Losing Hope

It’s not Grayson.



Breckin is facing me and he doesn’t look very pleased about it.



“Hey,” I say.



“I need to talk to you,” he says. I know he wants to talk about Sky and I really don’t want to talk about Sky. Not to Breckin, not to Daniel, not even to Sky. No one understands anything about anything and frankly, it’s nobody’s business.



“Sorry, Breckin. I’m not really in the mood to talk about her.”



Breckin takes a quick step forward and I take a quick step back because I wasn’t expecting him to rush me like he just did. My back is against the locker and Daniel is laughing. Probably because Breckin is a good fifty pounds lighter than I am and several inches shorter and he’s probably wondering why the hell I haven’t laid Breckin on his ass yet. But that doesn’t stop Breckin from moving in even closer and shoving his finger hard against my chest.



“I don’t really give a shit what kind of mood you’re in, because I’m in a pretty shitty mood myself, Holder. You aren’t the one having to pick up all the shattered pieces of Sky this week. I don’t know what the hell happened in the cafeteria Monday, but it was enough to show me that I don’t like you. I don’t like you one goddamn bit and I have no idea what Sky sees in you . . . because what you did to her? How you led her on for days and then just walked away like she was a waste of your time?” Breckin shakes his head, still fuming. He drops his eyes down to my arm. Down to the tattoo. “I feel sorry for you,” he sighs. He inhales a calming breath and slowly looks back up at me. “I feel sorry for you, because people like her don’t come along more than once. She deserves someone who realizes that. Someone who appreciates her. Someone who would never just . . .” he shakes his head, looking at me disappointedly. “Someone who would never crush her hope and then just walk away.”



Breckin backs up a step when he’s finished and Daniel gives me the look. The look that indicates he’s ready to start one of his fights. Before I even have the chance to tell Daniel to refrain, he begins to lunge forward toward Breckin. I quickly step in between them and shove Daniel against the locker with my arm, keeping it pressed against his chest. “Don’t,” I say, holding Daniel back.



“Let him hit me,” Breckin says loudly from behind me. “Or better yet, why don’t you just do it, Holder? You proved to Sky on Monday what a badass you are. Have at it!”



I release Daniel and turn around to face Breckin. The last thing I want to do is hit him. Why would I hit him when everything he just said to me was the absolute truth? He’s pissed at me because of how I treated Sky. He’s pissed and he’s protecting her and I have no idea how to tell him how much it means to me to know she has him.



I turn around and open my locker, then grab my backpack and car keys. Daniel is watching me closely, wondering why I’m not kicking Breckin’s ass right now. I face Breckin again and he’s eyeing me with just as much confusion as Daniel. I begin to walk away, but pause when I’m shoulder to shoulder with Breckin. “I’m glad she has you, Breckin.”



He doesn’t respond. I pull my backpack onto my shoulder and walk away.



Chapter Twenty-nine-and-a-half



Les,



I haven’t spoken to her in two weeks. I’m still going to school, though, because I can’t imagine the thought of not being able to see her every day. But I just watch her from a distance. I hate that she seems sad now.



I was hoping that my actions in the cafeteria last Monday would have left her pissed off, if even a little bit. But when I decided it was better not to allow myself back into her life, I was hoping her anger would help her get over me faster. But she doesn’t seem angry. She just seems heartbroken and that crushes me.



I made a list over the weekend of the pros and cons of telling her the truth about who she is. I’ll share it with you so you’ll understand my decision better, because I know it doesn’t make sense.



Pros to telling Sky the truth:



 * Her family deserves to know what happened to her and that she’s okay.



 * She deserves to know what happened.



Cons to telling Sky the truth:



 * The truth would ruin the life she has now.



 * She never seemed happy to me when we were little, but she seems happy now. Forcing her back into a life she doesn’t even remember doesn’t seem like the right thing to do.



 * If she found out I knew all along who she was, she would never forgive me for keeping it from her.



 * I know she thinks her birthday is next week, but she still has months to go before she actually turns eighteen. If she finds out right now, the decision about what happens to her will be made for her by her father and the state. When she finds out the truth, I want her to be old enough to make her own decisions about what happens to her life.



As much as I don’t want to believe Karen did this, what if she did? If the truth came out, Karen would be punished. And that probably should be listed in pros, but I just don’t think her going to prison would in any way be a pro for Sky.



So you can see the cons won, which is why I’ve decided not to tell her the truth. Not yet, anyway. After I decided I wasn’t going to tell her what happened to her as a child, I also thought about whether it was a good idea to at least try and apologize for what happened at lunch that day. I thought that somehow I could still keep the secret until she’s out of high school and in the meantime, we could be together. I want to be with her again more than anything, but there are so many reasons why I shouldn’t be.



