Leaving Paradise

I nod.



"The Caleb Becker? Leah Becker's brother, Caleb Becker?"



I cock my head to the side and nod some more.



Sabrina's mouth drops open and her eyes bug out.



Like a shock wave, I realize Caleb had been right all along. Going to Spain was just a copout, a way to escape people and a way for me to forget the accident for a little while. But the accident happened. There is no way to forget it. And I limp. I have to face the fact I will never be the same as before.



It's okay. I'm okay. Taking a deep breath, I realize something...



I feel stronger and more alive than I did before the accident.



The door to the bathroom opens. Mrs. Gibbons walks into the bathroom. Her eyebrows go up when she witnesses our little confrontation. "Aren't you all supposed to be in class?"



None of us answer. Kendra is staring at me, Hannah keeps looking from Kendra to me and back to Kendra, Sabrina still has her mouth open in shock, and I'm not revealing anything.



"Okay, then. Let's all take a little trip to Mr. Meyer's office so he can get to the bottom of this."



"Fine with me," I say.



"Me, too," Sabrina says, backing me up. I owe a big apology to her for being such a jerk before the accident. Sometimes you have to steer away from the crowd in order to be a better person. It's not always easy, that's for sure. But it's right. And sometimes doing the right thing feels so good. Even if it does end up in a trip to the principal's office.



Kendra's eyes are still spitting fire. "Whatever."



"Yeah, whatever," Hannah says, doing an embarrassing imitation of her best friend. I almost feel sorry for her.



We all follow Mrs. Gibbons to the front office. Sabrina is looking at me, wide-eyed. "No way! Caleb Becker?" she mouths silently.



It's not Kendra's fault she's beautiful and pretty. It's not even Caleb's fault for being attracted to her. It doesn't even matter.



What matters is that I'm not carrying around feelings of hatred and betrayal. It's been too exhausting. Mrs. Reynolds was right.



I don't hate Kendra.



I don't hate Leah.



I don't hate Caleb.



I'm feeling stronger than I have in ... well, I can't even remember when. All I know is that I feel good. No, better than that. I feel strong.



FORTY-ONE



Caleb



Meyer points to me and jabs his finger into the air with each word as he says, "Okay, Becker. In my office." I follow him into his office, then he closes the door once I'm sitting in the chair opposite his desk. He's pissed off. I can tell by the way his neck muscles twitch and the colors of his face and bald head turn a deep shade of red. He doesn't even sit in his chair. He sits on the edge of his desk right over me. He's trying to be intimidating, to scare me into being a good kid. But he's never roomed with a guy like Julio. And if Julio didn't intimidate me, Meyer doesn't stand a chance.



"Why did you start a fight with Drew Rudolph?"



I can't tell him the truth. If the whole thing comes out, Leah could be dragged into this, too. And Kendra. And Maggie. Leah has been acting creepy. I don't know what she'll end up saying. Will she blurt out the truth, that she was the one who hit Maggie? "I don't know," I say dumbly.



Meyer's anger deflates while frustration takes its place. "What am I going to do with you, Becker? I've had a parent call and say you were responsible for coercing a peer into consuming alcohol. Another complaint was filed by the wrestling coach from Fremont ... something about you bullying one of his top wrestlers. You're on thin ice here, on the fast track to being a delinquent forever. Don't you understand the only person your behavior ultimately hurts is you? Unless you can explain yourself, I have no choice but to give you a suspension."



Suspension? Oh, shit. I would defend myself, but it's no use. The guy wouldn't believe me, anyway. I stay silent.



"You have nothing to say about these accusations?"



"Nope."



"Caleb, have a seat outside while I figure out how to proceed with this."



So now I'm stuck in another metal chair outside Meyer's office. Closed doors and metal chairs are the recurring themes in my life.



I look up when the door to the front office opens.



Maggie walks in the office, just feet from where I'm sitting. Only able to check her out from the side, I study her face. She has high cheekbones and a straight nose. It's not small; it has a little bump in the middle, almost as if God wanted to put it there so her nose wouldn't be perfect. She wouldn't be Maggie without that imperfection. She's not in-your-face pretty like Kendra, but there's something about her ... that mix of insecurity and regal features that don't fit. Every one of her features reflects who she is. Except her scars.



Those I wish I could take away with a touch of my fingers and transfer them to my own body.



Maggie is focused on the counter, reading something intently. Her hair falls like a curtain shielding her face from me. I'm barely aware of Sabrina, Kendra, and Hannah in the room, too. This place is getting crowded.



Mrs. Gibbons, the art teacher, knocks on Meyer's door. She peeks her head inside when he barks for her to enter his sacred domain. "We've had a situation with some of the senior girls."



The girls head single file into his office. Kendra looks defiant, Hannah looks scared, Sabrina looks indifferent, and Maggie is ... she seems resolved to handle whatever comes flying at her.



The girls come out a few minutes later. Maggie doesn't look at me. She files out of the office with the rest of the girls.



Meyer reappears at the door. "Okay, Becker. Your turn."



