Jed Had to Die

“Did we really make that douchebag husband of yours a poisoned blueberry pie?” I ask, even though I already know the answer to that since I’m still staring into the kitchen and can see an empty white bottle of Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner tipped onto its side next to the stove.

My cell phone rings again and I cut it off once more when I see my mother’s name on the display, rolling my eyes when I tell Emma Jo who it is and why she’s calling.

“Anyway, yes, yes we did make a poisoned blueberry pie,” Emma Jo confirms when my phone beeps with an incoming voice message from my mother. “It was actually a great idea since the pie was blue and Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner is also blue. Sadly, we didn’t think that plan through very much, considering Jed isn’t supposed to come within a hundred yards of me and we’d have no way of feeding him the pie.”

I nod with a sigh. “Maybe once our hangovers pass, we’ll be able to come up with a new plan.”

Emma Jo’s home phone starts ringing from the side table, and I hold up my hand to Emma Jo when she starts to reach for it.

“I guarantee you it’s my mother. You don’t need to listen to her scream about what a horrible child I am because I won’t answer my phone. I’ll get it,” I lament, pushing up from the floor and moving over to the table to answer the call.

“Mama, I told you, I’ll stop by and talk to you later.”

“Emma Jo, there’s something in your back yard,” a woman on the other end of the line whispers, sounding nothing like my mother.

“This isn’t Emma Jo. Can I tell her who’s calling?” I ask nicely, remembering my manners so word doesn’t get back to my mother that I’m a horrible phone conversationalist and someone kicks her out of her Sunday afternoon Bridge club for it.

“Payton Lambert, is that you? I heard you were back in town. Bo Jangles has been fit to be tied ever since you yelled at him last night, and now he won’t stop barking at something in Emma Jo’s yard. I think he’s traumatized and he thinks it’s you. Are you outside in the back?”

I try not to sigh too loudly when I realize it’s Mrs. Godfrey on the other end of the line, Emma Jo’s neighbor and the owner of dog who pissed on my leg.

“Hello, Mrs. Godfrey, and yes, this is Payton. And your dog almost attacked me and then peed on my leg,” I tell her in the nicest voice possible and without any swearing.

I should get a medal.

“Bo Jangles wouldn’t attack anyone! I’m sure he only lifted his leg on you because you frightened my poor baby. He’s been outside all morning sitting at the fence and barking over at Emma Jo’s yard. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be, but I can see something out there in the grass,” she informs me.

With my pounding headache, the phone call from my mother, and taking a trip down drunk memory lane with Emma Jo, I didn’t notice the barking coming from outside. Now that I do, it’s all I can hear and it’s worse than knives to the brain. Much worse. It’s high-pitched and yappy, and even from outside in the next yard, it’s loud and annoying.

Pulling the phone away from my mouth when Emma Jo asks me in a whisper what’s going on, I quickly explain to her in a hushed voice about the psychotic dog and Mrs. Godfrey’s claim that he’s barking at something in her backyard. Emma Jo shakes her head and leaves the room, heading down the hall to one of the rooms that face the backyard.

“I already called Sheriff Hudson about it because Bo Jangles is so upset, and I need to get him to calm down and come inside to take a nap. It looks like a deer or some other kind of large animal back there. I saw Mayor Jackson’s car in the driveway last night so I know he’s home early from that meeting of his. Tell him to go outside and see what it is. He’s always so nice and helpful, and Bo Jangles loves him. Bo Jangles would never lift his leg on him,” Starla retorts in a snotty voice.

“Mayor Jackson actually isn’t home right now, but don’t worry Mrs. Godfrey, I’ll go outside and see what it is that Bo Jangles is barking at. You can call Sheriff Hudson back and tell him we don’t need him,” I snap angrily, counting to ten in my head before I let a whole string of curse words loose. “Thanks for calling and have a wonderful day!”

I quickly hang up the phone, cutting Starla off mid-sentence, knowing that it will only be a matter of minutes before my mother hears about how rude I was to her.

“That woman is just as annoying as she was when we were in high school. I don’t know how you can handle living next door to her,” I complain to Emma Jo when I hear her walk back into the room.

“Payton, it’s…” Emma Jo whispers, her voice cracking with emotion as she trails off.

I turn around to see her eyes wide and unblinking and her mouth dropped open in shock. As I start to walk toward her, there’s a knock at the door.

“Don’t move, I’ll get it. I’m sure it’s Mrs. Godfrey, coming over here to sick her dog on me for hanging up on her,” I try to joke as I move toward the door, getting a little bit worried about how pale Emma Jo’s face is right now.

Turning the deadbolt, I open the door to find Leo standing on the front porch. I want to slam the door in his face, but my eyes zero in on the coffee cup in his hand and my mouth starts to water.

“I left to go get some coffee for you since I know Emma Jo doesn’t drink it, when I got a call from the station that Mrs. Godfrey phoned in with a complaint. I can’t leave you alone for ten hours without you causing problems,” he sighs, handing me the cup of coffee.