If You Leave

I can hear him speaking to me, telling me that I can’t fix everything all the time, that I’m just a person like anyone else. But his words don’t even matter.



It’s his voice that gives me comfort; his calm, husky, soothing voice. I wish I could wrap myself up in it and stay that way forever.



But even his voice can’t stop my endless flow of tears.



I’m not sure if I’m only crying for Mila’s current situation, or if I’m crying for everything that’s happened in the past couple of years, for everything that I haven’t allowed myself to cry for. Even at our parents’ funeral I only cried once. I wanted to be the strong one, the one Mila could lean on. It feels so effing good to let it all go now.



I feel utterly drained when I finally look up at Gabe.



“Thanks for letting me cry on you,” I tell him weakly. I’m embarrassed, but he smiles.



“Jacey tells me that sometimes a woman just needs a good cry.” He shrugs. “Now, I should also admit that she cries at the drop of a hat, say if her coffee isn’t hot enough. But still, it makes sense. Crying is cleansing. You should try it more often.”



I roll my eyes, but I do feel remarkably cleansed, not that I’d ever admit it. I’m a strong person. I’ve always prided myself on that strength. I’m not about to become weak now. I lean my face against Gabriel’s chest again.



I stare at the wall, at the shadows that move there, and I know that I just don’t want to be alone tonight. I don’t want Gabriel to leave. He’s so very strong and I just want to absorb all that strength, to replenish my own.



The thought of him leaving me after the emotional mess I’ve been tonight… it makes me feel panicky inside, deep inside a place where I’ve never looked.



“I know this seems sudden and clingy,” I mumble against his warm skin, “But can you stay? I want to sleep next to you tonight. I don’t want to be alone.”



Gabriel tenses up, his muscles coiled against me. Staying with me is obviously something that he doesn’t want to do. My breath catches in my throat and heat burns up my cheeks.



“Never mind,” I say quickly, pushing away from him. “That was stupid. You don’t need to stay.”



He gazes at me and brushes a piece of my hair away from my face. “It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just… there’s shit you don’t know about me. I can’t stay. But I’ll stay until you go to sleep. How about that?”



I find myself nodding when my pride really wants to tell him to just go if he doesn’t want to be here. But something in his face, something vulnerable in his eyes, makes me really hear what he’s saying. He’s not rejecting me. It’s something deeper than that.



There’s shit you don’t know about me.



After we turn off the lights in the kitchen and climb under the covers of my bed, I turn and snuggle into Gabriel’s chest, enjoying the way his arms hold me close. I can hear the beat of his heart against my ear and the sound soothes me.



“Tell me about the shit I don’t know,” I say quietly. “Because I’d like to know it.”



Gabriel is quiet for a moment and just when I think that he must be trying to decide how to tell me, he declines.



“Maddy, I just can’t.”



I can tell from his firm tone that he means it. He’s not going to talk about it. I can’t even be mad about that because I can also hear something else in his voice… something hurt, something tired, something resigned. Something that doesn’t have anything to do with me.



Something secret.



It makes me wrap my arm tighter around his side, pulling him closer.



“If you ever want to tell me, you can,” I tell him quietly. “I won’t judge. I promise that I’ll try not to even ask probing questions. I’ll just listen.”



I’ve known all along that he has a secret, something that has the power to drop him to his knees. He thinks that it’s a secret, anyway. But I’ve seen it. I know how it affects him.



It’s what caused the secret that I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of anything that can decimate a person like Gabriel.



I feel his lips moving against my hair.



“Thanks, Maddy. Maybe someday.”



But don’t count on it.



He doesn’t say that, but I’m sure he’s thinking it. I would bet any amount of money that he’s never planning on talking about it, that he’s going to keep everything buried as far down as he can for as long as he can. I know that’s dangerous. You can’t do that with something so big. If you do, it will explode.



And then what will happen? If it affects him as violently as it does right now, what will happen when it explodes?



I close my eyes again. I can’t answer that question. It’s so important and so scary, but I don’t have it in me to think about it tonight.



So instead I inhale him, enjoying his masculine smell. I know I’ll never forget his scent now; it smells like the outdoors, like musk and cedar. Like everything strong and good in the world. It’s delicious.



But I can’t sleep. Even though I’m warm and safe with Gabriel, I’m restless and I know the reason why. Because I know that the second I fall asleep, he’s going to leave.



“If you leave, I won’t be able to sleep,” I tell him. “So I think we’re just going to have to lie here together, both of us awake until morning.”



He chuckles again, tightening his hold on me. “Somehow, Maddy, I feel like you won’t be a pleasant person to be around if you don’t get any sleep.”



