Love Me

“So you and Dawes in the tub, huh?”



“No. I took all three baths by myself. He watched football. He did it to be sweet, not just for sex.”



“So you didn’t have sex?”



I roll my eyes at him.



“Fine. Tomorrow night. Just you, me, and the Cave. Got it? We seriously need to figure out who you’re choosing. You dating them both is not gonna work.”



“Says the guy who made out with three different girls at the Cave Saturday night. It’ll work just fine.”



But I’m not really sure that it will.



Parallel lines that will never cross.



Ceramics



Jake, Bryce, and I are sitting at our table, staring at our pieces that got fired in the big kiln this weekend. Jake’s bowl looks pretty good, although slightly off kilter.



Bryce attempted a vase. It’s round and fat on the bottom and gets skinnier toward the top, so it’s recognizable as a vase. We glazed it a pretty blue, so he probably got a decent grade.



Mine, however, is a disaster.



And I’m so sad because I worked really, really hard on it.



I rolled out tons of skinny strips, like when I used to make play dough snakes when I was little. Then I rolled each snake into a curled up circle, flattened the circle, and put all the circles together to make a bowl. It looked amazing and I was so proud of it.



It, however, did not survive the kiln. It melted apart and is lying in front of me, a bunch of circular pieces in ruins.



“Lookin’ good,” Jake says, elbowing me.



“Shut up. You know how hard I worked on this.”



Our teacher flits by, telling me I needed to put the circles on a base, as she hands us back our grade sheets.



Bryce says, “Sweet, I got a C.”



Jake flips his paper over, grinning and showing off a B.



I don’t even want to look at mine.



“You failed, huh?” Jake asks.



“I’m sure.”



Bryce flips over my paper. On the top of it is a B. “How the hell did you get a B? It fell apart?”



I read the note from the teacher. You had a beautiful and creative design. This was the most thought you’ve put into a piece all year. I’d like to see more like this from you. We’ll work harder on the structure next time. If it had survived the kiln, you would have gotten an A.



I leave ceramics feeling good about my grade, but wondering about my life.



And how the broken pieces relate to it.



I’ve never worked on my structure. I fell apart every time Brooklyn ditched me and I’m not going to do it again.



I want a relationship that can survive the kiln.



I know Dallas thinks I need to choose, but I don’t want to.



And, after last night, I’m not ready to.



Dawson is like my history class. It doesn’t relate to ceramics. They are two separate classes that don’t intersect. Completely parallel lines that will never cross.



I can keep them separate.



And in the mean time, I’ll work on my own foundation.



All’s fair in love and war.



Lunch



As I walk into the café, Annie grabs my arm and pulls me aside. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were with Dawson at a hotel!”



I pull her back out into the hall. “How do you know that?!”



She looks at me like I am an idiot. “It’s on Facebook?”



“It’s what?! What does it say?”



She fiddles with her phone, pulling up Dawson’s profile and shoving it in front of me.



I heart hotel bath time with Keatie.



I close my eyes tightly and mutter, “I’m going to kill him.” I calm myself down and open my eyes. “When did you see it? Do you think Aiden saw it?”



“I think everyone saw it, and everyone knows you were both gone last night.”



“When did he post it?”



She looks down at the screen. “About an hour ago.”



My panic returns. “Annie! We have to go to French next. How am I supposed to go to French? Ohmigawd! History and ceramics just intersected! They weren’t supposed to do that! I think I’m gonna be sick. Can you be sick too? Can we skip?”



“What are you talking about classes intersecting? You’re making no sense, and you’re freaking out. You never freak out. If you like Aiden, why did you spend the night with Dawson?”



“I’m so confused, Annie. I thought Dawson and I were just about sex. And I was going to be done with him, but then he got me this huge suite because I had mentioned that I missed taking baths. He’s trying to romance me. And I took three baths all by myself while he watched football.”



“So you didn’t do anything with him?”



“That’s beside the point, Annie. I cannot go to French! What am I gonna do!?”



“Are you mad at Dawson for posting it?”



Then it dawns on me. He did it on purpose. What did he tell me? All’s fair in love and war?



And maybe it is, unless you’re collateral damage.



Am I collateral damage?



Do I even know what collateral damage is?



Or was it a direct hit?



I spy Dawson sitting at the lunch table and chatting with Bryce.



I march over with my hands on my hips, and Annie on my heels. “A word with you?”



Bryce grins. “I wondered why you were all dreamy in ceramics.”



I ignore him.



“What’s wrong?” Dawson asks.



“Your Facebook post,” I say grimly.



His eyes sparkle at me, and he shrugs. Normally, I would find this very sexy.



I sit down in the chair next to him. “Please, delete it,” I plead.



“Nope.”



“I hate you.”



He leans in and whispers, “No, you hate that you love sex with me so much that you can’t give it up. And I can play too. Why is it okay for Aiden to take you to fancy French dinners? If it weren't for him, we'd be back together.”



“That’s bullshit and you know it. It’s because of you that we’re not together.”



“But, Keatie, you understood. You forgave me. Obviously. We’ve done a lot of making up.”



I shake my head at him, not sure what to do.



I don’t eat. I feel sick because I know what’s next.



French.



I don’t know who to turn to for advice, so I decide to send Grandma a quick email.



Grandma—



How do you choose between two evils?



“Annie, ohmigawd, walk with me to French. Tell me something. Distract me.”



“Like what?” The thought of having to distract me seems to make her panic.



“Tell me more about this weekend.”



She smiles sweetly, her panic gone. “It was good. The night we almost did, um, it, I did more than touch it.”



“More with your hand or with your mouth?”



