If Only
The pause seemed far too long. “Would you trust me enough to meet me so we can discuss this? I’d consider it a favor.”
Oh, sneaky, guilt-inducing question. If she said no, the implication was that she didn’t trust him. “No need.” She forced a light tone past her clogged-up throat. “I’m finishing up my semester and am overloaded right now. Afterward, I’ll probably move out of state to wherever I find a job. This is as good a time as any to quit.”
“Little one, did Galen and Vance—”
“No. My decision has nothing to do with them.” God, how many people could she lie to? She blinked back tears, already missing everyone. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the years, Sir. Give Jessica a hug for me.” It took all her determination to push the red Disconnect button.
After staring at the blank screen for a minute, she turned the phone completely off. Just in case.
He knew she was quitting because of the Feds. Would he give the men a rough time? Master Z was very protective of the submissives—especially the trainees.
A breeze ruffled her hair. Wind was wonderfully soothing in a muggy climate…until it was disturbed, turned into a hurricane, and flattened everything in its path. Much like Master Z.
She shook her head. She’d bet Galen had a ferocious temper as well. And he and Vance hadn’t done anything terribly wrong. They’d only asked her some questions.
Hard questions.
Chin on her knee, she wrapped her arms around her legs. She not only didn’t know the answers, but the idea of sharing her emotions creeped her out.
She’d never talked to Frank about her feelings. Like her father, he didn’t want to know.
She scowled. So they wanted her to blurt out every thought? How boring. Wouldn’t that take all the fun out of a scene?
Her brows drew together. Would it, though? Other submissives talked to their Doms about their impressions—even if not during the scene, at least afterward. But—Sally wrinkled her brow—why hadn’t she told a Dom something like, I prefer finger fucking to be gentle at first. In aftercare, she’d snuggle, not talk, even if the Doms wanted to discuss the scene. And most of them had.
She frowned. Frank never asked. He’d never done much aftercare for that matter. He might’ve talked the talk, but he sure hadn’t walked the walk.
The Feds had him beat there. They’d been affectionate. Caring. Acting as if they liked who she was…aside from her reluctance to spill her guts. What was their problem anyway? Guys weren’t supposed to like that emotional baring stuff…which was probably why no other Doms had gotten upset. But the Feds had been all over her evasions like white on rice.
Sheesh.
Well, she couldn’t deal with this now. She had a couple of final papers to hand in, graduation practice, and résumés to send out.
Job hunting to do. She hadn’t lied to Master Z about relocating away from Tampa.
She’d planned on trying to find a job in the area. Leaving might be smarter. The BDSM community was small enough that the local Doms would learn she’d faked orgasms. Or she’d run into Frank. How awkward would that be?
She straightened her shoulders. Three easy steps. Graduate. Find a job. Move.
But I like Florida. She shook her head. No whining. Miami might be fun. Or better yet, New Orleans.
But she’d leave behind all her Shadowlands friends. When tears burned her eyes, she had to bite her lip to keep control.
I can do this. She could do anything. She’d survived losing her mother. Survived her father’s anger. Put herself through college and grad school. Being lonely… Well, she’d make new friends.
She was “fun.” No one had ever wanted more from her than silence and service or entertainment.
Not until the stupid Feds.
Chapter Six
On Tuesday night, Kari was sitting on the living room floor facing her son, Zane. His little face scrunched up in a grin. And his eyes looked so much like Dan’s that she felt as if her body couldn’t possibly contain all the love.
Her husband sprawled in his favorite chair behind her. On the sofa to the right, Dan’s FBI friend was idly petting her German shepherd. In total doggy heaven, Prince leaned against the man’s long legs to show his approval.
As the men talked quietly, Kari dropped a napkin over a small black-and-white plastic animal. “Where is the cow, Zane? Where did it go?”
Zane looked around, then with an almost audible click, he got it. With a squeal of glee, he pulled the napkin off the toy.
“Oh, aren’t you smart? Aren’t you the smartest, most gorgeous boy in the whole world?” She lifted her black-haired baby and blew raspberries on his tummy. The cascade of baby laughter made her heart feel as if it had been tenderized.
