Hourglass

I ran from the hotel room, tears stinging my eyes. I couldn’t face Lucas’s anger at that moment, even though I deserved it. My own guilt had come crashing down, punishing me more horribly than he or anyone else could. I had to be alone, to cry it out for myself, but where could I go?

Blindly, I pushed into the stairwell, listening to my sobs echo as I hurried upward. I wasn’t running anywhere in particular, just running—as though I could outrace the knowledge of what I’d done. When I reached the rooftop and could go no farther, I walked out to the pool. A few kids splashed in the kiddie area, but for the moment I had the deep end to myself. I kicked off my sandals, dunked my feet, hung my head, and wept quietly for a long time until all the tears had run out.

At dusk, someone finally sat beside me at the pool’s edge—Lucas. I couldn’t quite bring myself to meet his eyes. He sat by my side, unlaced his shoes, and dunked his feet, too. I should have found that more encouraging than I did.

Lucas spoke first. “I shouldn’t have shouted.”

“If I’d had any idea what could happen—that Mrs. Bethany might find us from that and come after the group—there’s no way I would’ve sent the e-mail. I promise you.”

“I realize that. But you could have sent a letter. Gotten Vic to call them. There were other things you could’ve done. If you’d thought it through—”

“But I didn’t.”

“No.” Lucas sighed.

My shortsightedness had cost Lucas dearly and had cost some of the Black Cross hunters their lives. Although many of them were antivampire zealots, that didn’t mean they all deserved to be murdered in cold blood. Because of me, they had been. “Lucas, I’m so sorry. I’m so incredibly sorry.”

“I get that. It just doesn’t change anything.” Then he grimaced and stared out at the city around us; Philadelphia didn’t glitter the way New York did, but it was still shiny and steely, more light than darkness. “Mom’s all alone. She lost Eduardo; she lost me; she lost her Black Cross cell. What’s she going to do? Who’s going to be there for her? I planned to leave with you, and I don’t regret doing it, but when I made that decision, I thought Eduardo would be there with her. I know you think she’s so tough—and she is—but this—”

I’d been so busy worrying about myself and my friends that I hadn’t spared a thought for Kate. In a lot of ways, her situation was as bad as my parents—worse, even, because at least they had each other. Kate had nobody. “Surely, someday, when we’re safer, you can call her or something.”

“If I contact her, ever, she’ll tell Black Cross. Those are the rules. She won’t break them.”

“Not even for you?” I didn’t believe that for a second, but obviously Lucas did.

He looked at our reflections on the surface of the pool, as if weary. Although I could see that his anger was diminishing, it was being replaced by depression. That wasn’t much easier to witness. “Mom’s a good soldier. Like I always tried to be.”

“Like you are.”

“Good soldiers don’t sacrifice the cause for love.”

“If the cause isn’t love, then it isn’t worth the sacrifice.”

Lucas gave me a sad smile. “You’re worth it. I know that. Even when you mess up. Because God knows I mess up, too.”

I wanted to hug him, but somehow I sensed the moment wasn’t right. The inner demons Lucas was grappling with needed to come out.

He continued, “My whole life, I’ve been in Black Cross. I’ve always known who I was, what my purpose should be. I knew I would be a hunter forever. But now that’s all over.”

“I know how that feels,” I said. “I always thought I would turn into a vampire. Now I don’t know what comes next. It’s—it’s scary.”

Lucas took my hand. “As long as we’ve got each other,” he said, “it’s worth it.”

“I know that. But I still wonder—Lucas, what will we become?”

He admitted, “I don’t know.”

I put my arms around his neck and held onto him tightly. We needed more than love; we needed to be strong enough for faith.

The next couple of days were quieter, even relaxing. Although Lucas obviously spent some time brooding about his mother, the argument between us had ended. We watched TV or walked around to see the sights in Philadelphia. One day we split up, so I could find out if any restaurants needed waitresses, while Lucas applied for jobs at garages. To our astonishment and relief, we both got offers to start right after the holiday.

We spent every night in our room, together.

I hadn’t realized it was possible, to want someone even worse the more I was with him. All I knew was that I didn’t feel shy any longer. I didn’t have any doubts. Lucas knew me like no other person ever had, and I never felt safer than when I was with him, totally, completely. Afterward, I curled next to Lucas and sank into a sleep too deep for dreams.

Except, that is, for the night of the Fourth of July. Maybe it was the fireworks, or the sugar rush from cotton candy, but that night, I had the most vivid dream of all.

“I’m right here,” said the wraith.

She stood in front of me, looking not like a phantasm but like any other person. I could feel the death in her, leaching heat out of my living body. That wasn’t something she was doing to be mean—it was just the nature of what she was.