"Richard Gere is coming, Victor," JD says, keeping up. "And Ethan Hawke, Bill Gates, Tupac Shakur, Billy Idol's brother Dilly, Ben Stiller and Martin Davis are also coming."
"Martin Davis?" I groan. "Jesus, let's just invite George the Pee Drinker and his good friend Woody the Dancing Amputee."
"So is Will Smith, Kevin Smith and, um, Sir Mix-a-Lot," JD says, ignoring me.
"Just apprise me of the crouton situation." I stop in front of the velvet curtains leading into the VIP room.
"The croutons are in excellent shape and we're all incredibly relieved," JD says, bowing.
"Don't mock me, JD," I warn. "I will not be mocked."
"Now wait-before you go in," JD says. "It's pretty much a catastrophe, so just, y'know, give your usual winning spiel and get the f**k out of there. They just want to know that you, er, exist." JD thinks about it. "On second thought-" He's about to hold me back.
"You've got to be sensitive to their needs, JD," I tell him. "They're not just DJs. They're music designers."
"Before you go in, Jackie Christie and Kris Spirit are also available."
"Lesbian DJs, man? I don't know. Is it happening? Is it cool?" I slap on a pair of wraparound green-tinted sunglasses before I slip into the VIP room, where a mix of seven guys and girls hang out in two booths, Beau sitting on a chair in front of them with a clipboard. The loony Details girl reporter, hovering dangerously nearby, waves and JD says "Hey, Beau" in a very professional way and then glumly introduces me. "Hey everybody-here's Victor Ward."
"My nom de guerre in clubland," I faux-gush.
"Victor," Beau says, standing. "This is Dollfish, Boomerang, Joopy, CC Fenton, Na Na and, um"-he checks his clipboard-"Senator Claiborne Pell."
"So-o-o," I ask, pointing at the guy with blond dreadlocks. "What do you play?"
"I play Ninjaman but also a lot of Chic and Thompson Twins, and man, this is all kind of borderline bogus."
"Beau, take note of that," I instruct. "How about you?" I ask, pointing at a girl wearing a harlequin outfit and dozens of love beads.
"Anita Sarko taught me everything I know and I also lived with Jonathan Peters," she says.