Love Me
Just jack off.
7:40am
I wake up starving and scarf down the first thing I see.
After I eat half, it dawns on me that I’m eating a brownie.
Oh, shit.
Please don’t let this be a special brownie.
I wake Katie up. “Tell me you ate Jake’s brownie last night.”
“No, Bryce and I decided to save it and share it tonight.”
I close my eyes tightly. “Shit. I just ate half of it.”
“I heard you can kill a high by doing some shots.”
“You want me to get drunk too?”
“What if I try to scare you?”
“I don’t think you can scare me if I know you’re going to try to scare me because then I probably wouldn’t be scare-able.”
“You’re already high.”
“Wait. I know what to do.”
I call Dallas. “Dallas, dude. I totally, like, need some assistance.”
“Uh, okay?”
“Have you ever, like, gotten high but then felt like maybe you shouldn’t be high?”
“Is that a trick question?”
“No. Like, have you ever needed to get un-high quickly? How do you do it?”
“Oh. Just jack off.”
“I don’t think I have the right parts for that.”
“Are you high? Now?”
“Slightly.”
“I’ll be right over.”
Katie leaves while I wait for Dallas. While I wait, I start to think about how my brain has totally been on my case lately.
I mean what is with all this nagging?
All this Choose. Choose. You need to choose.
I decide to text Grandpa. He’s a smart man.
Me: Grandpa, how do you like make an important decision? Do you like write out pros and cons, like how do you decide?
Grandpa: I like totally like flip a coin, dude.
Me: Very funny, ha ha. I guess I did say like a couple times. But here’s the deal. This decision is too important to flip a coin over. I mean, what if I don’t get what I want?
Grandpa: Exactly.
Me: What? I don’t get it. What do you mean? Exactly?
Grandpa: Hotshot, when you need to make an important decision and you are trying to decide between two things, flip a coin. You just said, what if I don’t get what I want. That tells me you already know what you want. Most people do. They just need validation. Like fate played a hand in it. If you flip a coin and get what you want, you feel like you made the right decision, but it sounds like you already know the right decision. You’re just scared to make it.
Me: That’s really deep, dude.
Grandpa: Thanks, dude.
I think about what Grandpa said. I have a hot pink Magic Eight Ball at home. I used it a lot when I was younger, and if I didn’t get the answer I wanted, I would shake it until the eight ball got it right.
Yes. Brooklyn is in love with you.
Most of my questions back then revolved around Brooklyn. Will Brooklyn ever ask me out? Does Brooklyn think of me as more than a friend? Will Brooklyn kiss me tonight? Will we get married someday?
Okay, so I may have used it recently.
Dallas barges in my door and looks at me. “Did you eat one of Jake’s brownies for breakfast?”
“Yes. Accidentally.”
“Do you have any left?”
“Half.”
“Sweet. If we’re gonna skip school and hang out, we should both be high.”
I watch as he chows down the other half of the brownie.
Now we’re lying on my bed trying to count the stars on my ceiling. There are either 22 or 137, we’re not exactly sure.
“You know, I’ve been a mostly good boy all year long. Was it too much to ask for a girl to come up to me on Halloween, laugh like a vampire, and say, I vant to suck your dick?”
I laugh out loud. “Ohmigawd. I want to be a vampire next year. I’m totally going to say that to everyone.”
“You gonna follow through?”
“If they got me some food, I might. I’m starving. Are you starving?”
“That’s what we need. Food and a nap.”
“Oh, a nap sounds good. I’ll go raid the kitchen. You stay here.”
I scrounge through the dorm’s kitchen and take back an amazing feast.
“I found cinnamon rolls, skittles, Cool Ranch Doritos, and two avocados. But don’t eat the avocados. I want to make a face mask.”
Dallas and I chow, then I smash up the avocados, and rub them on our faces.
We lie down to rest.
“What the hell is on your face?” Dallas says to me.
“Why are you in my bed?”
“Brownies,” Dallas says with a smile, as he runs his finger through the avocado on my face then licks it off his finger. “I just need salsa and some chips.”
“We need to get to class. What time is it?”
He pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Shit. It’s one.”
“We slept half the day!”
“Best. Day. Ever.”
I giggle. “You’re right. It has been fun. And I’m relaxed. Did I tell you that Cosmo said that I don’t have to choose?”
“Choose what? New shoes?”
“No, between boys. It said if I can’t choose, it’s because I’m not ready to.”
“Yes, you told me on the train. I say we choose not to go to our classes today. ”
“I have to go to soccer or I’ll get in trouble. Coach Steele is trying to kill us.”
“He’s a beast. Have you seen him lifting weights?”
“Uh, no, have you? And why didn’t you call me?”
“I somehow doubt he wants all you girls drooling over him when he’s trying to get in a workout.”
“Still, you should’ve called me. I’m gonna go shower. Get this stuff off my face.”
“I’m gonna take another nap.”
I’ll let fate decide.
3:40pm
I’m the last one in the dance locker room. As I pull my bag out of my crammed locker, a quarter rolls out and falls onto the floor.
I pick it up off the floor and study it.
I’m pretty sure the universe is trying to speak to me.
Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll let fate decide. I will flip this coin, and whatever it tells me, I will do.
Heads, I choose Dawson and do not look back. I’ll enjoy our easy, lusty-love relationship and won’t worry about the future.
Tails, because they sorta look like a clover, is Aiden. If fate lets it land on tails, I will give up hot sex and tongue kisses and take another chance on love.
I toss the coin high into the air.
All of a sudden, all I can see is Aiden’s face. I pray to the love and hottie gods that it lands tails up.
I want Aiden.
I really do.
It drops on the ground and rolls across the floor.
