Glamorama

MTV: "So how does it feel to be the It Boy of the moment?"



ME: "Fame has a price tag but reality's still a friend of mine."



MTV: "How do you think other people perceive you?"



ME: "I'm a bad boy. I'm a legend. But in reality everything's a big world party and there are no VIP rooms."



MTV (pause, confusion): "But aren't there three VIP rooms at your new club?"



ME: "Um... cut. Cut. Cut."



Everyone huddles together and I explain the game plan-that I want to discuss my personal relationships with Robert Downey, Jr., Jennifer Aniston, Matt Dillon, Madonna, Latouse LaTrek and Dodi Fayed-and people finally nod, satisfied. Life moves on with a few soft-lob inquiries and a chance to be fashionably rude, which I grab.



MTV: "How was it guest-starring on 'Beverly Hills 90210'?"



ME: "A classic cliche. Luke Perry looks like a little Nosferatu and Jason Priestley is a caterpillar."



MTV: "Do you see yourself as a symbol of a new generation in America?"



ME: "Well, I represent a pretty big pie-wedge of the new generation. I'm maybe a symbol." Pause. "An icon? No." Longer pause. "Not yet." Long pause. "Have I mentioned that I'm a Capricorn? Oh yeah, and I'm also for regaining the incentive to get this generation more involved in environmental issues."



MTV: "That's so cool."



ME: "No, you're so cool, dude."



MTV. "But what do you picture when you envision your generation?"



ME: "At its worst? Two hundred dead-ass kids dressed like extras from The Crow dancing to C+C Music Factory."



MTV: "And what do you think about this?"



ME (genuinely moved to be asked): "It stresses me out."



MTV: "But aren't the 1980s over? Don't you think opening a club like this is a throwback to an era most people want to forget? Don't kids want less opulence?"



ME: "Hey, this is a personal vision, man." Pause. "No matter how commercial it, y'know, feels. And"-finally realizing something-"I just want to give something back to the community." Pause. "I do it for the people." Pause. "Man."



MTV: "What are your thoughts on fashion?"



ME: "Fashion may be about insecurity but fashion is a good way to relieve tension."



MTV (pause): "Really?"



ME: "I'm completely absorbed by fashion. I seek it. I crave it. Seven days a week, twenty-eight hours a day. Did I mention that I'm a Capricorn? Oh, and yeah-being the best at only one thing is counterproductive."



MTV (long pause, mild confusion): "You and Chloe Byrnes have been together how long now?"



ME: "Time is meaningless when it comes down to Chloe. She defies time, man. I hope she has a long-term career as an actress-slash-model. She's gorgeous and, er, is my... best friend."



(Sounds of Details reporter laughing.)



Chapter Eight



MTV. "There have been rumors that-"



ME: "Hey, maintaining a relationship is one of the difficulties of my job, babe."



MTV: "Where did you meet?"



ME: "At a pre-Grammy dinner."



MTV. "What did you say when you met?"



ME: "I said `Hey pu**ycat' and then that I was-and still am-an aspiring male model of the year."



MTV (after longish pause): "I can tell that you were in a, um, reflective mood that evening."



ME: "Hey, success is loving yourself, and anyone who doesn't think so can f**k off."



MTV: "How old are you?"



ME: "Twentysomething."



MTV: "No, really. Exact."



ME: "Twen-ty-something."



MTV: "What really pisses Victor Ward off?"



ME: "The fact that David Byrne named his new album after a 'tea from Sri Lanka that's sold in Britain.' I swear to God I heard that somewhere and it drove me nuts."



MTV (after polite laughter): "No. What really makes you mad? What really gets you angry?"



ME (long pause, thinking): "Well, recently, missing DJs, badly behaved bartenders, certain gossipy male models, the media's treatment of celebs... um..."



MTV: "We were thinking more along the lines of the war in Bosnia or the AIDS epidemic or domestic terrorism. How about the current political situation?"



ME (long pause, tiny voice): "Sloppy Rollerbladers?... The words 'dot com'?..."



MTV (long pause): "Anything else?"



ME (realizing something, relieved): "A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido."