Losing Hope

Chapter Thirty-five



The phone rings and before I can even say hello, Daniel starts talking. “Do you and cheese tits want to come over and watch a movie with me and Val tonight?”



“I thought you broke up with Val.”



“Not today,” Daniel says.



“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” I’ve heard enough about Val to know that I’m not sure I feel comfortable taking Sky over there. We’ve only been dating two weeks.



“It is a good idea,” Daniel argues. “My parents leave at eight. Be here at eight-oh-one.”



He hangs up abruptly, so I text Sky.



Want to watch a movie with Daniel and Val tonight?



I hit send and toss my phone on the bed. I walk to my closet to inspect my shirt selection, but then I remember that I don’t really have much of a shirt selection. I grab a random T-shirt and am pulling it on over my head when Sky’s text sounds off.



Two conditions. (Per Karen.) I have to be home by midnight and you can’t get me pregnant.



I laugh and text her back.



Considering how boring you are, I’m pretty sure you’ll be home in less than an hour.



Does that mean you’re still gonna try to get me pregnant, though?



Damn straight.



Laugh out loud.



She actually typed laugh out loud.



I really do lol, then I put my phone in my pocket and head to my car.



I’ve never really had a conversation with Val before and tonight is no exception. Sky and I are on the couch in front of the TV in Daniel’s basement. Daniel and Val are in the chair and they’re completely mauling each other, making me question why Daniel would even want us here in the first place if this is all they’re gonna do.



Sky and I are watching them uncomfortably. It’s hard to pay attention to the TV when there’s actual slurping occurring.



The second Daniel’s hand begins to slip up Val’s shirt, I toss the remote at them, hitting Daniel in the knee. He jumps and lifts his hand to flip me off, but never breaks contact with Val’s mouth. He does somehow glance at me, though, and I silently tell him to get the hell out of his basement, or get the hell out of her shirt.



He stands up and Val is now wrapped around him. They say nothing as he carries her up the stairs and to his bedroom.



“Thank you,” Sky says, breathing a sigh of relief. “I was about to hurl.”



She’s curled up beside me on the couch with her head resting on my shoulder. I ease myself down into the couch so that we’re more comfortable, and we both look back at the TV. But I know we aren’t really paying attention to it because the energy in the room completely shifted the second Daniel and Val left. We haven’t had privacy like this since we officially started dating two weeks ago.



Her hand is in mine and they’re clasped together, resting on her thigh. She’s not wearing the dress that completely melted me the first time I saw her in it, but she is wearing a dress. And I love this dress just as much as the other dress.



I wish she were wearing jeans, though. I overheard Les talking with one of her friends once when we were sixteen. They were about to go on a double date and the friend was explaining to Les the rules of “make-out” clothes. She said if Les just wanted to kiss the guy, she needed to wear jeans because the guy would be less likely to slip his hand where he shouldn’t. Then she told Les if she planned to move past first base, that a skirt or a dress was the way to go. Easy access, she said. I remember waiting in the living room after hearing that conversation to see which outfit Les chose. She walked down the stairs in a skirt and I marched her right back up to her room and forced her to change into a pair of jeans.



I wish Sky were wearing jeans right now because my hands are starting to sweat and I know she can feel my pulse through the palm of my hand. Her dress makes me think she wants to take things a step further tonight and I absolutely can’t get that out of my head. I sure as hell want to take the next step, but what if Sky doesn’t know the rules to “make-out” clothes? What if she’s wearing this dress just for the hell of it? What if she’s just wearing this dress because her washing machine broke and all her jeans were dirty? What if she’s wearing this dress because she didn’t have time to change into jeans before I showed up at her house? What if she’s wearing this dress because she went to some sort of random church today that has service on Saturdays?



I wish I knew what was going through her head right now. I rest my head against the back of the couch and swallow the huge lump in my throat before I speak. “I like your dress,” I say. It comes out in more of a raspy whisper because my throat is so weak right now just thinking about her. But I think she liked the way I said it, because she tilts her head and looks up at me, then slowly drops her eyes to my mouth. Thanks to the angle we’re sitting, we wouldn’t even have to shift positions to kiss. Her mouth is so incredibly close, it’s practically on top of mine. But neither of us is taking advantage of that. Yet.



“Thank you,” she whispers. The sweet breath from her words crashes against my mouth, warming me from the inside out.



The tension is so thick now, I can’t even inhale.



“You’re welcome,” I whisper back, staring at her mouth the same way she’s staring at mine. We’re both quiet for a moment, just silently staring. She slides her lips together and moistens them and I’m pretty sure I mutter “holy shit” under my breath.



She likes that she just got me all flustered because she grins. “Wanna make out?” she whispers.



Oh, hell yes.



