Futures and Frosting

“Did you say relaxative? Jenny, what the hell is a relaxative?”

I fling the covers off of me and sit up in bed so I can wake up a little more and be able to talk to her with a clear head. I doubt it will help, but here’s to hoping.

“You know,” she says with a huff, “R-E-L-A-X-A-T-I-V-E.”

The fact that she feels the need to enunciate the word like I am the one with the problem and my inability to understand is irritating her makes me want to shank her.

“I heard the word. I just don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” I complain as I get out of bed and stretch before making my way out into the hall.

“You know, those pills you take to flush out your system. Relaxatives.”

I open Gavin’s bedroom door across the hall from our room and peek in on him. He was still out, lying on his back horizontally across his bed with his head hanging off of the edge. There’s no way that can be comfortable but I'm not about to move him back up to his pillow and run the risk of waking him up before I've had my coffee. I shut the door quietly and go back to dealing with Jenny while I head to the kitchen.

“I think you mean laxatives,” I tell her with a sigh. “And they aren’t really supposed to be used to flush out your system. Where the hell did you even read that about snoring?”

“Google. So you know it’s true. Tell Carter to try it and you can thank me with chocolate when it works,” she replies.

I stop in my tracks in the kitchen doorway at the sight before me, unable to even formulate a reply to Jenny about how making Carter shit his brains out most likely would not stop his snoring.

“So anyway, I was calling to ask you if Drew was still at your house. I got a text from him last night as I was leaving your shop that the Cat in the Hat told him he should spend the night. I have no idea what that meant, but as long as I got the whole bed to myself I didn’t care.”

After the girls had helped me put together the huge chocolate and cookie order last night for a wedding today, we all left to go home. Gavin had fallen asleep in the car so when I got in the house, I bypassed the kitchen and went straight down the hall to his bedroom and then put myself to bed next to a snoring Carter.

I don’t know whether I should be happy that I didn’t see this sight last night or not. On his back, with his arms and legs flung out to the side, is Drew. Asleep. ON MY KITCHEN TABLE. His ass now rests exactly where I usually put the salt and pepper shakers.

“Yes, he’s still here. I need to hang up now so I can beat his ass,” I tell her as I walk up to the table, hold the phone between my cheek and shoulder, and then use both of my hands to shove him as hard as I could. His limp body slides easily across the table and crashes to the floor on the other side.

“Don’t hurt my pookie-bear!” Jenny yells through the phone.

I walk around the table and stand by Drew’s head, looking down at him as he groans.

“Wow, did I sleep on your floor all night?” Drew asks as he opens his eyes and glances up at me from the floor. “You really should consider putting in carpet instead of hardwood. This stuff is really uncomfortable.”

Drew rolls over onto all fours with another groan and slowly stands up, twisting and turning as he moves to try and crack his back.

“Get. Out. Of. My. House,” I tell him as calmly as I can without screaming and waking up Carter and Gavin.

“Tell him I love him and that my vagina misses him!” Jenny yells excitedly.

“Jenny says to tell you that you need to GET YOUR SORRY ASS OUT OF MY HOUSE!”

“Heeeeey, that’s not what I said,” Jenny mutters.

“Jenny, I’ll call you back.”

I hang up the phone and open my mouth to tell Drew to get out of my house again, just in case he hadn't hear me the first two times, when Gavin comes running into the kitchen in his pajamas.

“Hi, Uncle Drew!” he says excitedly as he runs up to Drew. Just as Drew starts to bend over to greet him, Gavin pulls his elbow back and catapults his fist right between Drew’s legs.

Drew falls down on his knees with a yelp and I laugh. I know you’re not supposed to laugh when your child does something he shouldn’t, but I feel this was deserved. I had just found Drew passed out in the middle of the table we eat on. He’s lucky I didn’t stop Gavin and give him a baseball bat first.

“Gavin, dude, we had a rule!”

At the sound of his voice, I turn to find Carter walking into the room rubbing sleep from one eye. He kisses my cheek as he steps around me and kneels down to Gavin’s level.

“Gavin, what was our rule?” Carter asks while Drew clutches his junk, alternating between coughing and making some strange whining noise that reminds me of the sound a balloon makes when you pinch and stretch the opening of it and slowly let the air out.

“No nut shots before lunch,” Gavin replies solemnly.

“Right, no nut shots before lunch. And do you know what time it is?” Carter asks.

“I can’t tell time,” Gavin states.

“Have you had lunch yet?” Carter asks.

“No.”

“Then it’s before lunch. Tell Uncle Drew you’re sorry.”

Gavin sighs and turns to face Drew who has finally stopped moaning and is in the process of getting back to his feet.

“I’m sorry I shot you in the nuts before lunch,” Gavin mumbles. “Can I have some cereal now?” he asks as he looks at me and away from Drew.