"Queen Latifah? Under Q or L?" JD asks.
"Wait," I exclaim, while going over the Ls.
"Lypsinka's coming? What did I tell you guys: we don't want any drag queens."
"Why not?" "They're like the new mimes, that's why."
"Lypsinka is not a drag queen, Victor," Beau scolds me. "Lypsinka is a gender illusionist."
"And you're a little mo," I snarl, ripping down a photo of Tyson in a Ralph Lauren ad. "Did I ever tell you that?"
"And you're a f**king racist," Beau shouts, grabbing the crumpled page from me.
I immediately pull out a Malcolm X cap I got at the premiere- signed by Spike Lee-and shove it in JD's face. "See? Malcolm X cap. Don't accuse me of not being multicultural, you little mo."
"Paul Verhoeven said God is bisexual, Victor."
"Paul Verhoeven is a Nazi and not invited."
"You're a Nazi, Victor," Beau sneers. "You're the Nazi."
"I'm a pu**y Nazi, you little mo, and you invited Jean-Claude Van Damme behind my back?!?"
"Kato Kaelin's publicist, David Crowley, keeps calling."
"Invite David Crowley."
"Oh, people like Kato, Victor."
"Have they seen his last movie, Dr. Skull?"
"It doesn't matter: people totally lock on to the hair."
Chapter Four
"Speaking of: George Stephanopoulos."
"Who? Snuffleupagus?"
"No. George-"
"I heard you, I heard you," I groan dismissively. "Only if he's coming with someone recognizable."
"But Victor-"
"Only if"-I check my watch-"between now and nine he gets back together with Jennifer Jason Leigh or Lisa Kudrow or Ashley Judd or someone more famous."
"Um-"
"Damien will have a fit, JD, if he shows up solo."
"Damien keeps reminding me, Victor, that he wants a little politics, a little class."
"Damien wanted to hire MTV dancers and I talked him out of that," I shout. "How long do you think it'll take me to make him eighty-six that little Greek?"
JD looks at Beau. "Is this cool or useless? I'm not sure."
I clap my hands together. "Let's just finish the late RSVPs."
"Lisa Loeb?"
"Oh, this will certainly be a glittering success. Next."
"James Iha-guitarist from Smashing Pumpkins."
"Billy Corgan would've been better, but okay."
"George Clooney."
"Oh, he's so alive and wild. Next"
"Jennifer Aniston and David Schwimmer?"