Fisher's Light
“Are those new beach umbrellas down there? I don’t remember them being yellow and white striped.”
She points her glass to the umbrellas we stick in the sand every morning for our guests.
“Uh, no. Those are the same ones that we’ve used for a few years.”
“Hmmm,” she replies absently again, taking a sip of her tea.
“Spit it out, Mom.”
She sets her glass down on the table between us and turns to face me.
“Is it that obvious?”
“I’m pretty sure you didn’t stop by to talk about mint and umbrellas, so yeah, it’s pretty obvious,” I reply.
She looks out at the ocean and the families lying on the beach a few hundred yards away before sighing deeply.
“I ran into Fisher in town yesterday.”
My stomach flips like I’m going down a hill on a roller coaster and my heart starts beating faster.
“Really? What did he have to say?” I ask calmly, not letting on that I’m dying to know how he looked, what he said and what he did.
I have a moment of sheer panic that he blurted out what happened in the alley and contemplate running inside and hiding in a closet.
“He loves you, Lucy,” she says softly.
My head whips around to face her and my mouth drops open.
“THAT’S what he said?” I ask in shock.
She laughs lightly and shakes her head at me. “No, not in so many words, but I’m old and I’ve been around long enough to know when I’m looking at a tortured man who misses his wife.”
“Ex-wife,” I remind her.
She waves her hand in the air and scoffs. “Only on paper.”
It’s my turn to laugh. “Um, I’m pretty sure that’s the only place that matters.”
“You’re still his wife where it counts – in his heart and soul. I can see it when he says your name and I’m wondering when you’re going to see it, too,” she muses.
I shake my head and roll my eyes, wiping each bead of condensation off the glass in my hands to give me something to do. I suddenly feel nervous and anxious and like there are so many emotions flying through my heart and my mind that I can’t make sense of any of them.
“It’s complicated, Mom. I’m seeing someone and Fisher… It’s just complicated,” I try to explain.
“Love isn’t easy, sweetheart. I know you went through a lot with Fisher and I know it’s hard for you to trust him, but he’s trying. He’s so afraid of doing the wrong thing. He wants to be a good man for you. He wants to take care of you and love you and I don’t think…”
She pauses, taking a deep breath and trying to collect her thoughts.
“You don’t think what?” I whisper, pushing her to continue.
She reaches across the table between us and grabs my hand. “I don’t think Stanford will ever be the kind of man you need. The kind of man who will love you with so much passion and devotion. The kind of man who will take care of you, but also step back and let you be strong on your own.”
I swallow back tears and squeeze her hand to let her know that I’m not offended by what she’s saying about Stanford. I’ve been having the same thoughts about him myself lately, so it’s not like this is news to me. Right now, I’m more concerned about the passion part of the equation between Fisher and I. It’s something I want and need, but it’s also something he seems to be afraid of.
“How do I know Fisher will be that man?” I ask. “He was for the longest time and I never thought anything would tear us apart. He said such awful things to me before he left the island. I can’t just forget about them or pretend like none of it happened.”
“Of course you can’t pretend like they never happened, Lucy. They broke your heart and they changed you. I don’t think he expects you to forget and instantly forgive him. He knows he has a lot of work to do to earn back your trust and he knows he has a lot of explaining to do. All I’m asking is that you give him a chance to explain. Give him a chance to show you that he never meant to hurt you.”
It sounds so easy when she says it. Hand him my heart once again and trust him to take care of it. But it’s not easy. It scares the shit out of me. I might be able to forgive what he said to me when he wasn’t in his right frame of mind, but he’s still the one who decided to end things permanently with divorce papers. He’s still the one who had his hands all over Melanie and did God knows what with her while he was still wearing my ring on his finger. How am I supposed to forgive those things?
“He was a broken man, Lucy, and I know he broke you right along with himself. War doesn’t just change the Marine, it changes everyone who loves him. I didn’t think I could ever forgive him for hurting my baby, but seeing him yesterday and listening to him talk about you and what you mean to him… Just give him a chance.”
The guilt is back in full force and I have to let go of my mother’s hand, set down my glass and wrap my arms around myself to hold it together. I don’t know what was going on in his mind last year when I came home and found him packing my things and he said such hurtful words to me, but I know it was bad. He’d been slowly closing himself off from me for weeks and I’ve always felt like a failure for not doing more for him. I tried so hard, but it wasn’t enough. I would have given everything to stay and help him, but how could I when he didn’t want that? I want him to be honest with me, to tell me what happened that day and help me understand why he felt like divorce was the answer to all of his problems.