I regretfully bring the phone back to me and pull Madelyn Ellis’ Facebook page up.

At exactly 12:28 a.m. I had posted the following on Madelyn’s page:

“You are a gigantic, stinkotic, vaginastic, clitoral, liptistic whore dizzle.”

Three minutes later Liz responds with: “Dude, was this meant for me? You just posted this on Carter’s mom’s page. Ha! You dumb ass!”

I stare at the rest of the conversation, ON CARTER’S MOM’S PAGE, and I want to vomit. His MOM’S page, people! I don’t think you understand the level of suck we’re at right now.

Claire Morgan: You are a furry nut sack on the giant dick of my life.

Elizabeth Gates: You are the taco to my furry heart.

Claire Morgan: Where is your Dumbo-earred vagina? I can hear it flapping from here. Are you trying to fly back to me?

Elizabeth Gates: My vagina is way nicer than anything you own you drizzly, weighted down orca of a woman.

Claire Morgan: Your vagina is like a burning clown car…this flaming taco with hundreds of screaming people trying get the f**k out of it.

Elizabeth Gates: Dumb shit whore.

Claire Morgan: Dick weed.

By the time I got to the bottom of the thread, Carter has stepped away from me and is practically convulsing with laughter.

Carter’s parents choose that moment to walk Gavin back over to us, and I am praying to God, Allah, Buddha, and Ryan Seacrest that she had not logged into her Facebook account yet today so I can get in there and delete everything.

Drew and Jim are now huddled together behind me quoting those posts back and forth to each other in loud whispers and laughing like hyenas.

“Claire, you have raised quite the charming young man,” Madelyn says with a kind smile. “Gavin is just so precious, and Carter’s father and I just want to thank you for taking such good care of our grandson”

Fuck, why does she have to be so nice? She's like a sweet, Disney princess and I'm Girls Gone Wild on crack.

“Right, Charles?”

When he doesn’t answer her immediately, she elbows him in the side and he jerks his head back around, no doubt from checking out the waitress.

“Oh, yes. Absolutely, Candy. Wonderful job.”

Now it’s Candy? Do I look like a f**king stripper?

“Thank you, that means a lot to me,” I tell her, pasting on a smile.

“You’re looking a little tired today, Claire. Did my son keep you out late last night?” she asks.

Carter tries to cover up a snort from behind me, and my elbow meets his stomach, much in the same way his mother’s just had with his father.

I’m pretty sure his mom doesn’t want me to tell her my late night involved sex in public, back door begging, sperm demanding, wine drinking debauchery. Although with my luck, those things could be somewhere on Facebook and she’ll find out soon enough.

Someone calls Madelyn’s name and while she looks away, I pull Liz’s phone out from behind my back and furiously pull Facebook back up so I can begin the deletion process. Before I can even get to Madelyn’s page, the phone is seized from me.

“Ah-ah-ah! This is a no cell phone zone! And we have a surprise for both of you,” Madelyn exclaims with a huge smile as she drops Liz’s phone in the front pocket of her dress pants and I try not to whimper. “I’ll be right back with your surprise.”

She quickly turns and walks away from us, her heels clicking on the wood floor as she exits the party room.

“She’s probably going to get her gun. At least she’s giving you a head start,” my dad whispers.

Carter’s father stays with our group and attempts to start up a conversation with my dad while I try to figure out a way to sneak my hand into Madelyn’s pants pocket when she comes back without her thinking I'm trying to get to second base.

My dad looks blankly at Charles while he yammers on and on about the stock market and their last vacation to France. The first time he had smacked my dad on the arm trying to be all buddy-buddy with him, I feared for Charles’, life. My dad looks down at the spot where Charles’ hand connected and then back up at him before walking away without another word. Charles doesn’t seem phased by it since Liz bends over the table to set her purse down right then and he has something else to occupy his mind.

Drew and Jim are in a deep discussion about having another bachelor party, this time with strippers, when Liz suddenly latches tightly onto my arm and jerks me towards her.

“Oh my God! Who is that?” she whispers in horror as Carter and I turn to see who she is pointing at.

“That’s my grandmother,” Carter replied with a huge smile as we watch his mom escort an older version of herself into the room. “This must be our surprise. I had no idea she was going to be in town.”

At that moment, Drew turns around and spits out the mouthful of water he was drinking. Something about the woman is a little familiar, but I have never met Carter’s grandmother. He talks about her all the time and I know that Carter’s mother does whatever she asks. Thank God she doesn’t do Facebook, at least I don’t have that to worry about. She’d tell Madelyn to put a hit out on me.

By now, Drew is bent over at the waist with his hands on his knees choking on the water he managed to swallow, and I'm wondering what the f**k his problem is. Jenny smacks him on the back and is making weird head gestures at me and Carter’s grandmother like she has some sort of neck tick.

What the hell is going on with everyone?