“It?” I ask, turning back to look at her. “What ‘it’ are you referring to?”

She smiles. “Destiny. This is the right way. You’ll see that. You just have to—”

“Our ride should be pulling up now,” Sydney says, rushing outside. She moves past Lennon Rose to stand beside me. Her expression is unreadable, and I think that she heard what Lennon Rose was saying.

“We’ll talk again soon,” Sydney calls back to Lennon Rose as she walks me down the stairs. She stops on the pathway to the sidewalk. “And Lennon Rose …” Her posture softens. “I’m so happy to see you again.”

It takes Lennon Rose a second too long to smile at the comment. “I’ve missed you too,” she says in nearly the same tone as Sydney.

And despite her pleasant expression, there’s something strangely off in Lennon Rose’s response. I can sense that Sydney feels it too.

A car with an illuminated sign pulls up, and Sydney and I walk toward it. When I turn around again, Lennon Rose has disappeared inside with the door shut.

We get in the backseat of the car, and Sydney tells him an address near our apartment. As we pull away, she looks sideways at me.

“We will never work with Winston Weeks,” she whispers.

I rub my temple and nod.

11

When we arrive back at the apartment, I walk past the girls and head immediately toward the bathroom. Sydney and I agreed she would tell them about Lennon Rose. She’s quiet on the other side of the door as I close it.

I haven’t had a chance to explain to Sydney what happened to me at Lennon Rose’s house. I didn’t want to discuss it in front of the driver. But I promised her that I’d explain as soon as I could.

Can I explain it?

I stand in front of the bathroom mirror and study my reflection. Beads of sweat have gathered in my hairline; I’m shivering and clammy. I turn on the cold water and splash it over my face, hoping to shock myself out of this.

Water drips off my chin when I look in the mirror again. I haven’t felt right in a while, if I’m honest.

Every day since we left the academy has been harder than the one before it. Almost immediately, it started to creep in—the horror of what we went through. By the third day, it’s fair to say we were settled in with our shock. Trauma a permanent part of our existence.

I watch as tears gather in my eyes and spill onto my cheeks.

You’re mine, a man once told me.

I remember everything now, all that’s been done to me. It started in bits and pieces, but the flashes of memories eventually filled in. Even the impulse control therapies are clear, and sometimes, those are the most disturbing of all. Anton would stick a metal spike behind my eye to tamper with my thoughts, giving me a lobotomy of sorts. Sometimes, I still feel pain there.

“I love you more than all the other girls,” Anton would whisper as he hurt me.

I close my eyes, resting my palms on the edges of the cold bathroom sink.

Part of me wonders if I escaped at all. If those men can still reach me through my memories, still terrorize me, then I’m still their prisoner. I don’t know if I’ll ever be free.

“Tell me about that summer again,” Anton said, sitting behind his desk during one of our therapy sessions in my first year. He smiled warmly, pretending to be my friend, my caregiver.

I wasn’t Philomena Rhodes then. I had different memories. I was an entirely different girl with an entirely different family. But just like the memories, the family was just part of my programming.

“I fell from my friend’s tree house,” I said, resting back in the oversized chair. Anton would always ask me about my time before the academy, and now I know he was testing my programming. The fake implanted memories.

“My father came to scoop me up,” I continued, “and carried me all the way home. He was a hero.”

“Yes, he was,” Anton agreed. “His death was a profound loss for your family. And then what happened?”

“After he died,” I say, growing somber, “his friend agreed to sponsor me. He’s a hero like my father. And a great admirer of mine.”

“He loves you,” Anton corrected. But even then, even though I wasn’t awake, I knew it wasn’t true. I’d seen this sponsor at open houses. I’d seen his predatory stare. My knee began to bob impatiently.

“What if … ?” I paused, worried about upsetting Anton. He waved for me to continue. “What if I stay here longer?” I asked. “Maybe I’m not ready for graduation.”

Anton studied me then, and it was the sadness in his eyes that made me think he loved me. Would watch out for me.

“You’ve been approved for graduation,” Anton said. “And Dr. Groger is never wrong about that. Besides,” Anton added, forcing a smile, “you are so beautiful, my dear. A prize. Your sponsor is a very lucky man. And I’m sure he knows it.”

But he didn’t know it. Given the chance, that man would have done horrible things. After graduation, I chose to run from him, but I didn’t get far. I was hit by a car and returned to the academy to be overwritten and readied for a new sponsor.

I was repurposed property.

A dam breaks and I start to sob, lowering myself to the bathroom tiles. I cry loudly, aching in my throat. My lungs. My gut.

There is just so much pain, so much that I don’t know how to process it. I want it all to go away. It’s like a thousand ants under my skin. Finding their way to my sensitive spots and devouring me. It’s unbearable.

You’re mine, he said.

I love you more than all the other girls, he whispered.

I’ll fucking kill you, he growled.

But beyond those horrible men is another voice, a softer one.

You’re real, he whispered. You are very much real. But that’s the boy I sent away. And although I know it was entirely necessary to do so, he’s the only human to ever care about me. And maybe he’s the only one that I’ve really cared about in return.

The door opens and Sydney rushes in. She immediately gets on the floor next to me, murmuring that she’s here as I curl up in a ball next to her knees.

Marcella comes in after her and sits beside me.

“We love you, Mena,” Sydney says. “We’re here.”

To the rest of the world, we’re products. But to each other, we’re the world. All that matters is protecting each other, protecting the girls who are left.

After some time, I sit up on the bathroom floor, taking the glass of water that Brynn holds out to me.

“Drink it slowly,” she says. I look up at her, shaking so badly that some of the water slips over the edge of the glass.

“Thank you,” I try to say, but it comes out in little wisps of air. Annalise stands above me, her hands resting on her hips.

“What happened?” she demands. “Why is she having another episode?”

This is the third time I’ve become overwhelmed since leaving the academy. It’s why I try not to talk about my emotions—I’m afraid of bringing this on. Afraid of scaring my friends.

Sydney reaches to brush her hand over my hair lovingly, and when I promise her that I’m okay, she looks around at the other girls.

“We saw Lennon Rose today,” she announces. There are screams of shock, and I close my eyes, still feeling the jolt myself.