Love and Lists
“Son of a bitch! That’s the comforter from my bed!” I yell with a stomp of my foot.
“Ooooh, the older sister. This is like a p**n dream come true. Can I be on the bottom?”
My head whips around to the door of the hallway and I see Tyler standing there buttoning his shirt.
“Oh my God. I’m going to have to burn that blanket now. And the couch.”
Tyler finishes with his shirt and walks over to the couch, plopping down next to Ava and throwing his arm over her shoulder.
“Don’t worry, Charlotte, I only got a little Tyler juice on your blanket. It’s all good.”
Ava shoves Tyler away from her and gets up from the couch. “I’m finished with you. You can leave now.”
Tyler pouts and stares up at her. “Babe, that wounds me. I’m delicate after my run-in with Claire the other day. Be gentle.”
Ava rolls her eyes and walks over to the door, opening it up and pointing outside. “Aunt Claire made you wash her kitchen floor with a toothbrush and mow the lawn with a pair of scissors. Go away or I’ll make you gargle toilet water.”
Tyler stands up and saunters over to her. “Ooooh, kinky. I like that. Until next time. Unless you gave me the clap. In that case, call first.”
Tyler whistles as he walks out the door and Ava slams it shut behind him.
“I cannot believe you had sex with that thing,” I tell her as she comes back into the living room.
“You should be thanking me right now, you whore. I took one for the team to see if I could get any information on Gavin after you threw a web of spooge on his shirt,” she complains.
“God dammit! Will you stop bringing that up!”
Ava shrugs, gathers up the blanket, and throws it behind the couch before taking a seat. “I’m sorry, but that’s some funny shit. You threw sperm at him. You’re like the creepy guy in Silence of the Lambs, throwing goo through the jail cell bars. At least you didn’t hit him in the face with it.”
I should have never trusted Ava with this information. She’s my sister and I love her, but she never lets shit go. She still brings up every single time I’ve ever tattled on her when we were growing up in casual conversation. She’s got the memory of an elephant and can tell everyone who asks the exact date, time, and outfit we were both wearing when I told Mom that she drew a picture of a penis in crayon on the back of my bedroom door when she was twelve.
“Since you decided to be a slut for the cause, tell me you at least got some information out of Tyler,” I beg, taking a seat next to her.
“Tyler shouts the names of My Little Ponies when he comes. And he makes horse noises with his lips when he’s going down on me.”
My mouth opens and I gag.
“I know. It’s weird. But it was kind of hot. If you ever tell anyone I said that I will smother you in your sleep,” she warns.
“Can we get back to more pressing matters please? What did he say about Gavin?”
Ava sighs and leans back into the couch. “He didn’t say much. That boy is loyal; I’ll give him that. Every time I asked him about Gavin he would just say, ‘Well, what does Charlotte think?’ It was annoying. I even tried asking him when his penis was in my mouth, figuring it would distract him.”
Eeew, I really don’t want to picture Tyler’s penis in ANYONE’S mouth, especially my sister’s. He’s a good-looking guy I guess. Around six feet tall with surfer blonde hair and blue eyes, but as soon as he opens his mouth it ruins everything.
“How do you talk with a penis in your mouth?” I question.
“It takes some practice. You have to know how to roll your r’s and really enunciate. I’m pretty good, but he still thought when I asked if Gavin liked you I said, ‘Muff diving dike harlot.’ He thought I was telling him I’m a slutty lesbian. It took me fifteen minutes to get him to focus after that.”
Fuck! How in the hell am I going to find out how Gavin feels about what happened between us? Tyler was my last hope.
“I have a great idea. How about you find some balls and just tell Gavin how you really feel?” Ava suggests with a glare at me.
“Yeah, because that would go over really well. ‘Oh hey, Gavin. So, I know we grew up together and we’ve been best friends since we were little. We usually tell each other everything but here’s something new. Every time I’m around you I want to climb your face like a tree. Oh and you know how all my friends dared me to kiss you at the bar last week? Yeah, totally false. I just made that up because I’ve been dying to stick my tongue down your throat since I was twelve. No, please, stop laughing so hard. I’m serious.’”
I end my tirade and stare back at Ava.
“Yeah, that’s probably pretty accurate. Okay, so what’s left on Rocco’s list?” she asks.
I heave out a sigh and throw my head back against the couch. “Dress up like a slutty school girl, get a flat tire and call him for help, take him to a sporting event and pretend like I know what’s going on, and take naked pictures of him. But obviously that suggestion was for Rocco’s benefit.”
Ava shakes her head sadly at me. “Rocco isn’t going to be able to keep his g*yness contained for much longer. Did you know he called Dad the other day and asked him if he wanted to go to a game? Dad thought maybe he’d misjudged him and felt bad. Then Rocco told him the game was drag queen bingo. I think Dad put a hit out on him.”