious. There was nothing old there.

 

“Hell, no,” I said. “In fact, that’s how I want to go out.”

 

Noah grinned, rolling onto his side. “Banged against a bedpost?”

 

“When I’m eighty,” I said. “No, eighty-nine. Ninety-five.”

 

“Damn, we’d better get a gym membership,” he said.

 

Laughing, I leaned in to kiss him, enjoying the soft slowness of it. His fingers played in my hair as we languished in the moment. God, he was delicious.

 

“I’ve missed you,” I said softly, kissing him again.

 

“So have I,” he said, looking into my eyes. “Never have to again.”

 

It was surreal. “I almost can’t believe we’re here.”

 

“I can’t believe I finally had sex in this house,” he said, and then grimaced. “Probably a little late to ask if Becca is here, huh?”

 

I snickered and thumped him in the chest. “Yeah, I wouldn’t be dropping my robe for you on the steps if she were.”

 

“God, that was hot,” he said, running a hand over my hip as if remembering where his eyes had traveled.

 

“Way outside my box,” I said on a chuckle. “Never done that before.”

 

“I’ll let you do it again,” he said, nuzzling my neck.

 

“Oh, you will, will you?” I said, closing my eyes to enjoy it.

 

“I’m generous like that,” he said. “Anytime you want is fine.”

 

I laughed with him and our eyes met for a quiet moment. The feeling was so overwhelming, my whole body tingled with goose bumps.

 

He noticed and ran a hand over my arm. “You okay?”

 

“I really thought you were leaving,” I said.

 

He shook his head. “Never again.”

 

“I love you,” I said, touching his face, and watching his expression change with the words. He inhaled quickly and blinked, and I knew I always wanted to do that. Keep him surprised and take his breath away.

 

“I’ve always loved you, Jules,” he said. “I’m sorry for leaving that behind.”

 

I shook my head. “No more sorries. We move on from here.” I kissed his lips and relished the rush of being able to do that at will. “You’ve had my heart from the first time you ever kissed me till now. Even when I took your ring off, I just closed up everything inside so no one else could go where you’d been.”

 

“Lord, that tiny ring,” he said, lifting my hand and threading his fingers through mine. “I saved forever to get that tiny little chip.” Noah smiled and kissed my fingers.

 

“I still have it,” I said.

 

He looked at me in surprise. “Seriously?”

 

“Of course,” I said. “What did you think, that I’d throw it away?”

 

He widened his eyes. “Basically.”

 

I frowned and shook my head, rolling away. “Hang on a second. Let me show you something.” I got up and strolled naked to my hope chest, which sat under a window and held everything special to me since I was twelve. Inside, under two quilts, multiple boxes of cards and mementos, and all of Becca’s baby stuff, was a small wooden box. I pulled it out and went back to join him, where he still lay propped up on one hand, watching me.

 

“You’re beautiful, Jules,” he breathed.

 

I warmed from my scalp on down and smiled at him. “I’m yours.”

 

I took a little preparatory breath before opening the box that had remained closed for over two decades. The little hinges squeaked as I lifted the lid.

 

Yellowed paper notes, folded and stacked, were inside. Along with a small black fuzzy box, some Polaroid photos of us being silly and one of me about six months pregnant, a piece of string, my hospital bracelet, and a foil-covered roll of LifeSavers without the label.

 

Noah picked up the LifeSavers and looked at me in question.

 

“You bought them for me on the way to the hospital,” I said, causing his eyes to water. “Hey.” I touched his cheek.

 

“I can’t believe you saved that,” he said, his voice thick with emotion.

 

“It mattered,” I said. I picked up the string and held it to my lips. “So did this.”

 

Noah grinned and wiped quickly at his eyes. “The real first ring.”

 

I smiled. “Yep.” I reached for the black box, but he covered my hand.

 

“I don’t want to see that, baby.”

 

“Um—okay.”

 

He blinked and another tear fell out that he whisked away with annoyance. “I made you take that off and bury it away. It’s tainted—it was from an us that didn’t get to finish.”

 

My eyes filled at the emotional words from him. Especially when he picked up the little piece of string and sat up.

 

Taking my left hand, he started tying it onto my finger, as I watched, unable to speak.

 

“One day I’m gonna put another ring on this finger. When we’re ready,” he said, clearing his throat of the emotion that was taking over. “That may sound fast, but it isn’t really. We’ve just been on hold for a long time. This time I don’t let go.”

 

My chin trembled and I tried unsuccessfully to blink back tears as I looked at the little string on my finger again and nervous laughter bubbled up from my chest.

 

“Is that a proposal?”

 

“Well, this is the proposal string, isn’t it?” he asked.

 

I laughed and pulled him back down to me, kissing him until it got serious again and he rolled over, pulling me on top of him.

 

“Mmm,” I said against his chest, loving the feel of his body responding under me. “You know all that noise you made earlier? I’m gonna make you do that again.”

 

His eyes darkened. “Well, that’s a coincidence. I was thinking the same thing about you.”

 

“I like the sound of that,” I purred.

 

“Very slowly,” he said. “Starting with my mouth.”

 

Holy crap, I was halfway there.