If Only

She’d been miserable afterward. Stitches—actual stitches in her pussy. Hurting. Couldn’t even sit comfortably. Exhausted. Depressed. She’d cried the first few times they’d made love—and not with happy tears. But, brave woman, she was the one to insist they keep going.

At least they’d gotten past that, but he missed the extra element the D/s dynamic had brought into their lives.

He was a selfish bastard, wanting it all. But, if vanilla was what she needed, he loved her enough to accept her wishes.

After holding the door for the dog, Dan closed and locked it, turned, and stopped.

Kari stood in the living room. She had a determined tilt to her pretty round chin and her mouth set in a straight line.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “I thought you’d be in bed.”

Her lip wobbled, and she bit it—damn, he wanted to be the one biting it. “I’d rather be here.”

“You’re not sleepy yet? Would you like some wine or—”

“No!” The sharpness of her voice was a slap in the face. He’d heard that tone from her only once—at the Shadowlands the night she’d given up on him. She’d thrown her wrist cuffs at him and told him she deserved better than him. “I’m going to find someone who will appreciate me.”

Worry tightened his gut. “Something has been bothering you. About us. Am I right?” Please, God, let her say no. True, he felt like an asshole for getting her pregnant, but he’d never been so happy. Never been loved so sweetly. His life was filled with the sound of Zane’s joyful gurgle, of Kari’s sweet laughter. “Let’s—” He forced himself to say the words. “Let’s hear it, sweetheart.”

Her gaze dropped. She was wringing her hands. “When we met—remember how we met?”

After talking her into a beginning BDSM class, her asshole boyfriend had been so obnoxious she’d broken up with him on the spot. Dan had been more than happy to take his place and teach her the joys of submission. The little newbie had been appallingly, excitingly innocent.

He’d asked her what kind of submissive she was, and she’d answered, “Submissives come in different types? I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about. Can we try multiple choice?” She’d been the most adorable little teacher he’d ever met. Still was.

“I’m not liable to forget.” Just the memory of her wide blue eyes when he’d first restrained her made him smile. Made him erect.

“You liked me then. I… What do I have to do to have you like me again?”

The hurt in her voice sliced through his reminiscing like a fillet knife. “Like you? Kari, I love you. How can you—”

“I know you love me.” Tears filled her eyes. “But do you like…” She gestured at her body. “Like me. Do I need to lose weight or—”

“Fuck.” He yanked her into his arms. “Why the hell would you want to lose weight? Stay the way you are, dammit. Round and soft and— You’re beautiful. Why the hell would you say that?”

“But you don’t want me anymore.”

And the wood in his jeans was because she didn’t turn him on? “Kari, every time I get within two feet of you, I’m hard.” He rubbed his erection against her. “We made love just last night.”

“Yeah.” The unhappiness hadn’t left her voice. “I guess. Never mind.” She wasn’t going to share what was wrong.

Oh yes, she is. As if a switch had been turned, he slid into the Dom mode he’d avoided since she had Zane. “Don’t bullshit me, sweetling. Tell me what the problem is. Now.” Her chin still fit in the palm of his hand. When he tightened his fingers to keep her face raised, he could feel her yield. Submissive to the core.

“I want this.” At his confused frown, she clarified. “I want to serve you. To have you order… Why don’t you ever make me…?” She pulled in a breath and said clearly, “We go to the Shadowlands but only so you can be a monitor. Never to play.”

He stared at her in disbelief. “You want to play.” No, more than that. “You want the D/s side of our relationship back?”

KARI REALIZED SHE’D probably turned the color of a strawberry. But she mustered her courage and shoved down the embarrassment. “Yes. Yes to both.”

“Well, damn.” His calloused hand was hard and unyielding and turned her on so much she almost shook with it. Not just his touch but also the firmness. The authority.

She managed to get the words out. “Why did you stop wanting me as your submissive?”

