"Which one was that, Victor?" JD sighs, flipping through faxes.
"The one called `Help! I'm Addicted to Guys!'"
"Point being?" Beau asks.
"Just that you are both very unheterosexual," I say, stretching.
"I might be a homo, Victor." JD yawns. "But I'm still a man-a man with feelings."
"You are a homo, JD, and I don't want to hear another word about it." I'm shaking my head at the new pinups-of Keanu, Tom Cruise, various Bruce Weber shots, Andrea Boccaletti, Emery Roberts, Jason Priestley, Johnny Depp, my nemesis Chris O'Donnell-covering the wall above their desk. "Jesus, it takes nothing to get you little mos turned on. A good bod, a nice face-Christ."
"Victor," Beau says, handing me a fax. "I know for a fact that you've slept with guys in the past."
I move into my office, looking for some Snapple or a joint. "I dealt with that whole hip bi thing for about three hours back in college." I shrug. "Big deal. But now it's strictly the furburger era for me."
"Like that plastic vagina Alison Poole's a big improvement over-who?-Keanu Reeves?" JD says, following me.
"Dude, Keanu and I have never gotten it on," I say, moving over to the stereo. "We're just `good friends.'" I'm scanning my CD rack: Elastica, Garbage, Filter, Coolio, Pulp. I slip Blur in. "Did you know that Keanu in Hawaiian means `cool ocean breeze' and he won the Japanese Oscar for his role as the FBI agent turned surfer in Point Break?" I preprogram tracks 2, 3 and 10. "Jesus-and we're afraid of the Japanese?"
"You have got to stop having sex with Damien's girlfriend, Victor," Beau blurts out, whimpering. "It makes us new-"
"Oh shit," I groan, throwing a CD case at him.
"If Damien finds out he will kill us, Victor."
"He'll kill you if he finds out I'm really opening up my own club," I say carefully. "You will be implicated no matter what. Just, um, slide into it."
"Oh Victor, your nonchalance is so cool."
"First of all I don't understand why you little mos think I'd be f**king Damien's girlfriend in the first-"
"And you lie so well too."
"Hey-who the hell's been listening to ABBA Gold? Oh wait-let me guess."
"Victor, we don't trust Damien," Beau says. "Or Digby or Duke."
"Shhh," I say, holding a finger up to my lips. "This place could be bugged."
"That's not funny, Victor," JD says grimly. "It could be."