Flawed Love
“Why don’t you like the idea of me doing that?”
“Because . . . I dunno . . . it just seems wrong. Like no man will ever be good enough to be the one.”
“Well, unless you’re offering to pop my cherry, Rai, then there’s going to be someone to do it.”
He falls silent.
I turn, but I can’t see him clearly in the moonlight.
“Rai?”
Still nothing.
“I was kidding, dude.”
“And if I wanted to?” he finally says, his voice low.
I laugh. “You don’t want to. That would be awkward.”
“How do you know I don’t want to?”
“Because you told me I’m like a sister and you picked my perfect match as Kenny.”
He snorts. “Yeah, well, then I saw you in that dress.”
My cheeks burn and I’m thankful he can’t see it. “And told me I looked like a cheap slut.”
“Because I was pissed, because I didn’t want any other fucker seeing you like that. I never saw you like that, Emy, but then I saw you, really saw you, and fuck . . . you’re beautiful.”
Something warm explodes in my belly, travelling right to my heart and nestling itself there.
“That’s not enough of a reason for me to blur the lines of our friendship, Rai.”
“You think it would do that?” he asks seriously.
“I honestly don’t know. Kissing you was nice, and it didn’t affect anything between us, but sex . . . it’s a bond, a connection, it’s trust . . .”
“You think we don’t have those things?”
“We have all of them, but we’re not even attracted to each other. Don’t you think that would matter?”
“You’re beautiful. Why does there need to be more to it?”
He thinks I’m beautiful. I love that more than I ever expected and that scares me.
“Because we have more than most people. We have a bond and a friendship. If we risked it, or things went bad, I’d never forgive myself.”
“Or maybe you’re just scared of letting me in that far.”
I flinch beside him. I am scared. Scared that if I let the boundaries of friendship get pushed, that I’ll realize I care about Rainer more than I’m willing to admit. And I have a big fear that there’s an emotion for him that I’m pushing down, because I’m scared of what it’ll mean.
“You don’t love me, Rai.”
“Love you fuckin’ more than Jack the sack.”
“And that’s exactly what makes it different. With him, I could move on if it went bad . . . with you . . . it’d kill me.”
“I hear you, kid. Believe me, I do. I don’t want to ruin what we have here either, but . . . I dunno, it almost seems like the logical thing to do, because we trust each other.”
I reach over and take his hand. “You know, I have no doubt it would be amazing. I know you respect me enough to give me that, but Rai, I love you too much to risk it going bad, or worse . . .”
“Going good,” he says, his voice low.
“Yeah,” I admit.
“You scared you’d fall in love with me?”
I squeeze his hand. “I honestly don’t know. I already love you, Rainer, but if romance was involved, I don’t know how quickly I’d cross from loving you like a friend, to loving you as something more. You have a place in my heart—a damned big one.”
“I get that, because it’s the same for me.”
“Sometimes I wish we weren’t friends. I wish we had met and fell in love before ever getting to know each other.”
He chuckles. “So you could fuck me?”
I laugh. “No, so I could have you like that. Now, I can’t have you like that, and I don’t even know if I want to. I cherish this friendship. I cherish you. Besides, you’d drive me crazy . . .”
“Ha!” he snorts. “I think that would be the other way around. You’re a fuckin’ pain in my ass at times, woman.”
“But you love me.” I grin, nestling into him.
He throws an arm around my shoulder. “Fuck yeah, I do. You mean more to me than any person in my life.”
“You wanna know something?”
He squeezes me to let me know he does.
“You said you were scared of losing me to a man. Well, I have to admit that I’m terrified of the day you fall in love, Rainer Torrence. Because my life without you terrifies me.”
“That’ll never happen.”
“Maybe.”
“Any woman I ever fell for would have to accept your part in my life.”
“But it’d never be the same. We’d never do what we do now.”
“But we’d be friends, and that’s all I’ll ever need from you.”
“You say that now because you haven’t fallen in love yet, but when you do, she’s going to be the only thing you’ll see.”
He squeezes my shoulders. “You’re wrong, kid.”
“Maybe.”
We both fall silent.
“Rainer?”
“Hmmm?”
“If it doesn’t happen, or I don’t find the right man, I will let it be you. I will give you that piece of me. I swear it.”
“All right, kid.”
I smile.
Because a part of me really hopes I don’t find a lover, because now the thought is planted in my mind, and I can’t stop wondering what it would be like to make love to Rainer.
I think I might have just crossed the friendship line without even knowing it.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
NOW – MALI
He stayed the night.
I stand, staring down at the sleeping man in my bed, and I’m shocked. I expected him to leave, I expected the conversation to get awkward, but it didn’t. He fell asleep beside me and we stayed that way the entire night. I don’t think this is something he does a lot, and I’m not sure if I should be reading more into it. Hell, maybe he was exhausted and didn’t even realize he fell asleep.
Either way, I get dressed and rush out of the room. I need coffee and Mimi, stat.
I reach the kitchen and hear Mimi singing to herself. Thank God she’s here. When she hears my approach, she spins around and her eyes go wide. Then she charges towards me, finger in the air, face furious. “Woman, you and I are going to have a talk right now!”
“Shhh,” I say, putting my hands together in a pleading way. “He’s still asleep.”
Her eyes get bigger. “He slept over! Oh my God!”
“I know,” I say, stepping past her and stealing her cup of coffee. She doesn’t seem worried and pours herself another one.
“What the hell are you doing, Mali?” she asks, standing beside me. “This is a dangerous game.”
I sigh. “I know it is, but I can’t stop . . . He has my name tattooed on him, Mimi.”
“He does?” she gasps.
I peek over my shoulder to make sure he hasn’t come into the room. “Yes,” I whisper. “He said he can’t remember much—he just knows I was important to him.”
“So you told him?”
“No, but I asked him about the name.”