Four Letter Word

Then, so I wouldn’t see that look on his face any longer, that look that was killing me and making it hard to breathe, I turned and ran out of the ICU, leaving the portable machine behind.

Brian called out for me but I kept running.

I rode the elevators to the bottom floor and hurried back to my department, shutting myself in the room I was slowly going crazy in and busying myself with the work waiting for me.

Work I was grateful for. I needed that distraction now more than ever.

Hours ticked by, and even though my focus was on my job because it had to be, my mind still wandered. And the more it wandered, the more I thought about Brian, and the more I thought about Brian, the more I thought about everything, him fixing us and the reaction I had to it, bringing me to the conclusion I didn’t want to make while being stuck at work.

I’d made a mistake.

What I’d said to Brian wasn’t entirely true.

Yes, it was really hard finding out what Brian had been doing and learning what all he’d kept from me.

It broke my heart.

Yes, I didn’t know if I was ready to go back to the life I was sharing with Brian, if I could allow myself to feel that kind of love again when I knew what losing it felt like.

Love was a risk. It was wild and unpredictable. You could either hold on for the ride, not knowing how it would end, or you could let go and never know the amazing you could’ve had.

And yes, I was sorry. I was sorry for what happened to us. I was sorry for everything Brian had to face without me.

But what wasn’t true was that I didn’t need to think. I didn’t need to convince myself who I wanted to hand my heart over to so they could heal it. I didn’t need to weigh the pros and cons of sharing my life with someone who had it in him to make me happy again, the happiest, and I didn’t need to wonder if choosing Brian was the right choice, because I knew the answer.

He was never a choice. He was my fate. My boy. Everything he ever promised me he made sure to see through.

He fixed it, just like he said he would.

And running from him was a mistake I needed to make right on.

I was holding on for this ride. I’d never let go of it.

I loved him. I’d die loving him.

Heart racing and ready, I counted down the remaining seconds of my shift while staring at the time clock, on the verge of screaming, it was taking so long. After punching out and grabbing my things, I ran through the hospital and out to my car, tossed my book bag on the passenger seat, started it up, and peeled out.

I drove moderately fast to get to the house, figuring if I was to get pulled over, I’d just explain my situation to the police, hoping they were understanding of a woman needing to right her wrongs and get the love of her life back.

If they weren’t and issued me a ticket, so be it. I wasn’t slowing down.

Throwing the car into Park and cutting the engine, I ran up the driveway, jumped up onto the porch, stood in front of the door while taking in several calming breaths, getting my nerves in check, and then knocked.

I felt it was the appropriate thing to do, all things considered.

The door swung open before I had time to lower my hand, and before Brian could question what I was doing there or ask why I was knocking again, since he looked geared up to do just that, I opened my mouth and beat him to speaking.

“Hey, Trouble.”

He blinked, looking shocked at my greeting, which I understood.

I was falling back into old habits. It was as if nothing had changed between us.

“Hey, Wild,” he replied, falling with me.

The flip and twist happened.

God, that felt good.

I cleared my throat, tipped my chin up, and requested, “Can I come in?”

Brian’s mouth twitched. Fighting a smile, he stepped back and held the door open.

“Thank you,” I said, moving inside. I looked around, noticing the TV was on and expecting more noise.

“He’s outside,” Brian said behind me, reading my mind. He shut the door and crossed the room, grabbing the remote off the couch and turning down the volume.

“How is he?” I asked.

“Good. Misses you.” Brian dropped the remote and took a step closer. “I miss you.”

I watched him keep coming, slowly eliminating the distance between us.

Holding up my hand, I told him, “I’ve been doing some thinking, and before you come any closer or say anything else that’ll make me want to kiss you instead of saying what I need to say, I’d like to share my thoughts while keeping some space.”

Brian stopped moving toward me.

“You wanna kiss me?” he asked.

“Yes, but I know once we start kissing, I won’t wanna stop.”

He didn’t fight that smile anymore. He gave it to me, big and bright.

And it was beautiful.

“That’s not a bad thing, babe,” he said, tucking his hands inside his pockets. “Feel the same way, and now that I know you want that kiss as bad as I do, I suggest you get to talking. It’s been too long since I had your mouth and I’m feeling pretty impatient right now.”

I sucked in a breath. He was feeling impatient.

As instructed, I didn’t waste any time.

“I made a mistake,” I whispered.

Brian lost the smile. His eyes softened.

“I don’t need time to think,” I continued with tears building behind my lashes. “I don’t. I don’t know why I said that. I think I was just overwhelmed by everything, and hearing you tell me you fixed it …I wanted that so bad, Brian. I did, but I didn’t think it was possible. You promised me you would and I was so scared you’d fail. I was scared we’d never have us again. I didn’t want that. I would never want that. I love you. I love you so much.”