Four Letter Word

I was sobbing, hand to my mouth, while Brian’s entire body shook with the bad he was finally letting go of.

The cords in his neck were bulging. His chest was heaving. Knuckles white.

He closed his eyes, made a choking sound in the back of his throat, then slowed his breath enough to continue on.

“And I did,” he said, jaw tight but appearing slightly calmer. “I did anything. Found an ad in the paper when I was doing a crossword. Gig was paying eight hundred a scene. I saw the opportunity and to me it was the only option. You gotta know …Syd, I wasn’t in a good place. In my head, all that fucking guilt, I wasn’t thinking about how fucked up this was. I wouldn’t let anyone help me. Jamie and Cole offered to give me cash but it wasn’t their fuckup. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t drag people into this shit with me. I couldn’t fuckin’ do that! This was mine! I had to fix this, but I swear to you …I swear to fuckin’ God I hated it. Zoned out, got paid, then delivered the money. I didn’t keep a fuckin’ dime. I wouldn’t do that.”

“I believe you,” I told him, because I did. I believed every word.

He made a move to come toward me, but I kept him back with a shake of my head.

“They knew you were giving them money?” I asked.

That didn’t make sense to me. I still remembered the look on the father’s face that night at Friendly’s when he recognized Brian. That wasn’t how you looked at someone you were seeing frequently because they were handing over cash.

Brian shook his head.

“No. I either stuck it in their mailbox or I gave it to this woman who runs a horse-riding place where the kid is doing therapy. It was supposed to help him so I was making sure he was getting to do that, too. I didn’t want them knowing it was coming from me. I didn’t want to risk them not taking it.”

“So you kept this from everyone except Jamie and Cole,” I offered, feeling my lip start quivering again. “Nice of them not to share it with me.”

“They knew I didn’t want anyone knowing,” he murmured.

I looked away.

That hurt. They were my friends. Friends look out for each other. They should’ve told me.

Brian should’ve told me.

I felt my shoulders drop. Air rushed out of my lungs.

“Oh, my God,” I whispered as more tears fell, looking back to Brian. “This was why, wasn’t it? This was why you didn’t want to know me. You were afraid I’d recognize you from that site.” My eyes widened. “You asked me. You asked me if I recognized you the night of the party. This was what you meant.”

“Knew you’d end it if you knew who I was,” he admitted. “I couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t risk you finding out. Figured if I gave you my last name or any other shit, you’d search for me and something might come up.”

“You were selfish,” I put out.

He nodded. He wasn’t disagreeing.

“You lied to me,” I added a beat later.

His eyes got hard.

“I never lied to you,” he returned quickly and with a rough voice. “Not once. I would never fuckin’ lie to you.”

“You didn’t tell me the truth. That’s the same thing as lying,” I shot back, watching his mouth open to speak and cutting him off before that happened. “How long? The whole time? Were you doing this behind my back the whole time you were talking to me? In the beginning when we were just friends and then when we became more, were you with those girls? Did you ever stop? Oh, my God.” I held my face with my hands and cried out, “Are you still doing it?”

“No,” Brian answered with panic in his eyes, crossing the room to get to me and doing so without me stopping him. He grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands away. “Fuck, no, Jesus, I would never do that to you. Look at me,” he ordered, lifting my quivering chin. “I would never fuckin’ do that to you. I stopped after that night you attacked the car. Switched to solos after that. There was no one else.” He held my face. “Once I had you, there was no one else. I swear on my fuckin’ life, Syd.”

Brian wiped my tears away, then his face tensed again through a breath and he did something that completely shocked me.

He stepped back.

I gaped at him.

“Before I tell you this, know I realize how different things could’ve been if I would’ve thought of this option five months ago,” he said. His voice was shaking.

I braced myself, pressing the pads of my fingers to my mouth.

I could barely breathe.

“After that night of the party when I finally got you, when I finally got my girl, I knew I couldn’t keep going to that warehouse and filming, solos or not. I wanted out. I needed another way. I had you and I wouldn’t jeopardize it, so I convinced Jamie to buy me out of Wax.”

My lips parted.

“What?” I asked, blinking up at him.

Brian nodded as if to confirm I wasn’t hearing things.

“Sold my share and gave all the money to that family, and it was a lot of fuckin’ money, Syd. More than I had given them up to that point. I didn’t even think about it. Months ago, selling out didn’t cross my mind. I was so fucked up over this shit, I wasn’t thinkin’ straight. I wasn’t seeing other outs. If I had, I swear to you that’s what I would’ve done. You gotta believe me.”

“I do. I believe you,” I told him, watching his face soften and then eliminating that soft when I bit out, “What I can’t believe is you letting me think, for months, that you still owned Wax. You kept the truth from me, Brian. Again! I was getting everyone to go to the shop my boy owned because I was proud, and that whole time you let me think something that wasn’t true.”