Pros to being with Sky



 * I fucking miss her. I miss her rude comments, her laughter, her smile, her scowl, her cookies, her brownies, her kiss. (Even though I never really had that one. I know I’d miss it if I did.)



 * She wouldn’t be as heartbroken if I would just apologize. We could go back to whatever it was that we were doing and I could pretend she wasn’t Hope. It would be cruel, but at least she’d be happy.



Cons to being with Sky



 * Being around her could trigger her memory. I’m not sure that I’m ready for her to remember me yet.



 * Once she finds out the truth, she’ll hate me for deceiving her. At least if I’m not with her, she’ll be able to respect the fact that I didn’t lie to her while I was allowing her to fall in love with me.



 * If I spend any time with her, I know I’ll slip up. I’ll call her Hope or I’ll say something about when we were kids or I’ll talk too much about you and that could spark a memory.



 * How could I ever introduce her to Mom? I’m pretty sure with as much time as Hope spent at our house, Mom would immediately recognize her.



 * I’ll do something to fuck it all up again. That’s the only thing I seem to be consistent at in this life. Fucking things up for you and Hope.



 * If I walk out of her life completely, she can go on living the contented life she’s been living for the past thirteen years.



 * If I stay, I’ll inevitably have to tell her the truth. And no matter how much she probably needs to hear the truth; it’ll turn her world upside down. I can’t watch that, Les. I just can’t.



So there you have it in big, bold ink. I’m not telling her the truth and I’m not letting her forgive me. She’s better off without me. She’s better off keeping the past in the past and keeping me at a distance.



Chapter Thirty



I grab the sack from the floorboard and walk to the front door, then ring the doorbell. I don’t know if this is a good idea. In fact, I know it’s not a good idea. But for whatever reason I trust him to do this for me.



The front door opens and a woman, more than likely his mother, is standing in the doorway.



“Is Breckin here?” I ask her.



She starts at the top of my head, then slowly scrolls down my entire body, stopping at my shoes. It’s not the kind of scroll a guy gets from a woman who’s checking him out. It’s a scroll of disapproval. “Breckin isn’t expecting company,” she says coldly.



Okay. I didn’t anticipate this obstacle.



“It’s okay, Mom,” I hear Breckin say as he opens the door further. “He’s not here for my gay parts.”



Breckin’s mother scoffs, then rolls her eyes and walks away while I’m trying to hold back my laughter. Breckin is now standing in her place, scrolling over me disapprovingly just like she did. “What do you want?”



I shift my feet, feeling a little uncomfortable at how unwelcome I am at this house. “I want a couple of things,” I say. “I’m here to apologize, for one. But I’m also here to ask you for a favor.”



Breckin arches an eyebrow. “I told my mother you weren’t here for my gay parts, Holder. So go ahead and apologize, but I’m not doing you any favors.”



I laugh. I love that he can be so pissed, yet make fun of himself at the same time. That’s such a Les thing to do. “Can I come in?” I ask. I feel pretty damn awkward on the porch right now and I don’t really want to have this conversation standing in a doorway. Breckin steps back and opens the door farther.



“That better be an apology gift,” he says, indicating the sack in my hand. He doesn’t look back or invite me to follow him as he makes his way toward the hallway, so I shut the front door and glance around, then follow him. He opens the door to his bedroom and I walk in behind him. He points to a chair. “Sit there,” he says firmly. He walks to his bed and takes a seat on the edge of it, facing me. I slowly take a seat in the chair and he rests his elbows on his knees and clasps his hands in front of him, looking me straight in the eyes. “I take it you’ll be apologizing to Sky next? After you leave here? Because she’s the one you really need to be apologizing to.”



I set the sack down at my feet and lean back in the chair. “You’re really protective of her, aren’t you?”



Breckin shrugs indifferently. “Well, with all the assholes treating her like shit, someone has to watch out for her.”



I purse my lips into a tight line and nod, but don’t say anything right away. He stares at me for a while, more than likely attempting to figure out the motive behind my being here. I blow out a quick breath, then begin with what I came here to say.



“Listen, Breckin. I’m probably not going to make a whole lot of sense, but hear me out, okay?”



Breckin straightens up at the same time he rolls his eyes. “Please tell me you’re about to explain what the hell happened in that cafeteria. We’ve tried to analyze your behavior no less than a dozen times, but you don’t make any sense.”



I shake my head. “I can’t tell you what happened, Breckin. I can’t. All I can tell you is that Sky means more to me than you could ever comprehend. I screwed up and it’s too late to go back and make it right with her. I don’t want her forgiveness because I don’t deserve it. You and I both know she’s better off without me. But I needed to come here and apologize to you because I know just from watching you how much you care about her. It kills me that I hurt her but I know that my hurting her indirectly hurt you, too. So, I’m sorry.”