Hell's Knights

“You think it’s so easy, don’t you?” I snap.

“No, I don’t think it’s easy. I’ve seen how hard it is for you. I know what you go through here but you won’t let me help you. You won’t walk away from her. You won’t walk away from Jasper, even after…”

His face scrunches in disgust, and that burns. It burns because that disgust isn’t just because of Jasper, it’s because of me. Because I allow it, because I stopped fighting.

“He hurts you, and you let him. Your mother treats you like a dog, and you let her. You won’t walk away because you’re scared if you do and we don’t work out, that you’ll have nothing.”

This hurts me. He has no idea how it is for me. I can’t walk away from this, because if I do, it could so easily backfire. If I step away from my mother, she won’t ever take me back. If it doesn’t work out with Billy, where does that leave me? Being forced to live like her? Being forced to sleep around to earn money? I have no skills. No one will take scum like me. It’s so easy for him to see the light at the end of the tunnel because he’s never had to walk in darkness.

“Have you ever spent a night on the streets, Billy?”

He scrunches up his face. “You know I haven’t.”

“Then you couldn’t begin to imagine how terrible it is. I would do anything to avoid ever having to go there again. You don’t understand my resistance, because you haven’t had to live the way I do.”

“If you would just trust me…”

“Trust isn’t the problem. The problem is that if you leave me, I have nothing.”

“You’re worrying about something that may never happen, Addison.”

“I have to protect myself, and if you’re not willing to wait…”

“I’ve waited over six months!” he yells. “How much longer do you need?”

I shake my head, swallowing down my emotions. “Never mind, Billy, do what you have to do.”

“Addison, this isn’t what I want, but your life is holding me back…”

I stare down at my hands and my eyes burn; they burn so badly I struggle to keep them open.

“Thanks for everything, Billy,” I whisper.

“Addison…”

“Please leave. If you’re going to leave, then walk out now because I can’t handle you standing here trying to make me feel better about the fact that you’re giving up on me.”

“God, Addison…”

“Leave.”

He does. He turns, walks to the door and only stops to whisper another sorry before he steps out. When he’s gone, the hot tears slip down my cheeks. My small chance of freedom just walked away from me, and there’s not a damned thing I can do to stop him. Not a single thing. I wrap my arms around my legs and rock backwards and forwards, fighting every part in me that screams to go after him. I can’t go after him. I know I can’t. Billy made it clear he’s not willing to fight. It’s just me now – I am all that I have left. How utterly pitiful.

“Well, well.”

I hear Jasper’s creepy voice, and snap my head up. He’s standing at the door Billy walked out of only five minutes earlier. He’s smiling, and it makes my stomach turn.

“Such a shame,” he purrs. “I thought he was a keeper.”

My blood goes cold. How did he know? Was he listening? Did he just stand there and wait for Billy to leave before he came in? I keep my hands firmly wrapped around my knees, not willing to move. Jasper walks in, running his fingers over the old mattered couch. I shudder, and not in a good way.

“What are we going to do now he’s gone?”

I swallow. For six month’s I’ve been free of Jasper. The idea of him touching me again makes me feel sick inside.

“Get lost,” I breathe. “I’ll call him and he’ll come back.”

Jasper throws his head back and laughs. “For scum like you? Oh snake, I don’t think so.”

“Just stay away from me!”

He grips his belt and begins undoing it.

“See, that’s not going to happen and you know it. You owe me.”

I close my eyes and pray that he dies right now of a heart attack, a stroke, anything. Anything to keep his filthy hands off me. I begin sobbing, which is so unlike me. I don’t sob. I don’t cry, I just go with everything that’s thrown at me. I don’t want to live in this nightmare anymore. There’s nothing left for me, nothing but darkness and pain. I shift off the couch, feeling my world spin as I back around behind it. Jasper continues to walk toward me, grinning. I reach into my bag and I pull out the pills my mother left behind this morning. I don’t know what they are, ecstasy maybe.

“That’s right snake, you know you can’t escape me.”

I pour all of them onto my hand, and I throw them into my mouth and swallow. Jasper’s eyes widen, and he lunges forward. I spin around, run into the bathroom, slam the door and lock it. I rush to the sink, lean over and swallow loads of water to make the process quicker. Then, I sink to the floor, hot tears pouring from my eyes.

“Open the door!” Jasper roars, pounding heavily with his fists.

I put my head in my hands and wait for darkness to win. I just want away from this pain. I’ll never be free of it. I honestly can’t think about anything but the gripping pain wrapping itself around my heart. There’s no escape, no matter which way I run. My only chance of survival is gone, and without even a ray of sunshine in my life, I’ve got nothing to hold onto. This is the only way.