Losing Hope

They tried to not let the stress affect their marriage, but it eventually ended up being too much. I remember the day they told us they were divorcing and selling the house, and that Mom was moving us here to be closer to her family. I’ll never forget it because, aside from Hope being taken, it was the worst day of my life.



But it seemed like your best.



You were so excited to move. Why, Les? I wish I had thought to ask you while you were alive. I want to know what it was you hated about living there so much, because I really don’t want to go back to Austin. I don’t want to have to leave Mom. I don’t want to have to stay with Dad and pretend that I’m okay with him giving up on his family all those years ago. I don’t want to go back to a town where every time I turn a corner, I’m looking for Hope.



I miss you so damn much, Les, but it’s different from the way I miss Hope. With you, I know it’s not a possibility that I’ll ever see you again. I know you’re gone and you’re not suffering anymore. But I don’t have that sense of closure with Hope. Because I don’t know that she’s not suffering anymore. I don’t know if she’s dead or alive. My mind does this awful thing where it imagines the worst possible scenarios for her, and I hate it.



What are the chances that the only two girls in my life I’ve ever loved . . . I’ve lost? It’s killing me piece by piece every single day. I know I should probably find a way to try to get over it . . . to let go of the blame. But to be honest, I don’t want to get over it. I don’t want to forget that my inability to protect either of you is why I’m the only one of us left. I deserve to be reminded every second that I’m alive that I let both of you down, so that I can be conscious not to let myself ever do this again to anyone else.



Yeah, I definitely need a reminder. Maybe I should get a tattoo.



Chapter Five-and-a-half



Les,



What a year. I almost forgot about this notebook. Must have left it behind in my haste to pack last September. It was still sitting on my dresser, and judging by the layer of dust on it, I’m guessing Mom hasn’t been snooping in it. If Mom reacted to my moving in with Dad for the past year in the same way she reacted to your death, I’m sure she hasn’t set foot in my bedroom since the day I left. It seems easier for her to just close the doors and not think about the stillness of the rooms behind them.



I’m pretty sure the plan was for me to stay in Austin until I graduated, but I thwarted that plan with my magical ability to turn eighteen. Dad couldn’t really hold me there against my will anymore. And speaking of turning eighteen . . . it was weird not having to share a birthday with you. But it was nice because Dad bought me a new car. I’m pretty sure if you were alive he would have made us share the car, but you aren’t alive so I get to keep it all to myself. And he didn’t make me leave it in Austin when I came back home a few days ago, so that’s a plus.



I missed Mom, which is the primary reason I came back. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve missed Daniel. In fact, I’m about to leave with him in a few minutes. Got to go catch up with the old crowd. It’s Saturday night, so I’m sure we’ll find somewhere for me to show up and give people something else to talk about.



Daniel says there have been some pretty far-out rumors related to where I’ve been for the past year. He said he didn’t waste time dispelling any of them. He’s the only one who knows where I really took off to, so I appreciate that he didn’t feel the need to set anyone straight. I think he likes the fact that he’s the only one who knows the truth.



One more tiny thing could be responsible for my coming back. My huge fight with Dad. Remind me to tell you all about it later.



Oh, wait. I guess you can’t remind me. Fine, I’ll remind myself.



Holder, don’t forget to tell Les about your fight with Dad.



Chapter Six



I can’t believe he talked me into any form of social gathering my first week back. I swore I wouldn’t be around these people again, but it has been a whole year. I’ve had a while to adjust, so maybe they have, too.



I walk up to the unfamiliar house a few feet ahead of Daniel, but stop just short of passing through the front door. Of all the people from school I haven’t seen for the past year, the last person I expect to run into is Grayson. But of course the last thing I expect is always the first to happen.



I haven’t seen him since the night before Les died, when I left him bleeding on the living room floor of his best friend’s house. He’s walking out as I’m walking in and for a few seconds, we’re face to face, staring each other down. I haven’t really thought about him much since I left, but seeing him now brings every ounce of hatred I had for him right back to the surface like it never even left.



I can tell by the look in his eyes that he has absolutely no idea what to say to me. I’m blocking his exit and he’s blocking my entrance and neither of us seems to want to be the one to step aside. Both of my hands are clenched into defensive fists, preparing for whatever he has to say. He could yell at me, he could spit at me, he could even apologize to me. Whatever words come out of his mouth, it won’t matter. The urge I’m having right now isn’t to listen to him speak; it’s to shut him up.



Daniel walks in shortly after me and notices the silent standoff occurring between us. He slips around me, then stands facing me, blocking my view of Grayson. He slaps my cheeks with both hands until my eyes meet his. “No time for jerk-offs!” He yells over the music. “We have beer that needs consuming!” He grabs my shoulders, still blocking my view from Grayson, and pulls me to the right. I continue to resist, not wanting to be the first to back down from our visual standoff.



