Finding You

“Don’t touch me. Matter of fact, just get out of here. I don’t need you, Grace.”



My stomach dropped, I stood firm as I thought back to what Brad had told us before we started this. Noah was going to change. Do and say things he didn’t mean.



Sitting next to him, I pulled my knees up to my chest as I watched him turn and look back out the window.



“I’m not leaving, Noah. You can be pissed and angry as much as you want. I’m not leaving.”



Closing his eyes, Noah barely spoke above a whisper. “Please, let me just take one Ativan, Grace. I’m so tired.”



It felt as if a vice was wrapped around my chest and was slowly squeezing down on me.



Resting my chin on my knee, I watched for his reaction, as I said, “No. It’s not time to take one.” The doctor had advised for Noah not to go cold turkey on the Ativan but to come down from it slowly. We were tapering his dose back over the next two weeks.



Noah slammed his head against the wall and yelled out, “Fuck!” Jumping a little, I didn’t move.



Noah rolled his head back and forth against the wall. “Just give me one fucking pill, Grace. Jesus, I just want to sleep.”



“I love you, Noah. But there are no pills in this house.”



Noah snapped his head forward and glared at me. “What?”



Dropping my knees, I turned my body to face him. “Noah, think about what you’re asking me. Gray has the Ativan somewhere else and will bring the pill when it’s time to take it.”



Leaning forward, Noah grabbed my hands as tears filled his eyes. “Baby, please. Just this once. Please, Grace.”



Noah’s body trembled as he pleaded with me.



I was lost in his eyes.



Lost in his tears.



My goal was to pull him out of the darkness—even if it dragged me in as well.



Slowly shaking my head, I said, “No.”



Dropping my hands, Noah stood up and pointed to me. “Fuck you, Grace! You have no fucking idea what I’m going through.”



Feeling the anger build, I stood up and pushed his hand away. “Really? Because I’m standing here looking at the man I love falling apart right before my eyes. The man I want to spend the rest of my life building a future with is standing here telling me to fuck off. Well you know what? Fuck you, Noah. Fuck you and those fucking pills you depended on. You have me now, and if I’m not good enough for you to lean on, then we have a serious problem. But for right now, my focus is on you getting through this. So you can call me every name in the book and tell me to leave but I’m not going anywhere, you stupid asshole! Do you hear me, Noah? I’m not going anywhere. If finding you means losing a part of me—then I’ll do it.”



Noah stood before me wearing a downcast expression. “I feel sick,” he murmured. Turning quickly, Noah rushed into his bathroom and began throwing up.



Dropping my head back, I looked up. “Why puke, God? I can handle anything but puke.”



Meagan came rushing into the bedroom. “I heard yelling. Is everything okay?”



Noah started throwing up again as Meagan rushed into the bathroom and called out, “It’s puke, Grace! I’ve got this one.”



Clearly Meagan remembered I couldn’t handle someone throwing up. Letting out the breath I hadn’t even realized I was holding in, I sat back down on the window seat and placed my face in my hands as I sobbed.



That was the first confrontation with Noah. How much worse would it get? What if he ended up hating me because of this? Dropping my hands, I pulled my phone out of my back pocket. Pulling up his number, I typed out my message.



Me: He told me to leave.



Daddy: He didn’t mean it.



Me: He was so angry, Daddy.



Daddy: Are Grayson and Meagan there?



Me: Yes. Noah’s throwing up right now. Meg is helping him.



Daddy: Do you want me there?



Swallowing hard, I closed my eyes and prayed silently for my answer. Opening my eyes, I typed out my reply.



Me: No. I just got him back, Daddy. I won’t lose him again. I just had a moment of weakness.



Daddy: That’s what causes us to be stronger. I’m here for you.



Pressing my lips together, I nodded my head and stood up. Typing one last reply, I knew what I had to do.



Me: I know. I love you. Will call later. Bye Daddy.



Pushing my phone into my back pocket, I made my way to the bathroom. Noah was sitting on the floor shivering. Meagan looked up at me and frowned. “He has a fever. He’s also starting to hallucinate. It has to be the Ativan.”



Nodding my head, I said, “I’ll get some cold washcloths. We can put them on his wrists. I think if we try to give him something for the fever he’ll just throw it up.”