Mini Shopaholic

Great. That must be Nazi Sue.

Today Nanny Sue’s wearing her official blue uniform. Sitting on the sofa, with a cup of tea and a laptop open beside her, she looks like she’s a policewoman come to arrest us.

‘So,’ she begins, looking from me to Luke and then smiling down at Minnie, who’s sitting on the floor with a puzzle. ‘It was a pleasure to spend some time with Becky and Minnie.’

I don’t reply. I’m not falling for her so-called friendly overtures. This is how she always starts on her TV show. She’s all nicey-nicey and then she goes in for the kill and by the end everyone’s sobbing on her shoulder and saying ‘Nanny Sue, how can we be better people?’

‘Now.’ She taps at the laptop and a video screen appears with ‘Minnie Brandon’ in black letters above it. ‘As you know, I filmed our morning together, as is my common practice. Just for my own records, you understand.’

‘What?’ I gape at her. ‘Are you serious? Where was the camera?’

‘On my lapel.’ Nanny Sue looks equally taken aback and turns to Luke. ‘I thought you’d informed Becky?’

‘You knew? You didn’t tell me anything!’ I round on Luke. ‘I was being filmed the whole time and you didn’t tell me?’

‘I thought it better not to. I thought if you knew, you might …’ He hesitates. ‘Act unnaturally. Put on a show.’

‘I would never put on a show,’ I retort, outraged.

Nanny Sue is scrolling through the images, pausing every now and again, and I catch a glimpse of myself talking stagily about organic Play-Doh.

‘That bit’s not relevant,’ I say hastily. ‘I’d fast-forward.’

‘So, what did you think, Nanny Sue?’ Luke is leaning forward in his chair, hands clasped anxiously on his knees. ‘Did you spot any major problems?’

‘Unfortunately, I did notice something that concerned me,’ Nanny Sue says seriously. ‘I’ll show you now … can you both see the screen?’

What did she notice? Whatever it was, she’s wrong. I’m feeling a burning indignation. What gives her the right to come into our house and film us and tell us what’s wrong with our daughter? Who said she was an expert, anyway?

‘Wait!’ I exclaim, and Nanny Sue stops the footage in surprise. ‘Plenty of children have spirit, Nanny Sue. But it doesn’t mean they’re spoiled. It doesn’t mean they’ve got problems. Human nature is a varied and beautiful thing. Some people are timid and some are feisty! Our daughter is a wonderful human being and I’m not having her spirit crushed at some … oppressive boot camp! And Luke agrees!’

‘I agree too.’ Nanny Sue’s voice takes me by surprise.

‘What?’ I say feebly.

‘I don’t think Minnie has problems in the slightest. She could do with more structure and discipline in her life, but otherwise she is just a lively, normal toddler.’

‘Normal?’ I stare at Nanny Sue stupidly.

‘Normal?’ exclaims Luke. ‘Is it normal to squirt ketchup at people?’

‘For a two-year-old, yes.’ Nanny Sue looks amused. ‘Entirely normal. She’s just testing the boundaries. Incidentally, when did she last squirt ketchup at anybody?’

‘Well …’ Luke looks at me a little uncertainly. ‘Actually … I don’t remember now. Not for a while.’

‘She is wilful. And at moments, she does seem to have the upper hand. I suggest that I spend a day with you and give you some advice on controlling her wilder ways. But I really don’t want you thinking that you have a problem child. Minnie is a normal child. A lovely child, in fact.’

I’m so taken aback I can’t find a reply.

‘She’s very intelligent,’ adds Nanny Sue, ‘which will be a challenge as she grows older. Intelligent children can often test their parents the most …’

She starts talking about boundaries again but I’m too chuffed to listen properly. Minnie’s intelligent! Nanny Sue said my child was intelligent! A genuine expert off the telly!

‘So, you’re not going to recommend any boot camps?’ I cut into her speech joyfully.

‘Ah, now, I didn’t say that.’ Nanny Sue’s face turns graver. ‘As I said, I did pick up something in my observations. And it worried me. Watch this.’

She presses a button and the film starts – but to my surprise, it’s not Minnie on the screen. It’s me. I’m in the taxi on the way to the discount mall and the camera is zooming in on my hands.