If You Only Knew

Though I never check my phone during a consultation, I do now. Ah ha! Leo has texted back.

Thx.

Worry, irritation and disappointment twang through me. It’s not that I’m unsympathetic. It’s that I’m dying to be sympathetic. I want to hug him, to be there for him. I know he loved Loki, I know he’s a little bit heartbroken, but come on. Give me more than three letters.

Finally, my bridezilla leaves, a half hour after her allotted time, and my sister comes in, the three girls in tow. “Auntie!” they cry, charging me.

“Sugarplums!” I answer, hugging them all close to me. I kiss them over and over until they wriggle out of my arms and charge around the room.

“Don’t touch anything, little demons,” Andreas says, and they erupt in giggles and attack his legs. “Jenny, save me,” he says, making them laugh harder. He’s serious, of course, but part of his healthy paycheck involves dealing with flower girls. Especially when they’re related to me.

I take the girls into the consultation room with Rachel and mock-interview them. “Is this your first wedding? It is, I see. And your favorite color is sparkle? Mine, too. I’m thinking that you should all look like princesses. Do you agree?”

I take their measurements, and for once, all three of them are angelic at the same time, giggling as I wrap my green tape measure around their adorable little potbellies. Rachel and I talk easily about the dresses—we’re going with the classic flower-girl look of white satin and tulle with pink sashes and crowns of pink silk flowers.

“Yes, yes, crowns, Mommy!” Grace says.

“Crowns! Crowns!” Charlotte chants.

“I want pupple,” Rose demands.

Finally, I ask Andreas to entertain the girls for a few minutes. “No,” he says.

“You have to. I’m your boss. I’ll fire you if you don’t.”

“Ooh. I’m shaking. Besides, I have a novel to write.”

“How about I give you an extra day off? You can spend all day writing.”

He hesitates.

“Two days. Jeesh. They’re just children, Andreas.”

“Fine, you win. Come on, girls.” He heaves a sigh. “I’ll get you a cookie at the bakery if you promise not to bite me.”

“Is that okay?” I ask my sister. She’s really strict about snacks.

“Go for it,” she tells Andreas, giving him a twenty, which he brushes off. Secretly, I think he loves children.

The girls chorus and jostle for his attention. “Andreas, I hold your hand!” “I want your hand!” “No, Rose, I called it!” “Stop it!” “I had it first!”

“Dear God, kill me now,” Andreas mutters with a fabulous eye roll. “I’ll be back as soon as humanly possible. What did I say about biting, blondie? Knock it off.”

They leave. It seems very quiet.

“How’s it going?” I ask.

“Good. Things are good,” she answers.

“I’m glad.” There’s an awkward pause. “Rachel, I just want you to be happy and have everything you deserve.” My words are stiff and tight...and sincere.

She smiles, a little sadly, and my throat tightens. “I know. Thanks. Same to you, of course.” She pauses. “Adam and I are working on things. We’re getting there. I have to believe that we’ll get past this.”

“Sure. And, um, some people do.” Now would be the time to tell her about our father, I guess.

But I can’t. She doesn’t know, and she hasn’t known, and why on earth would I poison her memories of him? Until I saw Dad kissing Dorothy, he was perfect in my eyes. Rachel still gets to have that.

“How’s Leo?” she asks.

“He’s... Well, his dog died, so he’s pretty down.”

“Tell him I’m really sorry.”

“I will. Thanks.”

“So you two are a couple?” she asks.

“Well...sort of. You were right, though. He’s a little closed off. But wonderful, too.”

She nods. “I miss you,” she blurts, and then we’re crying and hugging and thank God, because I’ve been so afraid that things would never get back to the way they were, that Rachel, my darling sister and best friend, would keep me at arm’s length forever because of what I know about her shithead husband.

I lied to her. I will never forgive Adam.

“I’ve missed you, too,” I say.

“Mom’s been like a shark with blood in the water,” Rachel says, grabbing a tissue and wiping her eyes. “She knows something’s up.”

“I know. She’s been calling me daily to try to pry something out of me.”

“You won’t tell her anything, will you?”

“God, no!”

We laugh, and thus bonded over that eternal go-to for siblings—their parents’ flaws.

“Maybe...well, maybe Leo and you and Adam and I can go out for dinner sometime,” Rachel suggests. “It’d be nice to get to know Leo a little better.”

I nod, my smile slipping a little. “I’ll ask. Like I said, he’s a little blue.” I already know that, just as he refused to come to Kimber’s wedding with me, he won’t want to have dinner with my sister and her husband. Too familial.

But at least Rachel and I are back to normal. Thank God for that.

* * *

As I’m closing up the shop that night, I see Leo across the street, waiting for me, and my heart, that schizophrenic organ, leaps, cheerfully forgetting all my earlier worries. “Hey!” I call, waiting for a car to pass so I can run across the street—in heels, no less, an incredible life skill. “How are you?” I hug him, and he hugs me back, quickly but hard.