“I don’t know, eight? Would you still be around?”

Would I still be around? I had no intention of fucking leaving this neighborhood until we had a lengthy talk. I nodded, pointing at the baby. I had to. Even though I knew I was going to hate either answer, though for very different reasons.

“I’ll wait outside your door. Just one thing, Indie. Is he mine?”

She looked down at the baby, and smiled at him, and he smiled at her, and oh, fuck, she looked like the perfect, wholesome mum. She opened her mouth and spoke to me, but looked at him.

“No.”

I knew he’d be there, so I stalled.

Alex had never been good at waiting. Everything was given to him quickly, urgently, easily . I wanted to see if he had changed. It was stupid, and small, and petty, but also necessary.

I was babysitting Clara’s grandson, Grayson. Grayson’s dad, Ollie, had gotten back from work early and decided to join us at the park. It wasn’t out of character for Ollie to show up, but it was completely unexpected for Alex Winslow to be there.

Shortly after Alex came back to the States and I’d sought refuge somewhere he couldn’t find me, Clara called and told me she’d broken her hip and was no longer able to look after Grayson for the upcoming months. She asked if I wanted the job, since I was a friend of the family and got along nicely with her son and his wife, Tiffany, and I immediately said yes. I didn’t need the money particularly, but I needed the company, and the temporary accommodation before Alex left for rehab.

I liked my job, but that didn’t mean I liked my life.

I hated my life. My life was Alex-less, and that was the worst way to live your life once you’d had a dose of the rocker.

I thought about it as I strolled at the farmer’s market, looking, but not touching, all the rows of strawberries, peaches, and jars of homemade jam. It was only two weeks ago that I stopped waking up crying and hating myself for missing him.

Because I did. I missed him every day.

I missed the man who knew, or at the very least had great suspicion that his ex-girlfriend had taken lives that night.

The man who’d covered for his ex-lover’s crimes knowingly.

The man who could have saved my mother, maybe, if he had been more persistent, and stubborn, and less jaded, and drunk, and tired of life. Because I knew he hadn’t done it out of love for Fallon.

When you love, you want to fix.

When you love, you don’t help to destroy.

And wasn’t it what Alex was trying to do right now? Fix things between us?

I knew my brother and sister-in-law were not going to fault me for hearing him out. I even knew Alex did everything he could to take care of me. He sent me checks every month. Checks I tore and threw into the trash. Blake called me once a week. Jenna helped Craig get a maintenance job at her office building. The day Craig, Nat, and Ziggy had moved out, Lucas came in to install a new alarm system at the apartment and helped me paint the walls. Hudson would come every other Friday for sushi and Gossip Girl .

They all meant well.

Even Fallon hadn’t meant any harm, but harm she did, anyway, which was why she was awaiting trial right now. I didn’t know what Will thought about the whole thing, and sometimes, when I thought about him, which wasn’t often, I’d hurt for him, too.

At seven thirty, I threw in the towel and headed back home. I didn’t know what I was going to say to Alex and hadn’t decided if I was going to forgive him or not. And that, in itself, was irresponsible and dangerous for my poor heart.

He waited for me in the hallway, his long legs bent in front of my door for lack of space. He was long, and lithe, and completely gorgeous, the way I remembered him. I stopped and squeezed the railing, my knuckles whitening, trying to gather my thoughts.

He noticed me and rose to his feet, and we stood in front of each other, staring, mostly.

“Feels a lot like midnight,” he said. I didn’t want to smile, but I did, anyway.

“Are you okay?” I whispered.

“Is he really not mine?” His eyes shone.

I shook my head. “No. He’s with his dad now,” I referred to Grayson.

“Okay.” He nodded. “Okay. Have you listened to—”

“I have,” I cut through his words. How could I miss the song about me, when it was the most played song in contemporary radio stations all across America?

 

Two souls collide on a too dark floor in a graveyard for the stars

Funny, when you walked into my life I thought I’d be the one leaving all the scars

There wasn’t one moment when I knew you’d be mine

There were pieces of jigsaw, when I looked into your eyes

 

And at midnight, the sky turned blue

The night belonged to us, it was just me and you

And at midnight, you undressed me from my fears

I devoured your tears

Seconds became illuminated like years

And at midnight, I kissed your skin, your eyes, your lips

You shone so dangerously, my own little personal eclipse

And at midnight, I broke your heart

You broke mine too

We fell apart.

 

Once upon a time, I wanted to be someone’s white knight

One upon a time, I thought I saw the light

Then you burst into my life like cerulean powder falling from above

Teaching me I never knew true love

You took my heart and held it in your teeth

I begged for you to bite it, oh, how I fucking loved your heat

 

And at midnight, the sky turned blue

You taught me feelings and moves, brand-new

And at midnight, I nipped at your flesh

Your walls crumbled one by one, even though you said you were in it for the cash

And at midnight, I fucked your body, your heart, your soul

Joke’s on me, ’cause now I’m the one who needs to crawl

And at midnight, we broke together

On the floor

So fucked forever.

 

He even used a line I wrote to him.

A line I later saw somewhere else. On the Internet.

“Is that how you see our relationship?” My throat caught. God, I shouldn’t have wanted to listen to him, but I couldn’t help not to, either.

He nodded. “Not to be a jerk, but I’d rather we have this conversation inside, after you offer me a glass of water, because my mouth is still dry from the notion that baby could’ve been ours and you were raising it with some random bloke. But just to put it out there, I’m going to raise him as my own if you give me a chance.”