Fools Rush In

I was in love with Sam. I didn’t know when it had happened, but it had. Looking back over the past few months, I had to close my eyes. The evidence was all there, but I’d never put the pieces together and made the diagnosis. Until today. I loved Sam Nickerson. It was so starkly true that I couldn’t believe a whisper of it had never entered my conscious brain.

Everything I had wanted Joe to be, Sam was. And always had been.

A slight breeze brought the scent of a fire somewhere, the salty, rich smell of the ocean. Digger nudged my hand with his eager nose, and I bent down and rubbed his head before letting him off the leash. I watched as he raced joyously down the beach, his white splotches glowing in the darkness. Then I sat on the damp sand, staring out at the rollers, counting the seconds that it took the beam from Nauset Light to sweep across the ocean.

If I thought I’d been miserable about Joe, I had been kidding myself. That had been choppy water. This was a tidal wave. I was in love with the one man, aside from my dear old dad, who was absolutely off-limits. But hey! If I loved Sam, maybe I should take another look at Dad! After all, I clearly had my head up my ass.

Digger returned, panting and smelling of the sea. He flopped down beside me, his fur sandy and wet. I stroked his ears and watched the sky go from black to navy. In a few hours, it would be morning. When my legs went numb from sitting so long, Digger and I got up and returned home. There was a message on the machine. From Sam, of course.

“Hey, kiddo, just checking in, wanted to see if you were okay. You were pretty funny at the school today. Come for dinner some night this week, okay? Bye.”

Yup. Loved him.

Shit.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

THE FIRST THING I DID WAS nothing. Aside from going to work and taking care of Digger, I didn’t do a damn thing. A whole week passed, and all I could do was reach out and touch the new sore spot in my heart. But then, as I got over the shock of my revelation, I turned to my closest friends.

Katie and I drove up to the Pink Peacock one evening for dinner. Curtis and Mitch had converted the third floor into a spacious, elegant apartment with sweeping views of the long stone breakwater and small lighthouse that stood on Provincetown’s final spit of land. Over grilled striper, I gently broke the news, saying the words gingerly.

“It seems that I’m—um—I’m in love with Sam.” I waited for their alarm, their sympathy, their words of wisdom.

Curtis and Mitch glanced at each other. Katie was silent for a moment, then nodded. “I know,” she said.

“You know?”

She gave a little smile. “Yeah, Mil. I’m sorry to say, it was kind of…obvious.”

“It was?” Mouth hanging open, I turned to Curtis and Mitch. “Did you know, too?” I asked, blinking rapidly.

“Well, no, not exactly,” Curtis answered. “But it does make sense. Sam really is true blue, isn’t he? Definitely more your type than Joe was.”

“Curtis, he’s my brother-in-law!” I yelped.

“Well, technically, not anymore,” Mitchell murmured.

“So what am I supposed to do?” I asked.

“Tell him?” Katie suggested, taking a bite of her meal.

“Right, Katie. He thinks of me as the sister he never had. I’m not going to tell him.” I flopped back in my seat. No more advice was offered.

THE CLINIC WAS WINDING DOWN, and things were already pretty slow. After we closed, Dr. Whitaker was giving me two weeks off before I’d start with him. We’d worked out the details of our arrangement…. He’d cover half my malpractice insurance for the first year, and any new patients would be mine. Although I’d initially be making less than I had at the clinic, it was a good, solid offer, exactly what I’d always wanted. Professionally, I was all set. Personally, I was struggling.

Though it was easy now to see that I had never really loved Joe Carpenter, I nonetheless missed that old image of him. My obsession had unknowingly motivated me to do a lot of things that I might not have done otherwise—embarrassing, slightly humiliating, but true. For so many years, I’d dreamed of a life with Joe.

As for dreaming of Sam, forget it. My friendship with Sam was one of the best things in my life, and I wasn’t about to ruin it with a declaration that he’d never be able to forget.

The thing was, of course, that aside from apparently being the love of my life, Sam was also part of my family. I couldn’t avoid him. And aside from the awkwardness I knew I’d feel, I missed him. So when my mom called and asked me to come over for dinner with Sam and Danny, I said yes.

