Four Letter Word

“Prettiest baby ever,” Shay professed, smiling gently when she said it.

I couldn’t imagine Nate’s pain and the enormity of the pain Mo would feel when she got old enough to learn about her mother. It was almost too much to even think about. Adding on the pain Sadie no doubt was feeling and feeling it silently, suffering alone and having this beautiful life she created with her while she was suffering from it, most likely not experiencing those mother-daughter moments the way they’re meant to be experienced because she couldn’t let herself experience them; it was all too much sadness.

But Nate, his pain I felt deep and there was no option but to feel it. He was right in front of me.

“Gosh,” I breathed, pulling my eyes back to the girls. “That is such a sad story.”

Tori shot me a look.

“Told you.”

I stuck my tongue out at her.

She slapped the table, declaring enthusiastically, “Subject change!”

Shay made a motion with her hand that she wanted to be the one giving us our next topic of discussion. She looked across the table at me.

“Have you spoken to your husband yet?”

Tori groaned and shoved Shay’s shoulder.

“That is a terrible subject change,” she snapped.

I couldn’t have agreed more.

“We don’t have to talk about him in detail!” Shay argued while leaning closer to Tori. “I was just wondering if he’d done the right thing and reached out to her yet. It’s been, what, three weeks? He can’t call her and see how she’s doing since pulling the rug out?”

Shay looked at me after she was done speaking.

So did everyone else.

I didn’t want to talk about Marcus. I didn’t even want to think about him.

It hurt to do it.

I dropped my eyes to my glass, collecting sugar off the rim with my finger.

“Haven’t heard a peep,” I answered Shay, hearing irritated tongue clicks and a quietly muttered “asshole” I was certain came from Tori.

I lifted my head and looked around at the three of them.

“And I’ve decided I’m not reaching out to him. Ever. I don’t need to talk to Marcus for any reason besides what needs to be done to get this divorce final, and that hassle falls on him. This was his doing. He wanted this, so he can do all the work in getting that shit started if he hasn’t already. I’m not dealing with lawyers and spending my time getting paperwork together or paying costs if there are any. Let him eat it. Three weeks and he doesn’t even reach out once? No.” I shook my head, breathing heavily through my nose. “There is nothing I need to talk to him about anymore. Our finances have always been separate, so that’s not an issue. I took everything I wanted to take when I left so there’s nothing there I need to get from him, and whatever we bought together under the false pretense of sticking through thick and thin, for life, he can keep. I don’t want it. If it’s tied to a memory of him, I don’t want anything to do with it.”

Tori touched my hand. “Hon.”

“He lied to me,” I went on. “He said he’d love me forever, no matter what. He promised I’d never walk alone and then he walked away, and for whatever reason he had for doing this, one I still don’t know since he hasn’t reached out to me at all, I can’t for the life of me imagine that reason being big enough to treat someone who was in your life for seven years like a complete stranger. Like nothing. So no, I’m done. I’m not going to sit around and wait for Marcus to call me anymore. I’m going to live my life how I want to live it, and even though I’d already decided I was going to do this a week ago, I’ll say for effect that I’m doing this starting now. And you three are my witnesses.”

Tori squeezed my hand.

“Good for you,” Shay said, smiling favorably.

“Yeah, Sydney. I think that’s the right move,” Kali agreed. “Screw him. He doesn’t deserve you. You’re, like, the sweetest thing ever and he’s obviously a jerk. I’m sure you’ll find someone who deserves you when you’re ready.”

As if he knew how perfect his timing would be, my lap vibrated at that exact moment.

My hand curled around the device. I watched Tori get to her feet and snatch her glass off the table.

“I’m getting us all another round since my best girl just declared she’s living the life she wants to live now, and that’s worth celebrating, and also since our waitress sucks ass and decided she doesn’t want to serve four hot chicks who look better than she does on her best day.”

“Ouch.” Shay laughed.

Kali giggled and stood up, too, grabbing her almost empty glass.

“I’m joining.”

I watched the two of them walk away, then watched as Shay tugged out her own phone and started messing with it, giving me the go-ahead I was grateful for.

You get a cab?

Nope. I’m getting drink number 3!

How late you staying out?

Why? Miss talking to me?

Yeah.

I blinked and read that message twice. Then I read it again.

My belly warmed, flipped, then twisted.

God, that felt good.

I could slip outside and call you real quick.

Can’t talk now. Out with my boys.

Oh.

I didn’t hide my disappointment. I didn’t think it was fair since he didn’t hide wanting to talk to me.

Call when you get home. I’ll be up.