Havoc

She swipes to the right, and there’s another girl with Mike, and another.

I feel like I’m swallowing rocks as I sit there trying not to let my emotions play out on my face. Sharp stones sink down my throat and sit heavy on my heart.

Danica sighs heavily as she pulls her phone back in front of her to continue swiping through pictures, and I gnaw on the inside of my lip as I turn my attention back to her textbook.

I knew there would be girls at the band’s shows, but it was this abstract thing I could force myself not to think about. I didn’t picture their perfect hair, or their perfect lips, or their perfect curves. Now I can see their faces—their ridiculously gorgeous faces—and my stomach roils in protest.

“I wonder if he’s slept with any of them,” Danica says, and the nerves in my lip scream in pain when I clamp down on them.

Danica places her phone facedown on the table and turns a thoughtful gaze on me. I forget about her exam as I stare back at her, wondering what she’s thinking.

“He’s getting really famous,” she says. “There are going to be more girls and more girls, and they’re only going to get prettier and prettier.”

Those rocks sitting on my heart grow heavier, until they’re stabbing me with every heartbeat.

“He’s not ready to settle down yet,” Danica says. “I know he thinks he is, but he isn’t.”

All I can do is sit there hoping my face betrays none of what I’m feeling.

“That’s why he left me,” she explains. “He was telling the truth when he said it wasn’t about you. It was about him. He doesn’t know what he really wants yet.”

“What does he really want?” I ask as my mess of a heart struggles to keep itself whole.

“To be a rock star.” Danica taps her fingernail on her phone case, and then she shakes her head. “If you want to date a rock star, you have to be okay with it.”

“Okay with what?”

“The girls,” she says. “I mean, obviously I wouldn’t have been okay with you, because you’re my cousin, but, like, the girls on tour. He can have other girls, as long as I’m the one he comes home to.”

“You mean you’d let him sleep with other people?” I ask, disgust warring with the disbelief on my face.

“I love him,” Danica snaps, the look in her eyes leaving no room for argument. “So yes, Hailey, I would. Being with Mike isn’t like being with other guys. He’s a rock star.”

“You think he’d do that?” I ask in a voice that continues getting smaller and smaller.

Danica nods. “I think he just wants someone to tell him it’s okay. And I’m going to do that for him. If I don’t, we’ll never last—even if he resists years of temptation, he’ll always think about all those beautiful women he passed up, and he’ll end up resenting me for holding him back.”

I feel like I’m suffocating as I sit there listening to her.

“That girl with the long black hair?” she says. “The one kissing his cheek? He wants her, Hailey. There’s no way he doesn’t want her. I mean, did you see her? She’s hot as hell. And if he wants to know what it’s like to be inside her, who am I to deny him?”

“I think Mike just wants to find the right woman,” I say, trying to reassure myself.

Danica shakes her head. “He’s a twenty-five-year-old man, Hailey. With gorgeous women begging to do anything he wants them to. He could have his dick sucked every second he’s not performing, by any girl he wants. He’s not used to that, but eventually, he will be. And he’s going to fuck them one way or another. The only question is if he’s going to feel guilty about it afterward. If I love him through it and encourage him to experience those women and all the perks of being a rock star, he’ll love me for it, and he’ll be with me in the end.”

Acid pools at the back of my throat, and I try to keep from losing my lunch.

“Not everyone can handle being with a rock star,” Danica says. “But I can. Because I love him that much, Hailey.”

I stare down at Danica’s textbook, imagining him with that girl . . . I imagine him turning into her kiss, capturing her mouth, lying her down on a hotel bed in some distant country thousands of miles away.

I tell myself Mike would never do that. I tell myself Mike would never want that.

I know him better than Danica does . . . She’s wrong.

She’s wrong.

I tell myself that over and over and over again.

Chapter 45

Hey, baby. Sorry I missed your call. We were at sound check. The venue here is massive. I think Shawn said it holds like thirteen thousand people, and we’re almost completely sold out. If you’re not already in bed when you get this, call me back. I miss you.

Hey, Mike. It’s Hailey. I was in the shower when you called. You’re seriously going to be playing for thirteen thousand people? That’s so insane . . . I’m going to try calling you again in the morning, but if I don’t get ahold of you, take a picture for me, okay? I miss you too.

I was an idiot and forgot to turn my ringer back on after sound check. [sigh] I guess you’re already in bed. [pause] Seven days, Hailey. Have sweet dreams.

Hey, Mike. It isss . . . 9 a.m. here. I guess you’re already onstage. I wish I could be there. I bet you’re killing it. Call me before you go to bed, if you get a chance.

Hailey, where are you? I feel like I’m going through withdrawal . . . We just finished up the gig. I’m in a cab heading to the hotel. The guys are making fun of me for missing you so much . . . Call me back.