“Both! I figured I would do it wrong, but I was really excited that it worked.”



“It usually does.” I laugh. “Well, that's good. So you’re in love?”



“Yeah, I think so.”



“But you said it?”



She sighs. “I know. And now I’m worrying about it. I'm probably analyzing too much and not feeling enough.”



“For a hopeless romantic, I'm surprised you’re not just letting yourself feel.”



She stops walking and looks at me intently. “Is that what you do?”



I think about that. Am I the polar opposite of Annie? Do I feel too much and analyze too little?



“Is that what you think I do?”



“I don't know. You seem ruled by emotion. Like, you go with whatever you feel at the time.”



“Actually, no, Annie. That’s not right. With Dawson, I feel and don't think. With Aiden, I think and try not to feel.”



“Why? Why do you keep doing stuff with Dawson when you really like Aiden?”



“Because it’s scary, Annie. Dawson is a known quantity. Maybe he doesn’t love me in the true love fairy tale sense, but how many people even find that in high school?”



“Two percent.”



“How do you even know that?”



“I looked it up on the internet. I wanted to know what the odds are that Ace and I would actually stay together and get married.”



“That percentage is really low.”



She nods. “I know. But I really do love him.”



“I really loved my ex, too. But we’re not together now. My point is, when you are in love, it’s all rainbows and sunshine. But my mom says that relationships are hard work. And lots of people date, break up, get back together, and end up happily married. Just because Dawson doesn’t know what he wants out of his life now, it doesn’t mean we couldn’t be happy together in the future.”



“Or not.”



“Exactly. That’s my point, exactly. So maybe it is more just lust with us. But it’s fun. It’s easy. I know where I stand with him. I know what to expect. He's sweet. The sex is hot. With Aiden, I don’t know what to expect. And I like him, Annie, I do. And that’s part of why I kinda think I’d be better off with Dawson. I don’t want to get hurt again. Some of the stuff that Aiden says is so amazing, but at the same time, it’s almost unbelievable. Like I don’t know if he’s just telling me what he thinks a girl wants to hear or if he really means it.”



“What does your heart say?”



“My heart is afraid of Aiden.”



“I want to marry Ace. We always have so much to talk about. We even watched the History Channel last night, and he thought it was cool, not weird.”



“Wow, that is weird.”



She bumps my arm. “Shut up!”



I laugh. “You know I'm just teasing. I’m really glad you’re not mad at me anymore. I missed you.”



“I missed you too. Shit,” she says, nodding her head to the right. “There's Aiden. Three o’clock.”



“Let’s pray he didn't see it.” Then I grab her arm and whisper, “Truth be told, I could picture myself married to Aiden.”



“So stop seeing Dawson.”



We sit down in class.



Aiden files in after us, sits at his desk, and immediately leans up behind me. “So, you were at a hotel with Dawson?”



“Yes.”



“Taking baths?”



“Yeah. Earlier yesterday I was telling him and Dawson and Riley that was one thing I really missed about home. I used to take a bath almost every day.”



“And what’d you do in the bathtub?”



“Soaked. Relaxed. Fell asleep.”



“Whatever.”



“Not that it’s any of your business, but Dawson and I did nothing in the bathtub. He watched football while I took a bath. Actually, two very long baths. Like, it was hours. Then we got hungry, so we ordered room service, and then I took another bath. Alone.”



“And then you spent the night with him. Or did you sleep in the bathtub too?”



“Um . . .”



“Never mind. I don’t want to know.”



Class starts, so I can’t talk to him. I get my phone out sneakily—I’m learning—put it under my desk, and text him.



Me: I’m always alone when I take a bath. It’s like meditating for me. I close my eyes. Feel the warm water on me. Let my mind wander everywhere or nowhere. It’s like my time. I love it here but there isn't any ME time. We’re constantly with people. What Dawson did for me was sweet. I am mad about the post though, and he knows it.



Hottie God: You spent the night with him. I know what that means.



Me: Can we hang out tonight after tutoring? Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t plan it. He surprised me. I thought we were done, honestly.



Hottie God: Sometimes I hate you.



Me: Dawson never hates me.



Hottie God: Ever think that’s cuz he doesn’t care as much as I do?



Me: I don’t know what I think.



Hottie God: :(



Me: Could we do tutoring with food tonight?



Hottie God: Off site or my room?



Me: My room. We never hang out in my room. I’ll order Chinese? Maybe you can see the stars.



Hottie God: Will Katie be there?



Me: Nope :)



Hottie God: You gonna ditch me again?



Me: No. I promise.



Hottie God: Pinkie swear?



Me: Absolutely.



Most important to you.



Dance



Right after dance, Peyton sticks her head in the locker room and says, “Keatyn, can you please come in Miss Tina’s office with me?”



“Uh, sure.”



Peyton shuts the door behind us.



Shit. Am I in trouble?



Miss Tina shuffles through some papers then she looks up at me and says, “It has come to my attention that you’re currently failing English. You know if you’re failing, you don’t get to dance.”



“I didn’t know that.”



“We explained it to you at the beginning of the year. How you have to keep your grades up, just like all the sports.”



“Oh, yeah.”



I feel like I could cry. My face gets all hot. I don’t know what to say. I’m so embarrassed. I’ve never failed anything.



“So, today is Monday. If you want to perform at the game this week, you’ll have to get your grade up above a 70. You’ll still practice with the team. You just won’t get to perform.”



“Okay,” I say, trying not to cry. I can’t even believe I’m in this situation. I have always gotten good grades.



“Do you have an English test or homework coming up that could help raise your grade by Friday?” Peyton asks gently.



“We have a test on Thursday.”