I start to protest, but then can’t even deny it.



“Fine, you’re right,” I grumble. “I’m a bitch when I don’t sleep.”



“Thought so,” Gabriel answers smugly. “But that’s OK. I like your bitchiness.”



I jab him in the ribs and he laughs, while I snuggle back into the crook of his arm. I lie still for a minute, just savoring his nearness before I feel the need to share something.



“You’re not the person I thought you were.”



Gabriel startles, then his words are quiet. “And what kind of person am I?”



My answer is immediate. “You’re someone who won’t hurt me.”



I hope.



Gabriel is silent for a moment, then he exhales a ragged breath. “I would never hurt you on purpose, Maddy. Did you think that I would?”



I hesitate. “I, um. I thought you were a different kind of person. I thought you were a bully and I seriously hate bullies.”



Gabe lets that sink in. “Pax told me a little bit about your father. Is that why you hate bullies so much?”



I freeze, my hand unmoving on Gabriel’s chest. I can’t believe that Pax would tell someone. I’m not mad, just taken aback. It’s not something any of us talk about.



I have a brief flash of my father’s fist hovering above my mother’s face, droplets of blood on her dress, and I force the taste of fear out of my mouth.



Even the memory of fear tastes bad.



“I guess,” I finally answer. “I loved my dad. But he had an anger problem.”



Gabe’s question is hesitant, yet his words are strong. He sounds pissed, but like he’s reining it in. “Did he ever hit you?”



My heart squeezes in my chest and I don’t want to answer. I don’t want to admit it out loud, but at the same time I don’t want to lie. Not to Gabe.



“Only once. But once was enough.”



It’s enough that I close my eyes and stilt my words and it’s very obvious that I don’t want to talk about it. Gabe takes the hint and holds me closer, his strong arms incredibly gentle.



“It’s OK. You don’t have to tell me about it. I’m not like that, Maddy. I won’t ever hit you. That’s not me.”



I relax now, letting my body soften against his.



“I know,” I tell him honestly. “I’m not worried about that. I was more worried that you would be controlling like him, violent when you’re angry. I can’t take that kind of man. But that’s not you. I know that now.”



He doesn’t ask why I would think that and I’m grateful. Because then I don’t have to explain that I search for my father’s traits in every man.



I don’t have to explain how it makes me weak, how always being afraid of those traits gives me a vulnerability. A vulnerability that I don’t want.



I close my eyes again, reveling in the comfort that Gabe brings me, surprised by it, actually. I never expected to find someone who affects me the way Gabriel does. It’s like an unexpected gift.



Gabe seems tense though, his body stiff, and I figure it’s because I scared the shit out of him by talking about my feelings… by sharing some of my past with him. I gently shake him.



“It’s all right,” I tell him softly, teasingly. “I’m done talking about deep stuff. I just wanted you to know that I misjudged you and that I’m sorry for it.”



He relaxes, his hard body slumping against me. “You don’t need to apologize. Everyone judges people when they meet them. It’s normal.”



It only takes me a couple of seconds to respond to that.



“What did you think about me?”



Gabe thinks about it for a minute. “I thought you were drop-dead fucking gorgeous and I couldn’t figure out why you wanted to go home with me. You didn’t seem like the kind of girl for a one-night stand. But I thanked God for my good fortune anyway.”



I’m OK with that answer. It’s not deep, but it’s such a man answer. At least he’s honest.



“I’m not the kind of girl for a one-night stand,” I admit. “That was your sister’s idea. She thought I needed to hook up and blow off some stress. But I met you instead. And that might’ve been a really good thing. I’m not trying to get serious or anything so don’t get worked up, but what are we doing here, Gabe? What is this? You and I have been playing cat and mouse since we first saw each other. But I’m tired of playing games.”



He’s quiet for a second, then bends to press a kiss on the top of my head.



“This is you and me, Madison. This is just you and me. We might be fucked up in some ways, but like Jacey says, we’re good people. We’ll figure it out. Everything will be fine.”



I nod and count his breaths, then listen to his heartbeat for a while. I count the steady beats and while I do, I can’t help but ponder how everyone has issues. Some are more horrible than others, and so often, people just walk around with their painful secrets buried deep down inside because they are so ashamed of them.



Just when I’m almost asleep, I ask one last question.



“Is everyone in the world broken, Gabriel?” Even to my own ears, my whisper itself sounds broken in the velvety night. I can feel the weight of Gabriel’s gaze as he stares down at me in the dark.



“I think so,” he finally answers. “In their own way.”



He pulls me close, kissing me softly on the mouth, before I settle back into his side. Before long sleepiness does overtake me and I slip into the oblivion that only sleep can offer.