Flawed Love

My phone rings on the chair beside me. I glance over quickly. Rainer again. He hasn’t stopped calling, and that’s probably because I haven’t seen him or spoken to him for more than two days. I know it’s not the right thing to do, but I’m hurting. I need to figure my mind out before I can commit to him. Besides, I don’t even know if he’s going to commit to me, so what’s the damned point in trying?

God, I’m being bitter.

My phone rings again and I sigh, picking it up and pressing it to my ear. I really shouldn’t be doing this, because it isn’t safe. I need to focus on my driving but if the phone keeps ringing like it has been, I’m going to lose my concentration anyway. I press it to my ear, keeping one hand on the wheel and my eyes fixed firmly to the road.

“Please stop calling me,” I say with a sigh.

“Jesus, really?” Rainer grunts. “You’re honestly going to act like this?”

“Yes I am,” I mutter, keeping my eyes on the road.

“Talk to me at least, for fuck’s sake. Won’t stop calling until you do.”

“Talk to you about what, Rainer? How you’re in love with a woman who you can’t let go of, yet you want to keep me around for what, exactly? Fun?”

“Don’t,” he warns. “You know I care about you.”

“No, you care for the person I used to be. The memory. You don’t care about me now, Rainer, because you don’t even know me, and if I’d never told you who I was, are you telling me you would look at me the same way right now?”

He goes silent.

“My point exactly. Now I’m driving, so goodbye.”

“Jesus, Emalie, this has been a rough few weeks, you hear me? I’m sorry things aren’t going your way, but what do you expect?”

“My way?” I snap. “Are you serious? How has any of this gone my way? If it were going my way, Rainer, you’d be looking at me and only me.”

“Emalie . . .”

“No,” I growl. “Don’t.”

He starts answering but I lose focus of what he’s saying because there’s a pair of headlights coming right at me. It takes me a few moments to realize this, but they’re definitely on my side of the road. I scream and swerve, my car launching off the side of the road. I briefly hear Rainer yell my name before my phone flies from my hand and my car soars off the side of the road.

I put both hands on the wheel, trying to get control, but I can’t seem to stop it. I cry out frantically, tears running down my cheeks. I’m about to die. Oh God, I’m going to die. My car slams into a tree with such force I’m thrown forward. Then my entire world goes black, but not before the airbag combusts and explodes into my face, probably saving my life.

I don’t know.

~*~*~*~

I blink rapidly, opening my eyes and trying to focus. It feels like I’ve just woken after running a marathon. My eyes are blurred and I can hear loud, horribly annoying beeping coming from somewhere to my right. I manage to gain some of my vision back and see a bright light on the ceiling above me. It takes a moment to realize where I am, but as my vision gets clearer and clearer, I realize I’m in a hospital.

“Emalie? Hi. How are you feeling?”

I turn my head slowly to the side to see a nurse looking at me over the top over her thin, black-framed glasses. She’s got a clipboard pressed to her chest and she’s smiling.

“What happened?” I croak.

“You were in an accident. Can you see clearly?”

I nod. “It’s getting better with each passing second.”

“Good, and can you tell me your name and date of birth?”

I rattle them off.

“Do you remember what happened?”

I close my eyes and it all comes flooding back. I was talking to Rainer on the phone when a car came onto my side of the road. I was in a car accident.

“I had a car accident,” I choke out, my voice thick with emotion.

“Yes, you did. You had to have some surgery because there was a little internal damage, so you’re going to be sore for a few weeks. Everything is looking good; you’re very lucky to be alive. The doctor will be in momentarily.”

“How long have I been in here?” I whisper.

“Only one night. You have friends waiting outside. Should I send them in?”

Friends?

“Who?” I ask.

“Jemimah and Rainer?”

My heart clenches. “Yes, please.”

She pats my hand and walks out, and I shift my aching body. I sit up as best I can and see there are tubes coming from my hand and one from my stomach. I flinch and cover it with the blanket, not wanting to see it. The door creaks, distracting me, and I turn to see Mimi and Rainer walking in. Mimi sees me and runs forward, gently throwing her arms around my neck. “You scared me, oh God. Mali, don’t you ever do that again.”

“It wasn’t intentional, I promise,” I croak into her hair.

“How are you feeling? Are you going to be okay?”

“I’m sore and yes, apparently so.”

Her eyes scan my face. “I was so afraid.”

I reach over and take her hand. “I’m okay, I promise.”

She turns and glances at Rainer. “He’s desperate to talk to you. I’ll get some juice, okay?”

I nod and she leans down, kissing my cheek before turning and rushing out. Rainer steps forward, and he looks tired and worried. He stops at the edge of my bed and stares down at me, his eyes pained. “Are you okay?” he asks, his voice raspy.

“I’m okay,” I say, meeting his brown eyes.

“You scared me. Fuck, Emy . . .”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t plan on it happening.”

“If I didn’t call you so many fucking times . . .”

“Rainer, don’t,” I whisper. “Please don’t. I answered the phone; you didn’t make me.”

“I kept calling, probably driving you crazy. It’s not a wonder you lost control.”

“Please,” I say, reaching over and taking his hand. “Don’t.”

“I’m so sorry, Emalie, for everything.”

I sigh and smile at him. “So am I.”

“I know you think I don’t care about you, but I do, fuck I do . . . I didn’t realize how much until tonight.”

I stare at him, and I can see he’s telling the truth, but it still doesn’t solve my problems. I know Mimi is right; I have to ask him to make a choice. I don’t want to be that girl, but I need to know where I stand. I need to know if he’s going to be able to love me the way I want, or if we’re always going to have this argument, because that’s not fair on either of us.

“Rainer, I need to ask something of you.”

He squeezes my hand. “Anything.”

“I need you to make a choice. I don’t want you just picking me because of this accident and a temporary fear of losing me. I need you to go, take a few days, a few weeks, whatever it is, and really think about what you need and want. I need you to choose, and until you do I can’t be with you.”

“You’re asking me to choose between you and Pippa?”

My heart clenches, and I nod.