Locke

I don’t give her a second to respond. I climb slowly from the couch and toss my iPad down in the seat.  “You can stay with me until you get on your feet again.  We’ll leave in the morning.”

I walk out of the room and spend the rest of the evening in a nice rage-filled self-loathing pity party.  When I’m finally able to drift off to sleep, I’m awoken what feels like minutes later covered in sweat, my throat raw from my screams.

I had the nightmare again that I was back in my past.  Only this time when I sat in the hospital bed and listened to my mother lay into me, it was Emmy.  My sweet Emmy was there, telling me how she will never forgive me for ruining her life.

Chapter 15—Emmy

We’ve been home for a few weeks now.  At first, I wouldn’t leave the apartment.  Even though I had come to terms with the memories of being home and not seeing one of my best friends, it didn’t mean that I was necessarily ready to move on.  I missed him.  However, it was getting easier to deal with each day.

One of the hardest parts of being back was my strained relationship with Maddox.  We’ve hardly spoken to each other since that last day at the cabin.  Chipped responses here and there and notes on the counter telling me that he wouldn’t be home filled up the first week.  I heard from one of the girls that he had been sleeping at the office while they finished up their dealings with Dominic Murphy.  Things haven’t been any easier since that.

Right when they let their guard down, Chelcie was put in harm’s way again.  I don’t remember much from my standoff with Sarah Jane.  It’s almost as if I had been having an out-of-body experience.  I can see the events of that day playing out, but I can’t tell you how I knew what to do.  Izzy told me that she thinks it was Coop who’d made sure they were safe.  I hadn’t planned on going to see Chelcie that day.  I had planned on apartment hunting, but it was almost as if I’d had to give her her gift right that second.  The rest was either just damn good luck or maybe Izzy is onto something.

I like to think that maybe it was a little of Coop watching out for us and making sure that his son was okay.

The night after the showdown with Sarah Jane was the worst.  When the adrenaline crashed and I realized that I had actually shot another human, things were not pretty.  I went from jazzed beyond belief to a sobbing mess curled into a ball in the shower.

Maddox blamed himself for having taught me how to use a gun and then again for having made it readily available.  We fought and it ended in another rough crashing together of our bodies.  This time, though, I was the one to get up from the floor and leave him with an “I’m sorry.”  It isn’t right.  We keep coming together for a reason, but I’ve started to realize that I might never get to beat through his beliefs.  I can’t think of a way to make him believe in us.  His mind keeps telling him no, to stay away and keep me out.  But his heart—God, his beautiful heart—keeps calling out to me, and like a glutton for punishment, I keep going back for more.

I can’t even explain where my mind is right now.  I’m mad—that’s a given—but I’ve also started to lose my faith.  I’ve lost the way to my happiness and I’m not really sure how to get it back.  I’m stuck in a rut, and honestly, I’m thinking it would be better if I just throw in the towel and leave.  Not run, but go somewhere else and get my head on right.  Somewhere where he isn’t.  I can’t keep fighting for someone who refuses to consider my love for him.  It’s like beating a horse when he’s already down.  Every time he rejects me and my heart shatters more, I just know I won’t recover from the pain if I stick around.

Tonight, we need to actually be social and not kill each other, so I told him that I am leaving.  We fought all day today, and this time, it didn’t even end in a rough coupling.  This time when I screamed in his face that I hated him, I almost believed it—and I could tell by the look that flashed across his face that he did too.  And that terrified me.

It was the first time he didn’t demand I ‘give him the words.’

So now here we are, on the way to Asher and Chelcie’s house for ‘family dinner’ and my resentment towards everyone around me is getting out of control.  Hell, I have no business being out in public with the thoughts I keep thinking.  I want to take Maddox by the neck and shake some sense into his thick scull.

I put a brave face on for Chelcie.  I smile and keep the act up like my world isn’t crashing down around me, but every time my eyes lock with Maddox’s, I’m reminded that he is the reason I’m feeling this pain.  The fact that he keeps pushing me away is why I’ve turned into a head case.

Then, as if things couldn’t get worse, I have the misfortune of overhearing their conversation and my mood goes from bad to toxic.

Chelcie has just finished telling him how she was dealing with everything after Sarah Jane.  I watch her place her arm on his cheek and he doesn’t pull away.  I should feel bad about eavesdropping, but the fact that he isn’t pulling away from her is mind-blowing enough for me.

He’s let her in.

He’s let in someone I know he feels nothing romantic for, yet he keeps pushing me away.

“One day, Maddox Locke, when you decide to let go of that pain inside you, you’re going to understand what I mean.  You have so much love to give in you.”  Chelcie’s words hurt.  She’s right—I know that because I’ve seen that love he has the capability of—but it still doesn’t make it feel any better knowing that it probably is not meant to be with us.

I can’t see his face, but I watch Chelcie’s eyes widen in shock.  Oh I know what she saw—the truth.  She saw his pain clear as day.  The pain he keeps away from everyone, choosing to suffer alone and not let anyone close enough to help.

“Yeah, sweetheart.  Maybe you’re right.”

His words are my undoing.  He really doesn’t want me.  Hell, maybe he does believe that he can love someone now—now that he’s gotten better about being so untouchable.  But… he clearly doesn’t feel like I’m worth that risk.  I’m standing right here, begging him to let me take on his pain, yet it isn’t enough.

With my eyes filling with tears, I watch as he walks right past me.  He doesn’t even look in my direction.  I’m completely invisible.