What’s she going to say in her assessment? What will she tell Luke? What will she recommend?

‘Have you finished shopping now?’ she says in normal, pleasant tones, as if we aren’t being stared at by every passer-by.

I nod silently, my face burning.

‘Minnie,’ says Nanny Sue. ‘I think you’re hurting the poor dolly. Shall we get off her now and buy you a nice snack? We can buy one for dolly too.’

Minnie swivels her head and looks mistrustfully at Nanny Sue for a few moments – then clambers off the mannequin.

‘Good girl,’ says Nanny Sue. ‘We’ll leave the dolly here at her own home.’ She hefts the mannequin up and props it against the door. ‘Now, let’s find you a drink. Say “Yes, Nanny Sue.” ‘

‘Ess Nanny Sue,’ parrots Minnie obediently.

Huh? How did she do that?

‘Rebecca, are you coming?’

Somehow I manage to get my legs in gear and start walking along with them. Nanny Sue starts talking but I can’t hear a word. I’m too sick with dread. She’s going to file her report and say Minnie needs special treatment at a boot camp. I know she is. And Luke will listen to her. What am I going to do?

By nine o’clock that night I’m in a total state, pacing around the house, waiting for Luke to get back.

This is the worst moment in our marriage. Ever. By a million miles. Because if it comes to it, I will be forced to take Minnie away to a safe refuge and never see Luke again and change our names by deed poll and try to forget through alcohol and drugs.

You know. Worst-case scenario.

At the sound of his key in the door I stiffen.

‘Becky?’ He appears at the kitchen door. ‘I was expecting you to phone! How did it go?’

‘Fine! We went shopping and we … er … had coffee.’ I sound totally false and stiff, but Luke doesn’t seem to notice, which just shows how observant he is.

‘So, what did she say about Minnie?’

‘Not a lot. You know. I expect she’ll report back later. When she’s come to her conclusions.’

‘Hmm.’ Luke nods, loosening his tie. He heads to the fridge, then pauses by the table. ‘Your BlackBerry’s flashing.’

‘Oh, is it?’ I say with stagey surprise. ‘Gosh. I must have a message! Could you listen to it? I’m sooo tired.’

‘If you like.’ Luke shoots me an odd look, picks it up and dials voicemail while taking a bottle of beer out of the fridge.

‘It’s her.’ He looks up, suddenly alert. ‘It’s Nanny Sue.’

‘Really?’ I try to sound astounded. ‘Well … put her on speaker phone!’

As the familiar West Country vowels fill the kitchen we both listen, motionless.

‘… full report to come. But I just had to say, Minnie is an enchanting child. It was a pleasure to spend time with her and your wife. Becky’s parenting skills are second to none and I can diagnose no problems in your family whatsoever. Well done! Goodbye now.’

‘Wow!’ I exclaim as the phone goes dead. ‘Isn’t that amazing! Now we can put this whole episode behind us and get on with our lives.’

Luke hasn’t yet moved a muscle. Now he just turns and gives me a long, hard look.

‘Becky.’

‘Yes?’ I flash him a nervous smile.

‘Was that by any chance Janice, putting on a West Country accent?’

What? How can he even say that?

I mean, OK, it was Janice, but she disguised her voice perfectly. I was really impressed.

‘No!’ I bluster. ‘It was Nanny Sue, and I’m really offended you should have to ask.’

‘Great. Well, I’ll give her a ring to chat about it.’ He pulls out his own BlackBerry

‘No, don’t!’ I yelp.

Why is he so mistrustful? It’s a massive character flaw. I’ll tell him so, one of these days.

‘You’ll disturb her,’ I improvise. ‘It’s really antisocial to ring so late.’

‘That’s your sole concern, is it?’ He raises his eyebrows. ‘Being antisocial?’

‘Yes,’ I say defiantly. ‘Of course.’

‘Well, then I’ll email her.’

Oh God. This isn’t going the way I planned. I thought I’d buy myself some time, at least.

‘OK, OK! It was Janice,’ I say desperately as he starts tapping. ‘But I didn’t have any choice! Luke, it was terrible. It was a disaster. Minnie got banned from a shop and she stole a mannequin and Nanny Sue didn’t say anything, just gave us that look, and I know what she’s going to recommend, but I can’t send Minnie away to some boot camp in Utah, I just can’t do it. And if you make me then I’ll have to take out an injunction and we’ll go to court and it’ll be like Kramer vs. Kramer and she’ll be scarred for life and it’ll be all your fault!’