Midnight Blue

Why was I being so brutally honest? I’d only stroke his inflated ego. Though I wasn’t sure his ego was so huge anymore. I actually suspected it was as fragile as my current state of sanity.

“First of all, I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me. And second of all,” he exhaled, punching the wall behind me with both fists and boxing me between his arms. I didn’t fight him. For the first time since we’d met, I didn’t need to. I knew I wouldn’t let him have me. Not when his lips were ghosting someone else’s tonight. Feeling in control over my body again was, sadly, anticlimactic.

“I felt nothing,” he said.

“You love her,” I insisted, praying to hear him dispute those words. “You said so yourself.”

“I love her?” He snorted, shaking his head. “What part gave me away, Indie? Huh? The part where, in every single conversation I’ve ever had about Fallon, I wanted her down and compliant and submissive, begging for my forgiveness and love again, or the part where I chased your sorry arse across the world? Tell me, Stardust , is that what love feels like? Feeling the need to steal, and destroy, and ruin your love interest just so you could breathe for one fucking second without feeling like a cockless loser? I don’t love Fallon, I don’t even like Fallon, and I sure as hell don’t fucking want Fallon. It was you I wrote songs about. It is you I see first thing in the morning before I open my eyes, like you’re carved into my fucking eyelids from the inside. It’s you I see at night, a second before I fall asleep, like you’re printed on every goddamn ceiling in Europe. I don’t want this to end, and my reasons are purely selfish. You made me forget about the drugs and remember about the art. But I’ve a feeling I’m not the only one who’s enjoying this arrangement. Why fuck it up? Because of a brief, one-sided kiss? Fallon is not a threat. Fallon is not even a hiccup. The only girl I’d like to be with until I’m back in L.A. is you, Stardust.”

Until I’m back in L.A.

Just an arrangement.

My reasons are selfish.

It killed me from the inside to know the man who came up with some of the most inspiring words about love was also capable of offering something so half-assed, partly-baked, and indecisive. And what slayed me even more was that I was fully ready to take it. Maybe not tonight, but tomorrow, or the next day, once my heart slowed down and logic kicked in. He hadn’t cheated on me. If anything, he’d peeled her off and told her no.

I felt Alex on my skin, even though he was smart enough not to touch me. He was waiting for me to speak when the door opened again.

Fallon appeared behind his back.

She looked horrified.

And broken.

And…dangerous.

Like a fatal disease that crawled to your threshold without knocking on the door, asking you to open your mouth and let it poison you. Most of all, Fallon looked high. Her pupils were dilated and wide as saucers, her skin clammy and gray. She thrust herself at Alex, trying to peel his palms from the wall above me with quivering fingers. Cold sweat misted her forehead, and her shudders were as violent as her eyes. It scared me so much I momentarily forgot to hate her and was more worried we should be calling for an ambulance.

“You weren’t supposed to find her,” she growled, tears running down her face. She wasn’t crying. She was shedding tears. I didn’t even think she was aware she was doing it. Her face was emotionless, ill-looking. “How do you think it feels to read about you in the news, Alex? New love. New album. New songs. I’m hurting, too. Don’t play into their hands. It’s us, baby. You and me. I don’t need rehab, and you don’t need her. All we need is each other.”

Who the hell were they?

“Fallon,” he bit out, more exasperated than emotional, like she was an annoying kid he tried to tame, “busy here. Where’s your fuckboy, Bushell?”

“I don’t know!” She threw her arms in the air. “Probably doing charity stuff or something boring along those lines. Oh, my God. He’s so boring. How was he even your friend? You guys have nothing in common. I need to talk to you.”

“The only thing you need is rehab. Go back to your boyfriend. Fiancé. Whatever.”

“Don’t do this, Alex. Don’t play into their game and let them win. This is not who we are. We do us. We’ve always done us.”

I had no idea what she was talking about, and one look at Alex’s face told me he was just as oblivious to what was going on. He parked his waist next to mine, turning his head and narrowing his eyes at her.

“You’re engaged to someone else.”

“They forced me. Jenna paid me, and I needed the money. Will won’t give me access to shit unless I go to rehab.”

“What are you bloody talking about?” Alex growled.

“They wanted you to hook up with this girl! That was the plan! They wanted her to make you forget about me! About the drugs.” She stomped her foot, waving around and pointing at me. “Oh my gosh, like, how can you not see that? You don’t need a sobriety companion. You have Blake, who’s attached to you by the hip, and Lucas, who would goddamn-near kill for you!” she spat out, growing twitchier by the second.

I mulled her words over. She looked crazy, but the things she said added up pretty correctly, and that worried me. Had Jenna hired me to make Alex forget about Fallon? It sounded extremely farfetched, but I’d heard stranger things.

“Bollocks!” he yelled into her face. He was losing his cool, too. “How would you even fucking know that? No one from my team talks to you. No one!” Alex took a step in her direction, so mad I thought he could push her.

I dragged him by the arm back to me, and the mere touch between us made his face soften a little. Still, he looked scarier than I’d ever seen him.

“I know that because Will was in on it,” she cried on a full-blown sob. “Will loves me. I know he does. But I don’t love him. I love you. They wouldn’t let me talk to you.” She sniffed. “They said…” Now she was crying for real, and I wanted to cry with her, because things had gotten so much more complicated. “They said I ruined you and that you’re better off without me. That she was sweet and proper and will make you feel better.”

“Lies.” He shook his head. “No, no, no.”

“Will only ever wanted the best for you. For me, too. Blake, Lucas, and Alfie were in on it, too. Why did you think Lucas was pushing himself on this girl so hard? Is she really worthy of the attention of two rock stars? I mean, no offense.” She raked her eyes along my body, meaning the offense and then some.