Vance grinned down at them.
She didn’t smile back. The agent was definitely a handsome man. And charming, as well. But after hearing from Jessica that Sally had safeworded out of a scene and then quit the Shadowlands entirely, Kari wasn’t feeling very friendly toward him. Sally was an experienced submissive and as sweet as could be, even if she was—how had Master Marcus put it?—as full of mischief as a basket of kittens. So the two Federal agents must have done something awful.
Holding a beer on his stomach, Vance stretched his legs out. “Now, loyalty forces me to say that my three nephews, naturally, take top prizes for smartest and most adorable, but Zane is right up there in fourth place.”
Dan laughed, and as always, the sound of his voice stroked over Kari’s skin like a fuzzy blanket. He could always make her yearn for him. If only she had the same effect on him.
She set Zane in her lap and kissed his baby-soft cheek, feeling clumsy and overweight and…ugly. She looked down at her clothes. Dumpy and boring. But after having Zane, she’d been so exhausted, emotional, and—face it—depressed, that it had been an effort to keep moving, to care for the baby. Being attractive had been low on the list. Having sex, even lower.
Although her depression had finally wafted away like dark clouds after a storm, she still felt ugly. The weight she’d gained during her pregnancy hadn’t disappeared, her stomach was on the flabby side and had acquired a fine set of stretch marks.
Dan spent his days in a life-altering, dangerous world with beautiful, intelligent women. She spent her days babbling at a baby.
She knew he was tied up with work; she shouldn’t feel as if he was neglecting her. But…if she was more attractive or sexier, would he be home more?
“He looks like a miniature of you, Dan,” Vance said. “Nice job.”
“Kari did all the work,” Dan said. “I was just along for the ride.”
She managed to summon a sweet smile for him before stacking blocks so Zane could push them over. “I’m going to take Zane upstairs once your game starts. I don’t want him corrupted by all the swearing if some poor player misses a pitch.”
Dan snorted, then asked Vance, “Is Kouros joining us?”
“In a bit. He was tiling the kitchen backsplash and wanted to finish.”
“You two have your work cut out for you with that old house.”
Kari agreed silently. After the two agents had bought the place last February, she and Dan had visited. Dan had come right out and said it: “What a dump.” But maybe that was what they deserved.
“True enough,” Vance said. “But some days, I like having something to pound on.”
“Yeah,” Dan said under his breath. He’d understand, she knew. He wasn’t assigned to the FBI agents’ slave-trafficking project, but he kept informed and helped where he could.
Watching Kari restack the blocks, Dan frowned. “You look tired, sweetheart.”
“I’m fine.” To shift Dan’s attention away—and because she couldn’t be openly rude to her husband’s guest—she said to Vance, “I don’t know if you’d be interested, but did you know Sally quit the trainees? And the Shadowlands as well?” And you’re one of the jerks who drove her away.
“She quit?” Vance stared at her before turning to Dan. “Is she fucking kidding?”
“Nope. Z called last night. Today, I caught up to Sally at work and—”
“What work?”
“She’s interning in the station’s computer department—concentrating on fraud. Good at it too.”
Vance nodded. “She mentioned digital forensics. So what’d she say about quitting?”
“Some bullshit about being too busy with graduation. That she wasn’t planning to stay in the area.”
“Hell. We pushed her too far. Too fast.” Vance’s concerned expression softened Kari’s heart. Slightly. “We told Z afterward. Z should’ve been the one to work with her. Or someone who knew her better.”
“Maybe. But you two were the ones who saw her clearly enough to notice all those defenses. Seemed logical you should continue.” Dan took a long, slow drink of his beer. “Your questions shouldn’t have provoked such an extreme reaction.”
Kari frowned down at the blocks and guided Zane’s hand to stack a block of his own. She’d just sit here and see what explanations the Dom came up with.
VANCE SILENTLY WATCHED Dan’s wife play with her son. Maybe what Dan said was true. The guilt didn’t decrease any. All they’d wanted to do was help; instead, they’d made her problem worse.