Mom drapes her arm around Tyler’s shoulder and smiles at him. “Don’t be afraid. I’ll be gentle with you. I’ll make sure to use the small strap-on.”

She runs her finger down Tyler’s cheek, and I’m pretty sure if I look close enough I’ll see that he’s wet himself. I’m suddenly cured of my nausea and totally on board with whatever warped plan Mom has brewing in her head right now.

“Um, I think there’s been a mistake,” Tyler stutters as he looks back and forth nervously between my mother and me. I just shrug at him and slide my hands in my pockets. He’s not getting any help from me. I’m actually kind of proud of Mom right now. She is one hundred percent committed to this performance and will do whatever it takes to make Tyler back off, including scarring him for life.

“Come on, baby. Mama wants you to take it like a good boy,” she coos.

“What?! No! That’s okay. I don’t need Mama to give me anything. Seriously, stop saying that!” Tyler says in a rush.

“Gavin, you should go and give us some time alone.”

“NO! DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE ME!” Tyler shouts, reaching his hands out to me.

Moving out of his reach, I walk toward the door with a laugh as my mom wraps both of her arms around Tyler and squeezes him tight. “Sorry, dude. This is something I definitely don’t want to see.”

As I open the door and step out onto the front porch, I’ve forgotten all about my disastrous evening with Charlotte, thanks to my mom. Maybe it’s time to scrap the list and just tell her how I feel.

I look back over my shoulder as the door closes behind me, and it’s like something out of a horror movie. Tyler is screaming and flailing his arms all around and my mom reaches around from behind him, smacks her hand over his mouth, and pulls him back away from the door right before it closes.

Charlotte

Chapter 13 - Spiderman

“It was a disaster, Rocco. A total disaster,” I complain with a sigh.

“I’m confused. How was it a disaster when you touched his penis?”

I glare at Rocco and signal the bartender for a refill of my Moscato. This is going to take a lot of booze.

“I think I’m going to need you to start at the beginning because I really don’t understand what the problem is. You’ve been following the list we made and things are moving along quite well, if I do say so myself,” Rocco replies, giving himself a pat on the back.

I’ve done something stupid. Something really, really stupid and now that it’s done, I can’t take it back. And no, I’m not talking about shoving my hand down Gavin’s pants last night. That wasn’t stupid, that was genius. Contrary to popular belief, I’ve never touched a penis before. Wait, that sounds bad. That sounds like everyone thinks I go around touching penises. No one thinks I’m a slut. At least I hope they don’t. But I’m pretty sure they think I gave up the goods to some idiot in high school that was in Gavin’s band. Let me set the record straight here–I didn’t. I just kind of sort of made people think that. And by people, I mean Gavin. I know, I know. I should be hanging my head in shame, but what the f**k was I supposed to do? Nothing else was working. I tried going out with a few guys, I tried kissing a few guys … nothing got a reaction out of him. And telling a teensy, tiny, little white lie about losing my virginity only made him go straight into the arms of that whore, Shelly Collins. He took her to prom! It should have been me, God dammit!

Shit, I’m getting off track here. I should probably do what Rocco says and start at the beginning. But the beginning was a really long time ago. I don’t even remember when I actually fell in love with Gavin. It feels like forever. The problem is that we grew up together and our parents are best friends. Our families have always done everything together, and I’m like a little sister to him. I’m sure he still looks at me and sees a girl in pigtails that used to suck her thumb. That is NOT a turn-on. Wait, actually I think it is. I’m pretty sure they have  p**n  for that. And if I’m not mistaken, Rocco even put it on our list that I should dress up as a schoolgirl for Gavin. Fuck. I probably should have started with that instead of the easy stuff like making him jealous and forcing him to look at my cle**age.

So, let’s go back to the middle instead of the beginning. I met Rocco a few months ago at a sorority mixer, and he very quickly became one of my best friends. Obviously, he didn’t understand why I turned down every single guy who asked me out, so I had to come clean with him. I had to tell him that I’ve been in love with my best friend practically since birth. One night over Pink Poodle martinis, Rocco started to make a list on a scrap of paper from my purse of things I could do to get Gavin to notice me. One thing turned into twelve, and now here I am with a fake g*y boyfriend, a few drunken kisses, and one sloppy hand job.

Gavin probably thinks I’m a drunken idiot. I’ve kissed him twice now after copious amounts of alcohol, and last night, I took the bull by the horns. Or the penis by the base.

“Rocco, I can’t rehash what happened last night. It’s too mortifying.”

Rocco puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close, giving me a squeeze. “I know, sweetie. But I haven’t gotten laid in months, and I need to live vicariously through you. Tell me everything.”

The bartender sets down another glass of wine in front of me, and I grab it, taking a huge gulp before beginning.

“So, you know that I went to Gavin’s place last night so he could get his mind off of his dad being in the hospital. And of course, since I had a few beers, I had the courage to actually ask him about that kiss last week,” I start. “As soon as I asked him, he got up from the couch and said he had to do something really important for work.”