Maggie walks in, sees the coin rolling, and says, “Oh, I’ll get that.”
“Don’t touch it!” I scream at her.
“Okay,” she says, backing away.
The coin rolls in front of her feet and then under the bench. I plop down on my hands and knees, chasing it as it rolls.
“What the hell are you doing?” She looks at me like I’m a maniac.
“I tossed a coin, so I could decide between Dawson and Aiden.”
“Why would you leave a decision like that to chance?”
“It’s not chance. It’s fate.”
The quarter stops rolling, stands on its side, spins, and then falls to the ground.
I pick it up. Look at it.
Maggie asks impatiently. “Well, what is it?”
“It’s heads.”
“Who’s heads?”
“Dawson. Shit.”
“Why shit? Dawson is H, O, double T, hot.”
I pace back and forth in front of her. “Because my grandpa told me when the coin is up in the air, I’d know who I want. I want Aiden. What the hell just happened? What happened to fate? I thought it was fate that I met Aiden here. That I kicked a soccer ball at his face. He tells me it’s fate that we’re going to be together. How am I supposed to align my life with fate, when I can’t even trust it to get a stupid coin toss right?” I grab Maggie’s shoulders, my eyes full of panic. “Is fate trying to tell me Aiden is wrong for me?”
Maggie grabs my shoulders. “You need to get ahold of yourself. My dad says coin tosses are a game of chance. I don’t think they’re a test of fate. Besides, everyone knows you always do two out of three.”
“They don’t do that when they start the football games.”
“Boys are dumb. Just do it. Hold the quarter in your hand, think Who should I be with, and then toss it in the air.
“Who should I be with?” I say and flip the quarter into the air. Once again, I see Aiden’s face, so I will the coin to land on tails.
It rolls directly in front of Maggie’s feet.
“I can’t look at it. What is it?”
“It’s tails! Aiden! You did good, Keatyn. Okay, one more time.”
She tosses me the coin. I flip it again, think the same things, but then Dawson’s adorable face bursts into my thoughts. I see him sitting on the brick wall waiting for me, that first day back at school after the Hamptons.
The coin lands.
“Heads,” she says.
Dawson.
“Wait! This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be throwing it. I’m too confused. Who do you think I should be with?”
“I don’t know. I used to think Dawson, but now I think Aiden. Mostly, I just want you to be happy.”
I give her a hug. “That’s exactly what I need! You need to toss the coin and think, I want Keatyn to be happy.”
“I can do that,” she says excitedly.
“No two out of three. Just one toss, okay?”
“Okay, let me think . . . here goes.”
She tosses the coin up into the air. It hits the ceiling, bounces down on the bench, and then rolls off it.
“Heads,” Maggie says. “It’s Dawson.”
So easily destroyed.
6:50pm
Before rehearsal starts, one of the actors is on stage messing around. He stands up straight and tall, holds his fist against his chest, and quotes from Hamlet: “To be, or not to be, that is the question.”
But I hear something else. To choose, or not to choose, that is the question.
I’m pretty sure in Hamlet, he was trying to decide if he should kill himself. While I’m trying to figure out if I should kill a relationship.
Aiden sits down next to me, the feather still hanging from his backpack.
Should I listen to the coin-toss fate and choose Dawson?
“You know, we never did talk about your ceramics project.”
“That’s because you were mad at me.”
“Boots, I want to build a framework with you. Do you still want that?”
I nod.
“Good. But here’s the deal. I want the framework—the foundation—built on love, not sex.” He takes both my hands in his. “Build a foundation with me. A nice strong foundation. Then we’ll build a huge sprawling mansion of love on it. The kind no one could ever knock down. Remember the story of the three little pigs?”
“Yeah. The wolf ate them.”
“No, he didn’t. He ate two of them. You and Dawson were a straw house. It only took a puff—a text—to blow it down. Don’t you want a relationship that’s not so easily destroyed?”
I want to say I don’t care, but I do. I do want a relationship like that. One like Mom and Tommy’s. Tommy would move a mountain for my mom and us girls. I start to get tears in my eyes.
He puts his hand under my chin. “Does that make you sad?”
“No, it’s what I want. I’m just tired of investing my time and my heart in things that fall apart. And I don’t want to be a pig.”
Aiden laughs and kisses my nose. “You’d be a cute piggy.”
I look at the stage and realize that I’m supposed to be up there. “Shit. I gotta go.”
When I sit back down after my scene, Aiden says, “I bought tickets to every showing.”
“Every showing of the play? All three? Haven’t you seen it enough?”
“Not really. I love this play.”
“Why’s that?”
“The good guy wins.”
Wednesday, November 2nd
It was awful.
English
In English, Katie sits next to Dallas and me. It’s the first time she’s ventured over here since the Tyrese incident.
“I have some exciting news.”
“What’s that?”
“Bryce asked me to be his escort last night!”
“That’s awesome.”
“I’m going to be Chelsea’s escort,” Dallas says, getting in a little jab.
“She a varsity starter?” Katie asks, although she doesn’t let him reply. “Makes sense, I guess. She’s been with everyone on the team.”
My eyes get big with shock. Katie’s usually not this catty.
Dallas doesn’t get mad, though, he grins at her and then swats her shoulder. “Well, since you popped my cherry, I’ve been trying to find someone better than you.”
Katie starts giggling. “Ohmigawd, that would be anyone. It was awful.”
Dallas laughs too. “Well, the first time, anyway. But that was your fault and you know it.”
She shakes her head. “I didn’t know you were a virgin.”
“I’m glad you’re seeing Bryce,” Dallas says. “He’s a good guy.”
She smiles at him. Beams, really. “Thanks. And I didn’t really mean that about Chelsea.”