Love and Lists

I need to talk to my dad. This is really sad that I’m a grown man and need my dad, but I do. Fucking Tyler and his ‘shroom chocolates. If I call my dad now, he’ll probably just tell me to eat the butter because the cornflakes are watching.

“Can you hold that thought for a minute? I just realized I forgot to send an email out for work. It’s really important,” I add when I see the disappointed look on her face.

“Fine, but hurry up. I’m feeling a little buzzed and I want to talk.”

Standing up and walking backwards toward the doorway, I watch as she pulls her legs out from underneath her and leans forward to grab her beer bottle. The front of her shirt falls open and I have a perfect view of her red, lace-covered br**sts.

Sweet Jesus. What was I doing? What day is it? Did I eat a ‘shroom chocolate by mistake?

“Stop staring at my boobs and hurry up,” she tells me with a smirk.

I flinch and look up into her eyes, a little shocked that she hasn’t made any attempt to lean back so I can’t see down her shirt anymore. It’s like she WANTS me to keep staring at her boobs. I feel like it’s my civic duty to continue staring at her boobs. Even they want me to keep staring, the way they’re all pushed up in her bra and looking so amazing without even trying. I think one just winked at me. Do boobs wink? Does beer contain eleventy-seven thousand percent alcohol by volume now?

Remembering my purpose for suddenly getting up from my spot next to her, I start backing up again, my eyes never leaving her winking boobs.

Eventually, I have to pull my gaze away as I round the corner of the living room and into the kitchen. Turning around, I race across the room and wedge myself between the fridge and the cupboards, pulling my cell out of my back pocket and dialing the first number I can think of.

As the phone rings, I peek my head out from around the fridge to make sure Charlotte didn’t follow me in here.

“This better be good. I have a naked woman on the roof and a jar of almonds toasting in the microwave,” Uncle Drew answers.

“Charlotte wants to talk about feelings!” I whisper yell into the phone.

“Carrots want to dog above ceilings? Dude, are you stoned?” Uncle Drew replies.

Taking a quick glance around the fridge again, I raise my voice a little louder, cupping my hand around my mouth to contain my words.

“Charlotte is in my living room. I just saw her boobs. I repeat, I JUST SAW HER BOOBS!”

There’s silence on the other end of the line and I wonder if the call dropped.

“Uncle Drew?” I whisper.

“I’m here, I’m here. Fuck! I wasn’t expecting this phone call for at least another seven to ten days. Aunt Jenny hasn’t finished making the bar graph, and we still have statistics to process. Shit! Okay, don’t panic. Did you TOUCH the boobs yet?” Uncle Drew questions.

“No! But she wants me to tell her how I feel. What the f**k do I do?”

Uncle Drew sighs. “Fuck. Feelings. Damn, she’s bringing out the big guns. Okay, here’s what you do. You distract her. Chicks are like squirrels on crack. Throw a nut in their direction and they’ll forget what they just wanted five seconds before,” Uncle Drew explains.

“So, you’re saying I should just change the subject when she asks me how I feel?”

“Fuck no! I’m saying, if she asks you some girly shit, you throw your nuts at her. Whip those puppies out, roll them around in your hands, and get her to focus on those bad boys instead.”

Remind me again why I thought calling him was a good idea?

“I’m not showing her my balls!” I whisper angrily into the phone.

Uncle Drew laughs and before he can give me any other stellar advice, I hear Aunt Jenny in the background.

“Drew, did you just tell Gavin to show Charlotte his balls to avoid talking about how he feels?”

“Babe, why did you get down from the roof? The almonds are almost ready and the pickled relish is cooling on the stove,” Uncle Drew pleads.

“Drew Parritt, are you telling Gavin not to talk about his feelings?” Aunt Jenny demands again.

I hear a rustle of fabric over the line and then Uncle Drew shouts, “ Jenny, look at my nuts!”

Peering around the corner, I see Charlotte walk into the room and look at me questioningly.

“Ooooh, I love your nuts. Don’t forget to grab the salad thongs. I’ll see you on the roof.”

A few seconds later, Uncle Drew comes back on the line as Charlotte walks right up to me and stands a few inches away, staring into my eyes.

“What did I tell you? Nut tossing works every time. Good luck. I gotta go. There’s a few orgasms calling my name.”

The dial tone sounds in my ear and I end the call, slowly lowering my arm down and placing my phone on the counter next to me, my eyes never leaving Charlotte’s.

“Are you done with work stuff?” she asks.

I nod my head in response, unable to speak because of her close proximity. I want to touch her boobs. They’re right in front of me, straining against the front of her T-shirt. They’re doing this on purpose! They know I can’t just reach out and touch them whenever I want. Fucking boob teasers.

“We kissed the other night,” Charlotte whispers.

I swallow thickly and nod again, trying not to look directly at the boobs since it would be rude.

“What were you feeling right when we kissed?” Charlotte asks, leaning in closer so that her boobs are now pressed up against my chest.