“Kari—did you forget? You didn’t want to be my sub. And I don’t blame you.” His jaw tightened. “I packed your bag for a bondage weekend I wanted—and forgot your birth control pills. Got you pregnant before you were ready. And that labor stuff—you went through hell during and after. Sheer hell. What kind of a Dom fucks up so badly?”

“You feel guilty? Because I got pregnant?” She saw his answer in his face. “Dan, I’m old enough to know to check my overnight bag. I don’t regret having Zane in the least. So he was a few years early. He’s perfect.”

He started to speak, and she held her hand up. “Give me a second.”

She paced across the room, her head reeling as if she’d chugged one of Sally’s crazy drinks. Guilt? Dan?

Stop and think logically.

One, Dan always felt responsible for everything. Maybe it was a side effect of needing to be in control. If anything went wrong, he blamed himself. So, yeah, she could see that.

And in Dom mode, he was incredible. But as a normal guy, he could be a total idiot if his emotions got him going in a circle.

And then… “You didn’t want to be my sub.” That was just wrong. She stopped her pacing. “Why in the world would you think I didn’t want to be your submissive?”

“You said so.”

“I did not.”

He looked at her as if she were losing it. “Kari, you said, ‘No, I don’t think I ever want to play again. Ever.’ That sounds pretty clear to me. You said it more than once.”

She frowned, having a vague memory of saying that. Back when…

Oh, honestly.

“After I had Zane, my hormones were all over the chart.” She put her hands on her hips and glared. How could a man be such an idiot? “I also said I never wanted to talk to my mother again. That I was going to stay in the bedroom and never come out. That you should take Zane and go live in the backyard for a month…with the dog. Did you take me seriously those times too?”

“Ah. No.” The small dent in his cheek showed the beginnings of a smile. “Son of a bitch.” He shook his head, his mouth tightening in annoyance. “I’ve been an idiot.”

Saying yes was totally not a tactful response…and she couldn’t stop herself. “Yes. You have.”

“So, you want more than a vanilla love life,” he said softly. His gaze changed, transforming into an intense focus that sent windmills spinning in her chest. “But you didn’t say anything because…because you thought I didn’t want you. Kari, why wouldn’t I want you?”

The room seemed awfully small all of a sudden. She took a step back.

As if she were one of his criminals, he gripped the front of her shirt and pulled her forward until her face was only inches from his. “Explain this to me.”

Half of her was dancing with excitement. The other half wailed, Oh no. Don’t answer that. “Because.”

“Because is not an answer.” His grip on her shirt tightened, lifted, until she stood on tiptoes. “Do better, little teacher.”

“I don’t know. Because I’m a mother and boring? Not sexy or pretty.” Her eyes closed as she whispered her worst fear. “I’m fat.”

“Fat.” He spat the word out as if tasting something incredibly foul. He’d never let her ever say that word. He’d spanked her with a ruler once for whining about gaining weight with Zane.

A second later, he released her shirt and stepped back, and she knew—knew he was so disappointed he’d just walk away.

He took his cell phone out of his jeans and shut it down. Picked up her cell from the coffee table and did the same. His dark, dark brown eyes held hers as he stalked back to her.

And then he ripped her shirt open.

Buttons pinged against the coffee table. The floor. “Dan!”

“Try again, little sub.” His voice went lower and so deeply masculine that she dampened. He dragged her shirt off her shoulders, and in some arcane Dom technique, used the long sleeves to tie her wrists behind her back.

Everything inside her turned hot. “Sir. Sir, I—”

“I’ll let you know if I want you to speak.” He opened the front catch on her bra, letting her breasts spill out. Huge breasts still, even though she was weaning Zane.

But the heat in his eyes grew as he cupped them. “God, you have gorgeous breasts, Kari.”

No longer gentle, he caressed her breasts with his calloused hands, rolling the sensitive nipples between his fingers until she was sucking in long breaths. His gaze stayed on her face, the crease in his cheek deepening.