I’d struggled to stay alive as that speck.

I had no reserves to stay clinging to the strange kaleidoscope my world had become. No power to endure the flickering in and out of lucidity.

But...

As time ticked onward, I grew stronger.

My speck grew to a seed and the seed into a vine. A vine that somehow latched onto the glowing string that occasionally lit up my dark world.

Her.

Whenever she touched me, she managed to tug me back a little more.

I had no comprehension of time and space, but as long as she touched me, I could stay with her instead of fading away.

Even though I didn’t know her name or recall her face, I knew she was special. I knew she was the reason I had to clutch to whatever scraps of aliveness I could.

And she had to keep holding on to me.

Otherwise, I would lose everything.

I’d...go.

To where, I didn’t know.

But it was a destination with a one-way ticket, and I wasn’t finished yet.

I needed to tell her something. Words I couldn’t remember, and apologies I didn’t know how to say.

But then, something changed.

The routine of my shadowy, silent world switched.

She stopped touching me.

The stability of whatever form I hid within became inherently unstable.

I sloshed up the sides of whatever container I was trapped in. I couldn’t brace myself against the motion that rocked me from side to side. I couldn’t tense against the sudden swoop of flight.

All I could do was remain gagged and blindfolded, too weak to move, too broken to cry out.

* * * * *

The string was back, warm and comforting around me.

I sighed and settled, the calamity in my blackened mind hushed.

I’d vanished for a while.

My consciousness clocking out as if I’d slept, even within this dark dimension.

But thanks to her, I was awake.

And I had more pieces to fit into the puzzle I couldn’t figure out.

I’m alive.

But I was also...not.

I’m a monster.

But I was also...human.

And if I was human, that meant I had legs and arms, fingers and toes. I should be able to move such things, to alert the girl keeping me bound that I could feel her. I might not be able to hear or see but I felt her.

She was the only reason the darkness hadn’t claimed me. It couldn’t because she’d claimed me. She was the only glow of hope in my otherwise pitch-black limbo.

But then, she let go again.

The string unravelled.

And I fell.

* * * * *

I blinked within my kaleidoscope world.

I blinked.

I had form again. Or at least...the knowledge of form.

I couldn’t see my body or signal responses of ownership, but phantom parts obeyed me. I blinked past the alternating shadows and contorting colours of chaos. I searched the blackness for signs of the glowing, humming string.

Nothing.

All progress I’d made reverted.

I forgot...

I forgot what blinking was.

I felt ice lap around the existence I fought for.

I couldn’t fight it, couldn’t stop it.

No.

I want to stay.

I want her to touch me.

Please, touch me!

But no string, no bind, no hope.

I slipped under again.

* * * * *

I gasped this time.

Aware that I once had lungs and those lungs still functioned, even if I couldn’t feel them.

I blinked in the blackness, and thankfulness swept through me.

The string.

It was back.

She was back.

I floated or flew, or maybe I crawled. Whatever method of movement I had, I made my way to her and wrapped a non-existent hand through the tether she offered.

I held on with strength I hadn’t had in a while.

I needed her to feel my answer.

She had to know I couldn’t exist in this darkness without her.

She couldn’t let go again.

She was the only thing I had left.

Chapter Nineteen

I’D LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT myself in the thirty-one-hour journey from Geneva back to Goddess Isles.

More than one thing, actually.

One, I could discuss the disposal of Drake’s body as if he was a discarded banana peel. Agreeing with the mercenary to dismember and bury his pieces in undisclosed locations before he vowed his allegiance to me and tried to travel with me back to Goddess Isles.

I’d refused his escort, even though he’d pledged to Sully that he’d protect me. I already had far too much company: our flying convoy with doctors, machines, and potential death stalking our every move was enough. And besides, with Drake gone, Sully’s greatest enemy couldn’t hurt us anymore.

Two, I could fake bravery and somehow look into the eyes of the three doctors and smile when they smiled and make sense of the regular updates of his condition as he worsened and improved. I learned how to ignore exhaustion and somehow shut down my feelings so they didn’t get in the way of caring for Sully while in the sky.

Three, every time I believed I’d reached my capacity for tragedy, I found a deeper well of strength in which to tap. A well that was bound to dry up eventually, but thankfully had kept me breathing while Sully did his best to crash.

Three times he’d almost died again.

Three times his pulse faded, and three times the doctors prepared the defib and drugs to kick-start him.

And each time, I’d swallowed my tears until my throat was raw and clung fiercely to his hand. I’d pressed my forehead to his. I’d murmured things. Nonsense things. I’d kneeled on the aircraft floor and bowed over his stretcher, plastering myself to his unresponsive body.

The doctors had withdrawn after doing what medical attempts they could provide. They patted my shoulder in consolation as if this time was the time.

The moment when Sully gave up.

But...with my hand in his and my breath skating over his cheek, his pulse hiccupped and restarted with a stronger beat. I’d drift into delirious sleep while draped over him, rocked by the plane and high above the clouds, and as long as we stayed linked, he breathed.

Dr Campbell had been right.

That journey was the longest damn journey of my life.

I never wanted to repeat the panic of hearing the heart monitor growing quieter, slower, silent. I never wanted to see sympathy in anyone’s eyes again. I never wanted to fall in love again if Sully left me.

This was pure agony.

An agony that had whittled me into nothing and left me scarred and hollow.

I’d reached a plateau as we landed in Jakarta, and Sully’s obscene wealth and contacts once again purchased him the swiftest, safest transport possible.

He was transferred outside the same hangar where I’d been given his credit card and told I could never return. I grimaced at the irony that I had returned, and somehow, I’d inherited Sully’s kingdom just by being by his side when he died.

I was too tired to walk between the private plane and helicopter.

Giving up my battle to seem invincible, I kept my hand on Sully’s arm as a crutch. I used his wheeling stretcher as a walking frame and did my best to keep my eyes open as he was placed into the helicopter and a friendly doctor helped me inside.

Sully’s pulse once again slipped down a slippery slope.

I didn’t know if it was ego or truth, but he seemed to fade each time I stopped touching him.