Keep

“They have marshmallows in heaven?” I asked, relieved she wouldn’t be without one of my favorite foods. She’d claimed it was the only way to get me to be a big boy and learn how to use the bathroom. A marshmallow trail to the toilet with a few colored ones dropped in.

“Of course they do!” She laughed and then started coughing. “Now, let’s eat some marshmallows, and when we’re done, I might just let you sing me a song.”

“I love eating marshmallows with you, Grandma.”

“And I love your voice, little Zane.”

We each ate a marshmallow, and then I started singing the lullaby All Through The Night.

I sang the last line and kissed her cheek, just as her eyes opened, she whispered, “Love you, my boy.”

And ten marshmallows fell to the floor.

I was in the house, pacing, eating marshmallows like my life depended on it, waiting for the calm to settle over me, only realizing it wasn’t.

There was no calm.

Holy shit, I’d finally snapped.

And brought Fallon down with me.

I didn’t want to face her.

I refused to see her again.

Because she’d seen me at my worst.

And my worst was ugly.

So ugly.

Pain swirled in my chest, pounded a rhythm along my ribs, a daunting, hopeless rhythm, that I just wished—God save me, I wished it would stop.

“I threatened to sue her,” Jay whispered taking a seat next to me on the couch. “And I may have said something about losing her house.”

I grunted. “That’s excessive.”

“Is it?” Jaymeson’s voice rose an octave. “To want to protect you from yourself? Protect the media from the truth?”

“Hah, the truth.” I smashed a marshmallow between my fingers and popped it into my mouth. “The truth is, Zane Andrews is crazy. There I said it. Elephant gone.”

“You’re not crazy.” Demetri wandered into the room, I really didn’t remember inviting him, but whatever. Had the whole world witnessed my shame? Yeah, pretty much.

She did.

The one girl I would have kept it from.

Maybe it was better that way. We were better apart.

I was getting too comfortable.

I was holding her hand in public because I liked her, for God’s sakes!

“Now Jay? Jay may be crazy. I mean England over here just threatened a poor girl with glasses who looked ready to puke because she was so worried you were about two seconds away from dying.”

My head jerked to attention. “She thought I was dying?”

“You looked like you were dying.” Lincoln joined in from the kitchen tossing me a water bottle. “Drink up.”

“Why are you guys here?”

“She called.” Jay gave me a serious look. “While you were having an epic anxiety attack over marshmallows, she called, and we were just coming back here to take a break and go over some of the songs for the soundtrack when the call came in. You’re lucky. Lucky she called me, but lucky that we were here too. Alec and Demetri’s bodyguards just flew in since we’ve been having issues on set with fans…”

I sighed. Refusing to make eye contact with any of them. “Well, thanks.”

“At the risk of getting cussed out or potentially punched,” Demetri offered. “I think you need to talk to someone, Zane.”

“Who the hell do you think you are?” I roared, jumping to my feet.

Jay slammed his arm between me and an approaching and very pissed Demetri.

“No.” He shoved Jay away. “Stop babying him. You want the truth?” Demetri snarled. “You’re acting like a spoiled jackass! Hell, my niece has better manners than you do when she’s throwing tantrums. Granted, all she wants is a tit full of milk but hell, you’re a freaking mess, man, and that’s me sugarcoating as much shit as I can.” He shook his blond head. “You need to talk to someone about the anxiety attacks. Because if you don’t, it’s just going to build until you end up a true hermit, afraid of your own shadow. At least listen to your friends, the people that care about you. Hell, listen to Mama Jay.”

Jaymeson flipped him off.

“You know if England starts yelling at innocent nineteen-year-old girls with a heart of gold in order to protect your ass, something is seriously, seriously wrong.”

“Is she okay?” I backed down, my shoulders slumping with shame. “I didn’t mean to—”

“Like hell. You knew exactly what you were doing.” Demetri rolled his eyes. “You were pushing her away, doing the whole, look I’m a monster, you’re better off without me.”

“He’s scary accurate in his assessments of human nature,” Lincoln muttered under his breath.

I smirked and nodded my head in agreement.

“So…” Jay stood. “Maybe we both apologize to the girl you like?”

“It’s not like that,” I said quickly.

You could have heard a damn pin drop in that room.

I stared blankly at every face, hoping that my body language gave no hints to my true feelings. “Guys, seriously. She doesn’t fawn all over me, won’t even take my picture which is weird, now that I think about it, and I’m paying her to basically hang out with me during the day so I can write outside of the house…I feel stifled inside, but am terrified to go outside, ergo, Fallon.”

“Does she know that?” Lincoln piped up. “Because the concern I saw on her pretty little face was anything but platonic.”