“Now, that’s a Christmas miracle.” Nina laughed.

Lifting my mug up toward the sky, I chanted, “Merry Christmas to all motherfuckers and to all a motherfucking good night!”

***

It was practically morning by the time we finally went inside. Nina retreated to the shower, and as always, I snuck into her room. I opted not to leave her a bat that night because I’d been holding onto a pair of plastic gold pilot’s wings to congratulate her on making it through her first airplane ride. I left the wings on her nightstand and went back to my room but couldn’t sleep.

I’d have to leave for work in the morning and wouldn’t see her again before she left since she and Ryan would be hitting the road to beat weekend traffic sometime in the afternoon. It was a Friday, and per usual, I’d be heading to Boston after work.

Before I left the following morning, I snuck a paper bat into her room. It had a hole punched into the top with some fishing line tied into a loop running through it. It was supposed to be a Christmas ornament.

What I almost wrote:

I can’t thank you enough for yesterday.

Not just for letting me take you away,

But for seeing it through to the end.

And for being a true friend.

What I wished I could have written:

My Christmas wish this year,

Is to overcome MY fear.

Bet you never knew…

My one fear is losing you.

What I never could have written:

I’d just about die to fuck you in the sky.

So, if you ever want to try mile-high,

Thirty minutes would be more than enough,

To make you come, slow and rough.

What I actually wrote:

Hang this on your tree.

And think of me.

CHAPTER 15

Present

My sister reached over to pour more wine. “I’ll never forget that Christmas.”

“What exactly was so memorable for you?” I asked. “Because I’ll tell you what I remember. I remember completely losing my shit.”

“You came home a changed person. I could see in your eyes that you had something major on your mind. It was written all over your face. I suspected it had something to do with the same girl you mentioned to me before, but you wouldn’t talk to me.”

Cedric nodded his head, seeming way too amused. “So, she sent me to do some digging. Remember? I was the one that finally got it out of you. You were lovesick.”

Allison slapped her knee. “Lovesick! That’s a good way to describe it. My tough, tattooed, hard as nails brother had turned into a lovesick puppy.”

Looking utterly entertained, Skylar curled into Mitch and glanced over at me. “So, you couldn’t hide it anymore, huh?”

“Being away from her for those two weeks felt like an unbearable eternity. It’s funny how being physically apart from someone can intensify the physical need for them. Those days were pivotal because not only did they confirm that I needed to come clean to her the second she came back, but they also made me more determined than ever to find a way to be with her. Losing her wasn’t an option anymore because it felt like I needed her to breathe. I convinced myself that I’d find a way to make it work. Toward the end of the vacation, I basically decided to stop hiding the fact that I wanted her¸ too. I let her clearly know it.”

“In what way?” Mitch asked.

“Things started getting sexual between us while we were apart. Maybe it was because of the safety barrier of separation or distance, but I just stopped holding back in that area.”

“TMI,” Allison shouted.

“Not at all,” Skylar said as she crossed her legs and leaned in. “Do tell.”

CHAPTER 16

Past

I spit out a piece of stale fruit cake into a red and green Christmas napkin and discreetly dumped it in the garbage, opting for a cookie instead. The buffet choices were limited at the annual Christmas Eve party held at the group home. I’d brought a tray of pigs in a blanket appetizers that people scarfed down within the first ten minutes.

About a dozen family members, residents and social workers packed into the small dining area. It was about four in the afternoon, and most were getting ready to leave.

Sipping hot apple cider, Ivy was in a quiet mood as we sat in the corner.

“Are you going to your sister’s house for Christmas stuff tonight?” she asked.

“After I leave here, yes, but I’ll stay with you as late as you want.”

“Okay,” she said, anxiously looking up at the clock.

“I won’t leave till you tell me to, Ivy. Alright?”

She didn’t respond. During most visits, she typically kicked me out way before I usually planned to leave anyway.

Half of the residents had gone home to their respective families for the holiday weekend. While Allison and Cedric told me that Ivy was welcome at the house, bringing her there was something I’d avoided. The one year she came home with me for Christmas Eve, she had an episode that scared the living daylights out of my nieces. It wasn’t worth taking the risk again, especially since Ivy wasn’t comfortable there anyway, so there was no point in pushing it.

“Can I give you your present now?” I asked, taking an envelope out of the inner pocket of my jacket.

She shook her head. “I’m not in the mood.”

Shopping for Ivy was tough because she never liked what I bought for her. Anything of sentimental value, like jewelry, seemed to make her sad or angry. She hated any of the clothing I picked out. The one thing I knew she’d appreciate and actually use (aside from cigarettes, which I refused to buy her) was a Dunkin Donuts gift card. Ivy took daily walks there, and I made sure she had enough credit on the card to last her a year. Their coffee was her favorite, heavy on the cream and sugar, and I usually picked her up a hot one before each of my visits.