SEVENTEEN
I PUT MY armor on after I stopped being hungry and feeling terrible. It required some adjustments before matching my new, larger body. The little blue female in the back of my thoughts was stil there but seemed reluctant to deal with me. I had to dig deep to even find her. I felt as if my armor were judging me.
The Didact observed, blinking with slow dignity. He rearranged himself on the floor and turned back to the steadiness of the stars.
“The armor’s broken,” I said.
“You’re different. The ancil a knows that, but she won’t cater to you. You’re no longer a Manipular. You have to listen better.” The Didact seemed remarkably patient. Perhaps he remembered his own brevet mutation, al those thousands of years ago.
“The Domain—I don’t feel anything.”
“I would say that is also your fault—but perhaps not this time. I, too, have difficulty accessing the Domain at present. It is a mystery—for now. Perhaps in time we wil explore together and see if it can be solved.”
Disappointed, I stood up, performed a quick diagnostic on my armor, watched everything chart up clear and fine—then focused, trying to wil my thoughts to be more mature. Stil , I couldn’t get the ancil a to cooperate. She came and went in different places in my head but would not do anything I asked—perhaps because my internal speech was garbled.
“Where did the humans go?” I asked the Didact when I was sure this process was getting nowhere.
“I locked them in a room with plenty of food they seem to like.”
“Why?”
“They asked too many questions.”
“What sort of questions?”
“How many humans I’ve kil ed. That sort of thing.”
“Did you answer?”
“No.”
“The Librarian fil ed them ful of knowledge they can’t handle. They’re like me.”
“Yes, they’re like you, but they seem to actual y be listening. They just don’t like what they’re hearing.”
EIGHTEEN
MY FIRST SUCCESSFUL though stumbling efforts to access the Didact’s experiences produced scattered impressions of darkness, bril iance, rol ing suns, grief and sickness and glory—complete chaos. My ancil a was stil balky; I had to find my own way of accepting and interacting with the knowledge.
What I managed was a crude arrangement, missing ful y nine-tenths of the subtlety and subtext and power, but at least the memories began to open to me.
Soon, I was jittering and plunging my way through a great space battle, events moving far too quickly for me to make much sense of it. I had no idea where or when this was—I could not correlate these events with any historical record.
Complicating the recovery was many hundreds of points of view, threading through and around the central events, chopping and intercutting—and a remarkably different perception of objective reality. As a Promethean, the Didact simply saw things differently.
Clearly, a thousand years ago, when entering battle, the Didact had plugged into the ful sensory experience of thousands of his warriors … something I could barely imagine and certainly not control.
My ancil a fel far behind, glowing between al the half-processed, crudely assembled information like a distant blue star, frantical y seeking details which connected al this to real history.
What startled me as I explored the threads—and tried to col apse them into a usable narrative—was how pitiful objective reality was, al by itself. The combined threads—even the chaos of uncombined threads—were far richer, far more evocative and informative.
In my education as a Manipular, it had seemed to me that my teachers and even my ancil as had been intent on having me memorize the bare facts and not add my own interpretations. They did not trust me to enrich the whole; I was young and naïve. I was foolish. Even now, it was obvious the Didact’s memories resisted my adding any coloring from my own experience. I had not been there.
Now I understood that no matter how sophisticated one became, the total richness was something no individual could ever capture or truly know. It must not be constrained. It is ever raw, ever rich.… I tried to emerge from this pool of ecstatic excess. The so-cal ed solid reality of the ship, of my armor, of the space and stars around us, was suddenly ominous, frightening. I had difficulty distinguishing these different states. I was drunk.
I fel back from the memories and tried to reengage with my core self.
And suddenly, as if everything had come into focus, I rode the whipsnap of over a dozen threads—warrior threads. They had a place, a name, a historical marker. I could not scramble free.
I plunged deep into the first battle of Charum Hakkor, one of the final engagements between Forerunners and humans. I saw thousands of war sphinxes spiraling in clouds around the planet like flocks of deadly sparrows, twisting and entangling human ships— Sending them tumbling into the atmosphere to disintegrate, or slamming them against the unbending pil ar of a Precursor ruin stretching high over the planet, or being slammed in return—the memory thread suddenly burning bright at the end, winking out, shriveling away.
Passion and the flow of a warrior’s life … and, too often, death. The deaths jerked and whipped around me; the end of a warrior’s life in a spreading, sparkling plume of molten metal, carbonized flesh, plasma and pure gamma rays, that flailing, crying, terrified abruptness felt as sharp as a plunging dagger.
I could not stop it.
I saw the implacable Precursor ruins of Charum Hakkor studded with human constructs, like ivy growing on great trees: vast cities and energy towers and defense platforms operating at geosync and equigravitation, little less sophisticated than Forerunner ships and platforms and stations.
Humans had been a great power, a worthy adversary—technological y. What about spiritual y? How did they connect to the Mantle?
Were they truly our brethren?
I could not know. The Didact had been remarkably open to those ideas at the time. You must know your enemy, and never underestimate or belittle them.
No human threads in the Domain—no way of knowing their reactions—the Domain is not complete— Was that my thought, or the critical observation of the Didact himself, realizing the greatness of his enemy?
I managed to lurch free and came to myself in my cabin, under the single wal lamp, gasping, crying out, my fingers scrabbling at the bunk and at the bulkhead, as if to dig myself free.
Truth was not for fools.
NINETEEN
THE HATCH TO the humans’ quarters opened as I approached. I stepped inside and saw Chakas and Riser in the middle of the floor, sitting cross-legged, facing each other. Their armor lay beside them. Each had tucked a single foot into the leggings.
Chakas did not move, but Riser opened one eye and glanced at me.
“Blue lady is exploring us,” he said.
“You’re not wearing your armor,” I said.