I go into his office and am directed to yet another chair. This one is padded. I rest my elbows on my knees and think of what Meyer said: I'm on the fast track for being a delinquent forever. Maggie was probably right: if you disappear, then you don't have to always be reminded of the past wherever you turn.



I did my community service, but haven't gotten my final release papers. Damon is seriously going to kill me when he finds out I got in a fight. What the hell is going to happen when I go back to the DOC? I hope Mom and Leah don't go over the edge.



I hear the clicking of shoes and look up. My mother is standing in the doorway of Meyer's office. Her lips are tight. I can sense she has a loose rein on control because I see her wobbling slightly from side to side.



"Ah, Mrs. Becker," Meyer says. "Thanks for coming so quickly."



Mom nods and holds onto the door frame. "So ... should I take him home?"



Meyer walks up to my mom and puts his hand on her shoulder to steady her. "The boy whom Caleb assaulted has not filed any charges as yet, but policy forces me to keep him off school grounds until this is resolved. You'll get a call from me after I've consulted the district superintendent to inform you of the length of Caleb's suspension."



Mom nods, then focuses on me. She looks tired. The deep lines under her eyes and at the corners of her mouth look deeper than I've ever seen them. I put those lines there. Without meaning to, I've broken my mother's spirit.



In the car, I've got nothing to say. And when silent tears start dripping out of her tired eyes, all I want to do is escape. Because I can't tell her anything to make her feel better, I can't fight this snowball of bullshit that has become my life.



I sit in my room until darkness falls, when someone knocks on my door. "Caleb, open up," a familiar transition counselor's voice rings out.



Great, now I get to be reamed out by Damon.



"Let me have it," I say dryly as I let him in.



If you've never seen a black guy's face get red with anger, you've never seen Damon Manning pissed off. "What the hell is going on? I got a call from your principal this afternoon telling me you're suspended for two weeks. You want to go back to the DOC?"



"Sure. You got cuffs ready?" I say, holding my arms out in front of me.



Damon gets in my face, real close. "Listen, punk, I have no problem slapping cuffs on you and hauling your ass back to prison. But I don't think you realize your eighteenth birthday is just around the corner. And you know what kind of eighteenth birthday present you get from the State of Illinois? You get transferred to the big boy jail. That's right, the adult place where the inmates rule, and not one day will go by that you won't be threatened or forced to do shit you've only heard about. I don't want you in there, Caleb, because you'll go in a confused smartass boy and come out a hardened bastard. They'll eat you alive there and nobody can save your ass. You hear me? Now tell me why the hell you've been getting into fights."



I'm so used to pleading guilty, I forget sometimes to tell the truth. I look Damon straight on, no playing around this time. "I was protecting Maggie. Drew insulted her."



Damon takes my desk chair and sits in it. He puts his hand on his forehead and starts rubbing it, kind of like Meyer did this afternoon. "Caleb, what're you doing? She's your victim. You hit her with your car."



"I didn't do it."



"What?" he snaps.



"I said I didn't mean to do it."



Damon takes his hand off his forehead and leans forward. "I don't know what you're trying to pull here, but it's not good. If you can't pretend Maggie doesn't exist, then leave town. She called my boss this morning expressing concern about her safety. She said you've been sexual with her, and now that it's over you've harassed her."



"What?"



Damon looks straight at me. "Maggie Armstrong says she's filing a complaint. Oh, don't look so shocked, Caleb. What did you expect? When you don't follow the rules you pay the consequences. It's simple."



Nothing is that simple. I swallow. My throat feels constricted. Maggie hates me enough to send me back to the DOC?



"I need to know," Damon continues. "Did you have a sexual encounter with her?"



I sit on my bed and rest my head in my hands. Jeez, this cannot be happening. "That depends on what you mean by a sexual encounter."



"Don't fuck with me, Becker."



"I didn't have sex with her."



"Did you harass her?"



I shake my head. "We had a relationship, a mutual relationship. It was no big deal. It's over. Done."



"How did it end?"



"Abruptly."



Damon blows out a breath in frustration, then pulls out a stack of papers from his briefcase. "I got your release papers signed. You finished your community service."



I stare at the papers as if they have angels' wings on them, but my head is still reeling. I thought what Maggie and I shared was ... well, it was a hell of a lot more than I ever had with Kendra. If Maggie hooked up with me just for revenge ... oh, hell.



"You're released, but we have a bit of a problem. You can't go back to school. Caleb?"



"Yeah."



"Everybody isn't against you, you know."



I nod. Right now, I can't agree. I was so pumped to fix everything when I returned home. But all I've been doing is fighting instead of fixing. I'm at a loss here.



After Damon leaves, I head to the kitchen. Mom is leaning against the sink. She's shaking as she takes a bunch of pills and swallows them with a gulp of water.



"Mom, what are you doing?"



"Taking medication for tension and stress."



I snatch the bottle of pills off the counter.



"Give me that back," she orders.



Taking a closer look at the drug's name on the bottle. Diazepam. Valium. "How long have you been taking these?"