Four Letter Word

Tori’s voice shrank to a more vulnerable decibel when she finally continued.

“God, Sydney, how stupid am I? How did I not see this? His weeknight rule with being too busy to see me Monday through Friday, always sending my calls to voice mail only to return them minutes later, which I’m imagining now was enough time for him to make up some bullshit story to appease his wife so he could sneak out and call me back. Asshole. God …that stupid fucking asshole. How? How did that not set off alarms in my head? Was it that obvious? Was I that blind, Syd?”

I didn’t know if it was from my frantic pacing, or from Tori’s confession sinking in, but suddenly I needed to steady myself with a hand on the wall.

The room began to spin.

I blinked everything into focus before finding my own voice, which I kept quiet.

“Oh, my God, Tori. My God. How did you find out? What happened?”

“Saw him with her at the mall, pushing a damn stroller through the food court,” she answered, sounding equal parts disgusted and destroyed. “They looked so fucking perfect together, I didn’t know whether to throw up or scream.”

She groaned, and I heard more things rattling in the background.

I pictured Tori testing the weight of different glass objects before she chose one to hurl against the closest wall.

“I walked right up to the son of a bitch. I saw her ring. I saw his. I was ready to confront him then and there. You know me. But you know what that bastard did?”

She sniffed loudly through the phone.

It broke my heart to hear her like this, but I didn’t get to tell her that before she continued.

“He …he threw his arm around her, smiled at me, and introduced us. He actually introduced his wife to me, Sydney. Told her I was an old friend from high school. Can you believe that? A friend.”

She chuckled derisively at the word.

“I’ve done things with him I’ve never done with other men. I’ve talked with him …you know? That kind of talking where you just share yourself with someone for hours and hours and you can’t think of anything else you’d rather be doing. I don’t know if I loved him, but I could’ve. I know I could’ve.”

“What did you do?”

She breathed through a tight laugh.

“I know what I should’ve done. I should’ve called him out on it. Stomped his balls out. His wife deserved to know. I would want to know, but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t. I stood there like some freak, staring at him with my mouth hanging open. I probably looked psychotic. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. After God knows how long they walked away and I …I just kept standing there until a security guard came up to me and asked if I was okay.” She paused, then whispered, “I wasn’t. I’m not.”

I moved to the bed and sank onto the mattress, elbows on my knees, and rubbed my palm across my forehead.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing either. I couldn’t believe people could be this malicious as to openly hurt someone this way, even though I was suffering from a pain similar to what Tori was experiencing. But at least she was acknowledging it. Admitting the effect it had on her and even going as far as confessing it to someone.

I couldn’t do that yet. I wasn’t feeling anything.

Until now.

The change was swift. I suddenly felt everything, as if someone had taken a book filled with the range of human emotions and chucked it at my head. I was overwhelmed. Alive with reaction. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I was full of rage and bitterness, pain …God, the pain was undeniable now. It felt like a cancer eating away at my bones.

Tori let out a strangled yell. Something else shattered through the line.

I closed my eyes and imagined doing the same thing.

I knew her adoration for Wes ran deep and threatened to run deeper the more time she had spent with that man.

She saw him as her future.

He’d already planned one out with another woman.

Are all men complete pieces of shit?

My eyes flashed down at my left hand, lifeless on my leg. One particular finger felt foreign to me. Irritating. Like an itch I couldn’t reach to scratch.

I couldn’t remain still anymore.

My skin pricked at the base of my neck as I stood and pulled my suitcases from the walk-in closet, dragging them to the bed.

I knew my best friend better than anyone. I knew that sometimes she simply needed me to listen instead of offering my assurance or advice. Just knowing someone was there for you spoke louder than a lot of words.

So that’s what I gave her. Silence.

She cried softly into my ear as I threw my entire life into two suitcases and one duffle bag. I ransacked the bathroom, not caring how I left it as I packed away my toiletries. I wiped away every memory of myself from that room.

Every photo. Anything tying me to Marcus. Everything personal.

I wanted them gone. But more important, I wanted to be gone.

I stripped the ring from my finger and held it tight in my fist, the blunt edge of the diamond threatening to break skin.

Tori dragged out an edgy breath, then told me quietly, “I’m sorry, hon. I just needed to get that off my chest. You’re probably busy, right? Are you at work? It’s cool, I’ll let you go.”

Work. That was another thing I had to deal with. Immediately. Sooner the better.

“Yeah, I’m kind of in the middle of something,” I replied, which wasn’t entirely a lie. I knew she would assume that meant I was at the hospital, when in reality I was in the middle of letting go of the life I thought I was meant to have.