My lips are on hers before the sentence is even completely out of her mouth. I lower my hands to her waist and pull her until she’s straddling me.



Straddling me in. Her. Dress.



I keep my hands locked tight on her hips while her hands slowly make their way up my neck and into my hair. The way her chest is pressed against mine makes my head spin, and it feels like the only thing that could set it straight again is if I pull her even closer and kiss her even harder. So that’s what I do. I slide my hands away from her hips and reach behind her and pull her closer, pressing her into me so perfectly that she moans and tugs on my hair. I keep one hand on her ass, letting it flow with the rhythm of her movements while my other hand slides up her back and into her hair. I pull her mouth deeper into mine while I straighten my posture and lean forward so that my back is no longer touching the couch and my mouth is as meshed with hers as it’s gonna get. Only that just makes my head spin even worse, so we’re kissing faster now and she’s moaning louder and I’m gripping her hips again and moving her against me so perfectly that I’m pretty sure she’s about to have a repeat of what I did to her the first night we made out.



I don’t want that yet because she’s wearing this dress and it’s absolutely amazing and I’m not even taking advantage of it. I grip her shoulders and push her away from me, letting myself fall back against the couch.



We’re both gasping for breath. We’re both smiling. We’re both looking at each other like this is the best night ever because it’s only ten o’clock and we’ve got a good two hours left of this. I release her shoulders and take her face in my hands, then slowly pull her back to my mouth. I change the position of my hands to support her weight and I stand up, then lower her onto the couch. I join her, pressing one knee between her legs and the other on the couch beside her.



I’m starting to get the impression that Daniel picked out this oversized couch in the same way that girls pick out their make-out clothes. Because it’s the perfect couch for this sort of thing.



I begin to kiss down her chin, down her neck and down to the area where her dress stops and her cleavage begins. I slowly glide my hand over her dress and up the length of her body until I reach her breast. I stroke my hand over the material and she hardens beneath my fingertips.



Ohmygod I fucking love tonight.



I groan and grab her breast a little harder and she moans, arching her back, pressing more of herself against my hand. I claim her mouth with mine and continue kissing her until we have to break for air again. I press my cheek against hers.



My lips are right next to her ear.



“Sky?” I whisper.



She inhales a quick breath. “Yeah?”



I inhale a slow one. “I live you.”



She exhales. “I live you, Dean Holder.”



I exhale.



And inhale.



And exhale.



I repeat that sentence silently in my head. I live you, Dean Holder.



It’s the first time I’ve heard her say Dean.



It’s also the first time I’ve ever had my heart impaled by a word before.



I lift away from her cheek and look down at her. “Thank you.”



She smiles. “For what?”



For being alive, I think to myself.



“For being you,” I say out loud.



Her smile fades and I swear she looks right through my eyes and straight into my soul. “I’m good at being me,” she says. “Especially when I’m with you.”



I stare at her for several seconds, then I have to lower my cheek to hers again. I want to kiss her, but I keep my cheek pressed firmly against hers because I don’t want her to see the tears in my eyes.



I don’t want her to see how much it hurts to know she can be this close to me . . . and somehow not remember me.



Chapter Thirty-five-and-a-half



Dear all dead people who aren’t Les, since I’m not writing letters to Les anymore,



I’ve loved Hope since we were kids.



But tonight?



Tonight I fell in love with Sky.



Chapter Thirty-six



Les,



I know I said I wasn’t writing to you anymore. Shut up. I’m still not writing in that notebook because I don’t want to touch it, knowing that letter from you is in there. I can’t read it, so I just bought a new notebook. Problem solved. Now I need to catch you up.



I’ve been dating Sky for a month now. She still hasn’t had any recollection of me or you or all of us as kids. I keep catching myself almost slipping up, but luckily I haven’t.



Remember that guy I got arrested for beating up last year? The one who was talking shit about you? Well, his brother finally said something to me today. I’ve been waiting for him . . . or anyone, really . . . to bring it up since the day I got back to school. It would have been fine had he just confronted me, but he didn’t. He had to use Sky and Breckin and even you as a way to get back at me. He started talking shit about them to me at lunch and I swear to God, Les. I wanted to hurt him just as badly as I hurt his brother. Actually, I probably would have hurt him worse than I hurt his brother had Sky not been there.



She saw where my mind was going and she immediately pulled me out of the situation, forcing me out of the lunchroom. When we made it to my car in the parking lot I just completely broke down on her. It was like the entire past year of my life was repeatedly punching me in the gut and I just had to get it out. I told Sky everything I was feeling and for the first time since it happened . . . I admitted to myself and out loud that I was the one in the wrong. And I also admitted for the first time that you were in the wrong. I told Sky how pissed I was at you. How angry I’ve been since the second I walked in and found you lifeless in your bed. I’ve been so mad at you, Les, for so many things.