Jed Had to Die

“Buddy, you want to tell me what you came over here for, or are you just going to shout it from outside there for the whole neighborhood to hear?” Leo asks with a sigh, still holding the door open while he shakes his head in annoyance.

“Um, well, it’s about Mayor Jackson’s autopsy,” Buddy says to Leo in a quieter voice, whispering the last part in an effort to keep anyone else from hearing, and I suddenly remember about the whole not a heart attack thing and how Emma Jo doesn’t know yet.

“Autopsy? Do you normally do an autopsy on someone who died from a heart attack?” Emma Jo asks, hearing everything Buddy said just as clearly as I did.

To the normal observer, it would sound like Emma Jo was just casually asking a question, but to me, I can hear the slight quiver of panic in her voice and see her eyes dart to mine, all wide and freaked out before she quickly masks them when Leo turns around to face us.

“Emma Jo-” Leo starts in a soft voice, but I quickly cut him off and turn to face her, grabbing onto her shoulders again and blocking her face from the guys with my head.

“Emma Jo, it looks like Jed didn’t have a heart attack. He was murdered,” I inform her, stressing that last word even though I don’t know why the fuck I felt the need to stress it. Saying the word murder is stressful enough without that added emphasis, especially when the ones who murdered him are standing right here next to two officers of the law, one of which I was just dry humping against the wall.

“WHAT?! HE WAS MURDERED! OH, MY GOD, NO!” Emma Jo screams, her bottom lip quivering while her shoulders start to shake with the worst fake crying I’ve ever seen in my life.

I quickly pull her into my arms and pat her back, shushing her with a fake soothing voice and speaking loud enough for the guys to hear, telling her I’m sorry and that everything will be okay. She wails louder and throws her head down on my shoulder, her whole body shaking as I hold her and rock her back and forth.

“Overkill! Bring it down a notch, crazy!” I whisper in her ear before looking back over my shoulder and giving Leo and Buddy sad smiles while they stare at us uncomfortably, like any good men do when faced with a hysterical woman.

“I’m so sorry, Emma Jo. I wanted to tell you earlier today when I first found out, but we needed to run some preliminary testing on the cause of death first before I could say anything,” Leo explains gently.

Emma Jo whips her head up from my shoulder and stares at me with wide eyes.

“It’s fine. Be cool. They have no idea about the pie or they’d be arresting us right now,” I whisper out of the corner of my mouth while Emma Jo sniffles loudly a few times to cover my whispering.

Buddy finally chooses to step inside the house, moving to stand next to Leo in the open doorway, nodding his head.

“I’m sorry too, ma’am. Hey, is that blueberry I smell? Did you make a blueberry pie?” he asks, lifting his chin and sniffing the air a few more times.

“What? What blueberry pie? There’s no blueberry pie here. We don’t know how to make pie,” I ramble, turning around and moving next to Emma Jo to fling my arm around her shoulder and give her a tight squeeze of warning and a little Please God help me!

“Nope, no pie baking here. I don’t like blueberry pie. The smell makes me gag. Blech,” Emma Jo adds with a scrunch of her face in disgust.

“You make blueberry pies every year for the church bake sale. The whole town raves about them and is always saying you should open your own pie making business,” Leo reminds her with a confused look on his face.

“Really? REALLY?” I ask with a wide fake smile, my head whipping to the side to stare at her.

“Oh, yeah. I guess I forgot. You know, on account of how my husband was murdered and all? OH, MY GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S GONE!” she wails, turning into me and burying her face in the side of my neck.

I give the two confused men standing in the doorway another sad smile while I pat Emma Jo’s back soothingly as she continues to moan and cry like a dying pig against my throat.

“It’s been a long day. I think I need to get Emma Jo back up to bed,” I tell them.

Buddy nods his head in understanding, turns and walks out the front door as fast as he can, obviously beyond uncomfortable with the scene happening right now and how much Emma Jo is carrying on. Her cries get louder and louder until I’m pretty sure I can hear dogs howling in response down the street.

Unfortunately, Leo doesn’t move as fast as Buddy. He stands by the door for several minutes, looking back and forth between me and Emma Jo in my arms. I can’t tell if that’s a knowing look on his face or one of complete and utter confusion, but I hope to God it’s the second one. I really don’t want to go to jail, and with my ass still stinging from him unceremoniously dumping me onto the ground, I’d really like a repeat performance of what happened tonight, preferably not from behind bars or during conjugal visits, thank you very much.

“We’ll talk tomorrow. First thing in the morning. Don’t go anywhere,” Leo says, pointing his finger at me all caveman-like. He takes one last look between me and Emma Jo, shakes his head with a sigh, turns and walks out the door.

As soon as it clicks closed and I hear Leo’s footsteps thump down the porch steps, I pull Emma Jo out of my arms and throw my hands up in the air.

“I don’t like blueberry pie. The smell makes me gag. Blech!” I mock in my best Emma Jo voice.

“I’m sorry! I panicked! Do you think they know?”