Legal Briefs

“Oh God. This is awkward.”

“It’s more than awkward. I’ve never had a woman stay over here before, let alone a nice well-educated Jewish girl from my neighborhood. They’re going to start planning our wedding.”

“Adam, don’t worry,” I answered, trying to sound reassuring. “I can just wait until …”

“Adam, do you have company?” It was another of his sisters, Abby, the one closest to us in age. She sounded both amazed and amused.

“I’ll be right out. I’m running late. Hold on!” He started searching frantically through a closet and pulled out one of his suits. “Quick! Get dressed!” he ordered.

“Adam, just go and …”

“Too late. Abby knows you well enough to recognize your voice and she’s not stupid. I think you’re my date for a Bar Mitzvah.”

I got up quickly and immediately found my clothes. Without even thinking I grabbed my bra, turned my back to him and pulled his T-shirt over my head, thus giving him a clear shot of my ass in my pretty pink silk and lace undies. I wasn’t sure if he was looking, though. I heard a groan. He was looking.

“Mind your own business,” I chided over my shoulder and got my bra hooked, grabbing a stocking and sitting down on a chair to put it on.

“Just tell me when it’s okay to look,” he said, sounding stressed.

“Okay,” I answered and he turned around, giving him a clear shot of me sitting in my bra and panties easing a thigh high stocking up my leg.

“Oh f**k,” he moaned, sounding miserable.

“What are you doing?” I demanded.

“You said okay.” His eyes were fixed on my legs and his appreciation was evident from across the room.

“I was acknowledging your request! Adam, you’ve got a, um, an issue,” I said, glancing down at the impressive bulge in his sweat pants.

“Oh shit, this isn’t happening,” he said, starting to pace.

“Adam, just get dressed and think about baseball or something,” I hissed.

“Adam, honey, it’s getting late.” It was his mom. Apparently, hearing your mom’s voice can work even better than thinking about baseball.

“We’re coming!” he called back.

“Did he say we?” his mom asked someone in a quieter voice.

“I knew he wasn’t alone!” Abby said. “I could swear I heard Lily Adler.” I felt my face turn crimson as I slid my dress over my head.

“Lily? Really?” His mom sounded like someone had just told her that she had won the Powerball drawing. I saw Adam roll his eyes.

“You have to admit, there is something kind of humorous about this,” I said, sliding on my heels while Adam tied his tie in the mirror.

“Yeah, for the first time in my life, I’m getting caught by my sisters and I didn’t even get laid. That’s just f**king hilarious. Where do you want to go on our honeymoon by the way?”

He gave his suit jacket a final tug and finger combed his hair. I grabbed my purse and ran over to the mirror beside him and quickly dug out some lipstick.

“I just have to throw some make-up on.”

“We don’t have time for that.”

“I’m an expert. Watch.” He stood there and watched with fascination as I managed to apply my make-up in three minutes flat.

“That was amazing. I will point out, though, that you look hot even without make-up.” I paused and looked at him, feeling inordinately pleased.

“Thank you,” I said and smiled. He smiled back and we shared a quick moment.

“We had better go.”

Adam threw open the door and I tried to not look like I was doing the walk of shame through his living room. He strode out of his bedroom like nothing was amiss and I followed apprehensively in his wake with a friendly smile fixed on my face.

“Mom, Dad, Hannah, Sarah, Abby, you remember Lily Adler.”

“Hi, how are you all?” I asked, trying to sound casually upbeat. The Roth family looked at me like they were witnessing a miracle. Maybe they were.

“You’re in Adam’s apartment. Where he lives,” Sarah began, looking dumbfounded.

“Oh my God, Adam’s having an adult relationship with a woman,” Hannah added.

“Didn’t the two of you used to fight all the time?” Abby asked with a look of delighted confusion. “Don’t you remember? They used to fight all the time. That’s so cute!”

“We’re going to be late,” Adam said, ignoring his sisters. Suddenly, his mother seemed to recover from a state of shock.

“David, it’s Lily Adler!” she said urgently to Adam’s father. “From our neighborhood. From our synagogue. Lily is here in Adam’s apartment and he’s taking her to the Bar Mitzvah.”

“I see that, Deb,” Adam’s dad answered and put his arm around his wife – possibly to hold her up. He seemed to take all of this in stride. Dave Roth was a very easy-going guy.

“I remember the ‘caution, oversized ego’ sign you put on Adam’s back that one time.” Abby laughed. “That was so funny.”

“Yeah, that was hilarious,” Adam said, grabbing our coats out of the closet.

“I’m so happy to see you, Lily,” Mrs. Roth said, looking like she was on the verge of tears.

“It’s nice to see you too, Mrs. Roth.” I wasn’t sure what else to say.

“I think Mom’s going to be working the room with this news,” Sarah said with a smile.

“I think she’ll just have the rabbi make a formal announcement,” Hannah added. “A reception sponsored by the family will be taking place back at the Sheraton and Debra Roth would like everyone to know that her son is dating a nice Jewish lawyer.”

“Okay, who’s driving us?” Adam asked.

Chapter Ten

The Bar Mitzvah was, well, a Bar Mitzvah. In other words, we spent our time listening to a thirteen-year-old talk about ‘being a man’ just before thanking every person he had ever met. Then we went to a party, ate rubbery chicken and talked to strangers who Adam might possibly have been related to. After lunch we watched paid dancers in ugly leotards boogieing down with middle-aged Jews to the entire catalogue of The Village People and a fake Spanish version of the Macarena. Then we drove home. Just like every Bar Mitzvah.

“At least your parents didn’t try to book the rabbi for our wedding.”

“That we know of. Don’t accept any invitations from my mother without getting all the details upfront. I noticed that she managed to get your cell number.”