My heart was thumping as I pulled into my parents’ driveway. Sam’s truck was already there. I wiped my palms on my jeans and went in.

“Hello, darling,” my mom called, hunching down to check the roast.

“Hi, everyone,” I said. Sam was leaning against the fridge, nursing a beer.

“Hey, kiddo,” he said, leaning over and giving me a one-armed hug. “How’s it going?”

“Fine, fine,” I said, quickly extracting myself.

How many times had Sam hugged me in my life? A hundred? Two hundred? More? And now suddenly my mouth was dry, my stomach fluttered and my cheeks grew hot. I scurried across the kitchen and hugged my nephew.

“How are you, tall one?” I asked, grateful to be with someone for whom my emotions were still pure.

“Good, Aunt Mil. Hey, sorry to hear about you breaking up with Joe. He was nice.” Danny gave me a sympathetic grin.

“Thanks, honey.”

“Hey, Mil, remember that, um, project you said you’d help me with?” Danny asked in a low voice.

“The midwestern project?” I murmured back.

“Yup. Got any time this week?”

“Sure. Want to come over one day after school? How about Thursday, around four? You can stay for supper.”

“Great. Thanks.”

Sam was watching us, a smile crinkling his eyes. An almost painful tightness wrapped my heart. Get used to it, I admonished myself.

Dinner was fine, I was fine. I told everyone about my arrangements with Dr. Whitaker, and they were thrilled. We talked about Danny’s school year. Dad talked about work. Mom talked about the upcoming local elections. I acted normally throughout, and it wasn’t actually too hard. I just couldn’t look at Sam for more than a second without that ache coming back, my throat tightening up and my hands shaking. Otherwise, no problem.

“Well, I’ve got to go,” I said the second I thought I could make a run for it.

“Let me make you up a plate, Millie,” my mom said, leaping for her Tupperware.

“Oh, no, that’s okay, Mom. It was fantastic, but, um, no thanks. Send it home with Danny and Sam.”

I kissed my parents and waved to Danny. “Bye, Sam,” I said, grabbing my purse.

“I’ll walk you out,” Sam said, rising

“No, no, that’s okay.” Heat rushed to my face as I fumbled for my coat.

“Don’t be silly.” Sam caught up to me in the hall and put his arm around my shoulders, his familiar height so unbearably dear to me that I almost cried. Mutely, I let him escort me down the walk and to my car. My heart thudded in my chest, and I seemed to have forgotten how to take a breath.

Sam leaned against my car door, blocking access to the escape pod. “Everything okay, Millie?” he asked.

“Yes! Everything is great!” I exclaimed, looking skyward.

He squinted at me, cop-like. “You’re acting strange.”

“Really?”

“Is it breaking up with Joe?” he asked. “Because I know you guys were pretty tight this summer. It must be tough.”

“You have no idea,” I said. “Literally no idea.”

“Well, why don’t we go out for a bite some night and you can tell me about it?”

“Um, sure, Sam. That would be terrific. Listen, I have to go now, though, because, um, I have to call a patient back at nine o’clock, and—”

“Oh! Sorry, Millie. I’ll let you go.” Ever the gentleman, he opened my door for me. “I’ll call you this week, okay?”

“Bye!” I stretched my mouth into a smile and nearly backed over his foot.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

A NEW CHAPTER OF MY LIFE was unfolding. Unfortunately, it wasn’t any better than the previous chapters. More pretending. More faking. And the fact that I was avoiding Sam, who’d been so good and kind to me for decades, killed me. I dodged his invitation when he called later in the week. Dinner together? How about if we drown me instead?

Danny was the bright spot. He came over with his Notre Dame application and we pored over it as if it were a missing book of the New Testament or the newest Harry Potter.

“‘What is the best book you’ve ever read and why?’ Brutal!” I said. “I guess we can’t say Goodnight Moon.”

“Why not?” Danny laughed. “You haven’t read that to me in about six months.”

“Don’t get me started. My baby nephew is going off to college. I’m going to bawl. Now what is the best book you’ve ever read?” I asked, getting up to give him more meat loaf.

