Four Letter Word

“I can’t do that.”

“You’ll do it, or you’ll never see me again,” I promised.

Brian flinched.

He killed me. Now I was killing him.

“I need time to think,” I said, sniffing and looking around the room. “I might need a lot of time, and I need to do that without looking at you. If I want to talk to you, I’ll reach out. If I don’t …” My voice trailed off.

Sir entered the room from the kitchen carrying his rope toy in his mouth.

God …I was gonna have to leave him, too.

“I’m gonna fix this,” Brian assured me once more, turning my head. “I will fix this.”

I could’ve said something back. So many words danced on my tongue as I stood there staring at the boy who built my heart up just to break it.

You won’t.

You can’t.

I hope you do.

God, please fix this.

Instead, I left him standing there and went to the bedroom, packed all the things I could fit into one duffle bag, slung it over my shoulder, and walked to the front door.

Sir met me there.

Brian hadn’t moved from his spot.

I bent down and loved on my puppy for a minute, whispering to him and scratching underneath his neck the way he liked.

When I was finished, I turned and looked right into Brian’s eyes. Then I said good-bye.

If it was our last good-bye, I wanted it to be one worth remembering. I wanted to see him.

He didn’t say it back.

I opened the door, stepped outside onto the porch, fought back tears, and didn’t let them fall until I got back to Tori’s, back into my old bed, and wrapped in the same sheets that held me while I was falling in love with a boy.

Chapter Twenty-one

BRIAN

The front door shut behind Syd.

I heard a car starting in the driveway, another door shutting, and then the sound of my girl leaving me.

Fucking leaving me.

It was all I could do not to follow her.

I looked at the floor and scrubbed my face with my hands, my muscles burning as they locked up while I fought against the urge to punch holes in every goddamn wall in this house.

Watching your reason for living falling apart after shit you did, ain’t nothing more devastating than that.

Except maybe hearing that reason tell you to stay away.

And that’s what she did.

I couldn’t go to Syd. Couldn’t call or text. Couldn’t hold her while she cried or wipe away the tears she was shedding because of what I’d done.

Hell. I was in it.

Thought I’d been here before but I was wrong. This was it.

And it was my fault. All of it. I put myself here. I deserved to feel this pain.

But Wild, she didn’t deserve any of it.

I’d kill a motherfucker for putting this type of hurt on my girl, yet I was the one dragging Syd through hell with me.

She got here, looking broken already, and I knew why—she didn’t need to say. Then I laid it out, all of that ugly, meant every word I said about regrets and the ones I don’t have, gave Syd the truth she was justified all along in getting, not knowing what was gonna come out of it, if she would understand, forgive and stay mine, or if she would do the right thing, give me what I deserved back and end it, leave, take herself away from me because after everything I did, no fucking way did I earn the right to be with her.

I didn’t deserve her good.

After hearing me out, my girl chose right. She chose what should’ve happened. I understood that. Even in hell, I understood it.

Didn’t mean it was what I wanted.

Never could want that. I wanted her with me. I would always want her with me.

I got her choice.

Didn’t mean I wouldn’t beg to keep her.

I would beg for the rest of my miserable fucking life, miserable without her in it.

I warranted her leaving me.

Didn’t mean I wouldn’t do everything to get her back.

I would. I’d fix this. Promised her and I would. I’d be the man she deserved. I’d protect Syd like I should’ve done months ago.

I would never hurt her again. I’d die first.

I knew what I had to do.

Grabbing my keys, I crated Sir so he wouldn’t roam and get into shit, stepped out of the house, locked up, and brought my phone to my ear as I was striding toward my Jeep.

“Yeah?” Jamie answered on the second ring.

“Meet me at the warehouse. Got shit I need to handle there and I might need backup.” I swung the driver’s side door open and climbed inside.

“Backup? For what?” he asked. “Thought you were done with that place.”

I gritted my teeth and started the engine.

“I fuckin’ am! Jesus, do I ask you for shit? Ever? Can you just fuckin’ meet me there without giving me the third degree?”

“All right, I was just askin’. Christ,” Jamie returned. “Give me twenty.”

“Give you ten. Leave now,” I shot back, shifting into Reverse. “Got a feeling I’m gonna need you to pull me off Mike before I fuckin’ kill him.”

“Fuck,” he muttered.

Jamie knew about Mike. Knew enough to know I hated the bastard and wouldn’t mind laying him out if I had the chance.

I didn’t need to explain further.

“Right. Leavin’ now,” Jamie threw out.

I hung up, tossed my phone on the seat, backed out of the driveway, and rode to Xstasy.

There weren’t a ton of cars in the lot, but there were enough to know people were shooting, which meant Mike was there.