Jaxon walks up and places his hand on Grayson’s arm, pulling him in the opposite direction. “Let’s go see what Six and Sky are up to!” he yells to him.



Grayson nods, watching me sternly as he backs away. “Yeah,” he answers Jaxon. “This party just got lame.”



If this were last year, he’d be on the floor with my knee resting comfortably on his throat. But this isn’t last year, and his throat isn’t worth it. I simply smile at him while I continue to allow Daniel to pull me away and toward the kitchen. Once Jaxon and Grayson have exited the front door, I release a pent-up breath. I’m relieved at their decision to leave the party in search of whatever girls are pathetic enough to entertain them.



I grimace with that last thought, knowing I inadvertently lumped Les into that category of girls. But fortunately, I don’t have to worry about the chicks Grayson hooks up with anymore. Les isn’t here to be deceived by him, so as far as I’m concerned, Grayson can hook up with whoever is desperate enough to have him.



“Press mouth to rim, tilt head back, down your shot, and get happy,” Daniel says, handing me a shot of something. I don’t ask what it is, I just do what he says and down it.



One more shot, two beers, and half an hour later, Daniel and I have made our way into the living room. I’m on the couch with my feet propped up on the coffee table and Daniel is next to me, running through the list of people we’re friends with and telling me all about what they’ve been up to for the past year. I forgot how talkative alcohol makes him and I’m finding it hard to keep up. I bring my fingers to the bridge of my nose, squeezing the headache away. I don’t really know anyone at this party. Daniel says most of them are friends of the kid who lives here, but I don’t even know who lives here. I ask Daniel why we’re even here if he doesn’t know anyone and the question miraculously shuts him up. He looks past me into the kitchen and nods in that direction. “Her,” he says.



I look behind me at a couple of girls leaning against the bar. One of them is staring straight at Daniel, stirring her drink flirtatiously.



“If she’s the reason we’re here, why aren’t you over there?”



Daniel turns around and faces forward, folding his arms across his chest. “No fucking way, man. We haven’t talked since we broke up two weeks ago. If she wants to apologize to me she can walk her pretty little ass over here.”



I glance back at the girl again and notice that maybe she’s not looking at him flirtatiously like I first thought. Because flirtatious grins and evil grins are divided by a very faint line and I’m not sure which side of the line she’s standing on, now that I’m witnessing her glare.



“How long did you date her?”



“A few months. Long enough to find out she’s fucking crazy,” he says with a huge roll of his eyes. “And long enough to realize that the reason why I love her is because she’s fucking crazy.” He sees me staring at her and he narrows his eyes. “Stop looking at her, man. She’ll know we’re talking about her.”



I laugh and look away, but not fast enough to avoid witnessing the duo making their way back through the front door. Grayson is following behind Jaxon and they’re both headed toward the kitchen. I rest my head into the couch and wish I had downed a few more shots. I really don’t want to be preoccupied with him for the rest of the night.



Daniel begins talking incessantly again. I tune him out after he tells me about his new tires for the second time tonight, and I’m doing a pretty good job of staying inside my own head until Jaxon and Grayson move closer to the living room. They have no idea I’m seated on the couch and I’d really like to keep it that way. Now if Daniel would just shut up long enough for me to tell him I’m ready to leave.



“I’m so fucking sick of it,” I overhear Grayson saying. “Every Saturday night it’s the same thing. I swear to God if she doesn’t give it up next weekend I’m done.”



Jaxon laughs. “I’m pretty sure all Sky needs is a good dose of rejection. Girls like rejection.”



I’m not sure who Sky is, but I like that she’s refusing to give it up to Grayson. Smart girl.



“I doubt that would work with her,” Grayson says, laughing. “She’s pretty damn stubborn.”



“Yeah she is,” Jaxon agrees. “You would think with everything we’ve heard about her that she’d be a little less difficult. That girl has got to be the sluttiest virgin I’ve ever met.”



Grayson laughs at Jaxon’s comment, and I have to try extra hard in my attempt to tune them out. Hearing the way they’re talking about this girl infuriates me, because I know Grayson more than likely talked about Les this same way when he dated her.



Grayson continues talking shit about her, and the more I sit here and listen to it, the more I have to hear that pathetic laugh come out of his mouth. All it makes me want to do is shut him up.



I pull my feet off the couch and begin to turn around in order to tell them to fuck off, but Daniel puts a hand on my shoulder and shakes his head. “Allow me,” he says with a mischievous grin. He pulls his legs up onto the couch and spins around, facing Grayson and Jaxon.



“Excuse me,” he says, holding his hand up in the air like he’s in class. He’s always so animated, even when he knows he’s about to get his ass kicked. I may be able to hold my own against Grayson, but Daniel knows he can’t, yet that doesn’t seem to stop him.