“Hmm. I guess that would be The Iliad.”

“God! Mine is Bridget Jones’s Diary. Somehow, I think your choice is a better answer.”

We roughed out his essays, me murmuring encouragingly as he talked his way through the sections.

“Okay, what are you going to put down for your preliminary major?” I asked, going through the easier questions.

“Pre-med.”

I looked up, startled. “Really?”

“Yup. One of my favorite people is a doctor, and I want to be just like her when I grow up.” He smiled at me and started packing up his papers.

“Danny…” I said, my eyes wet, “you’re already ten times the person I’ll ever be.”

“Well,” he said modestly, looking so much like Sam it just about broke my heart. “We’ll see about that.”

He gave me a moment to blow my nose and dab my eyes, tolerated a kiss, and then shrugged into his jacket.

“Have you heard from your mom?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah. Every night at ten. I’m going down to New York City to spend the weekend with her. Gonna go to some museums, maybe see a show.”

“That sounds like fun. Give her my love.” My feelings had softened a bit toward Trish lately. I’d even called her a couple of times, listening without censure as she described Avery’s latest car or the restaurant that had just opened in SoHo.

Danny gave me a hug. “Thanks for the help, Aunt Mil. God, I hope I get in.”

“Danny, you have a 4.0 average, you got 2380 on your SATs, you volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, you play varsity baseball and you have very straight teeth. You’ll get in.”

I STARTED RUNNING AGAIN. If Joe passed me, I planned on waving, but he never did. He’d finished at the senior center, so I was safe when I made rounds there. Katie insisted that I get out and dragged me to the movies. Curtis and Mitch called almost daily. I went to work, but I didn’t really have that much to do. I stopped by to see Danny once or twice only when I was pretty sure Sam was working. Sam called me a few times and asked me to go out, but after the third time I gave him an excuse, he backed off.

It would just take time, I rationalized, to get used to this and be able to deal with it gracefully. One day, things would be back to normal, and Sam and I could be friends again. We would talk on the phone and maybe go for a run together. He would meet someone, and the three of us would have dinner together, and I would be happy for him. You betcha. One of these old days. Until then, I planned a campaign of evasive maneuvers.

I hadn’t counted on Sam pulling me over for speeding one night. When I saw the flashing lights in my rearview mirror, I cursed. Pulling over to the side of Route 6 by the Visitors Center, I watched Sam unfold himself from the patrol car. Officer Ethel got out also, but she just leaned against the cruiser, lit up a cigarette and sucked deeply, her cheeks hollowing. She tossed me a careless wave.

“Hey, Millie. Looks like this is the only way I get to see you.” Sam leaned down and smiled at me. My heart squeezed painfully.

“Oh, Officer, please don’t give me a ticket. I’m a doctor and I have a medical emergency.” I tried to find the old groove I used to have with Sam. It fell flat.

“Oh, yeah? And what’s that?” He waited expectantly.

I sighed. “I don’t know, Sam. Are you really going to give me a ticket?”

“Nope. You were only doing forty-four. I just saw your car and wanted to say hi. Seems like you’ve been awfully busy lately.”

“Yes, yes, very busy,” I said, looking straight ahead, hoping the darkness hid the tears that pricked my eyes. “Lots to do.”

He looked at me another minute, his smile fading. “Okay, Millie. I’ll see you around.”

I glanced quickly at him and took a quick breath. “Okay, Sam. Thanks. Good to see you.”

I zipped away, safe for another day.

OCTOBER’S COOLER WEATHER seemed to come overnight. The poison ivy flashed brilliant red, the maples and locust trees glowed with yellow, the oaks a solemn brown. All of a sudden, summer was over. It was a bittersweet time. Never had I felt so in tune with the seasons…. My summer brightness had faded, and I felt a long winter of the soul coming on.

But I was determined to get on with my life. I would keep running and trying to eat right, since I didn’t want to lose my newfound health. It was funny, though. All that time spent trying to lose weight, and now I found eating to be a bit of a chore. But I plugged along resignedly, chewing food I didn’t much taste, staring at the kitchen table a lot.