“You’re pretty old,” he tells me, not unkindly. I’ll be thirty-three this year. “And you’ve logged over five hundred successful jumps and more new charts for the Corp than any navigator ever. There are people who would like to know the secret to your success, Ms. Jax. I represent those interested parties.”
“And they can’t find out shit from me if the Corp cracks my brain like an egg and locks me up.”
Okay, so…the Corp used me for fourteen years, knowing I would eventually burn out. And I said yes because I wanted adventure and excitement, wanted off New Terra. I wanted the universe; why should I settle for one boring man and a passel of kids? And now, someone wants to use me to find out why I haven’t burned out yet. You know, I’m a bit tired of being used. They’re going to learn I’m not the easy mark they anticipate.
March offers that saturnine smile again. “Just so. We were sent to prevent that from occurring if at all possible.”
And he’s telling me the truth, as far as it goes. There may be more to it, but he isn’t actively lying. I’d know if he was.
“I’m sorry about Edaine.”
His smile falters. Dies. “Yes,” he says, too quietly. “Me, too.”
Don’t know why I said that. It wasn’t my fault—
Then it occurs to me I’m singing that refrain a hell of a lot, lately. At what point do I accept some blame? No, I never asked her to make her last run with saving me as the objective; that was her choice. But if it weren’t for me, maybe she would’ve chosen retirement instead. I feel like I need to make her sacrifice worthwhile.
“Okay if I go talk to the crew?” I really want out of the cockpit. This is more awkward than waking up next to someone whose name you don’t remember.
He nods. And that’s all. As I go down the corridor, I can’t help but think he’s almost as glad to see the back of me as I am to go. They’re all chatting, still sitting in their safety seats, although not strapped in anymore. When I come into the central hub, though, conversation dies as if I’ve lobbed a grenade. I drop down in one of the empty places and fold my ankle up on my knee. Wait.
It doesn’t take too long. Most people can’t stomach silence; it provides too much opportunity to think about things they prefer to avoid. It’s the young man who speaks first, something that doesn’t surprise me much.
“Is it true you made the leap to Quaren when you were just nineteen?”
Don’t know if I should disillusion him. I didn’t realize I’d acquired a reputation. We just do what we do, you know? And seldom think about how the rest of the universe perceives us. “In fact, I was twenty-three. Was nineteen when I made my first jump, period.”
I know my service record. Almost fourteen years, averaging forty-one jumps a year for a total of five hundred seventy-five successful runs, and of those, I charted eighty-eight new beacons for the Corp. Decorated twice for bravery beyond the call. And the average jumper burns out in less than ten. So I guess I can understand why someone is interested in finding out what makes me tick. Unlock my secrets, and maybe he could improve productivity for other jumpers. That’d be a good thing, overall.
However, the critter that winds up dissected for the greater good…well, I’m guessing it probably doesn’t feel too pleased about the contribution. So I’d do well to be on my guard and remember that even the good guys probably don’t have my best interests at heart. The only person I could’ve trusted at my back, no exceptions, had his molecules dispersed with all due ceremony about fourteen days ago.
I fucking miss him.
“There are some things waiting for you in quarters,” the doc, Saul, is saying. “Clothes. You can change and make use of the san facilities, if you want.” He sounds strange, diffident, at odds with his stolid, steady appearance. “Down the hall, second right. The door will recognize you.”
His sincerity gets to me. It’s easy to be tough when everyone around you is bristling with rancor and suspicion, but let someone show you some genuine kindness, and you find yourself on the verge of breaking down. So I just nod and follow his instructions. Can feel Dina’s eyes boring into my back. That one would rather space me than deliver me safely to Lachion.
Walking away, I hear Dina logging her report: “Aft shields at thirty-five percent in sectors 12 and 18, damage to the holds, structural damage in—” But I tune her out. That stuff is her worry. As long as the ship’s in one piece and will get us there, I don’t much care.
My quarters are small, no more than a closet with a bunk built out from the wall, but as promised, I find a change of clothes and a san shower. Feels good to be clean, and when I dress, I notice that someone’s been studying my file. Because this blue bodysuit is an exact replica of one I wore for a photo op with tall s-leather boots and tribal jewelry from one of the inhabited rim worlds, all handmade stuff, very rare. A gift when we made planetfall since a jumper is part navigator, part surveyor, and part diplomat. I’ve made first contact with indigenous peoples no less than five times.
The outfit is smooth; it stretches at the neck enough to let you shimmy into it, then the fabric snaps back into place. It’s some poly-silk blend that looks elegant but doesn’t snag or tear and it’s damn near fireproof. I wish I had my boots; they weren’t just a fashion statement, as the toes were reinforced and a well-placed kick would break someone’s kneecap.
As I’m emerging from quarters, March’s voice comes over the comm. “Approaching Lachion, planetfall in half an hour. All crew to stations please.”