Neanderthal Marries Human

I crossed the room to Janie; she was leaning against Ashley. I took her chin in my fingers and peered into her eyeballs. As I suspected, her pupils were dilated.

“What the hell…?”

Marie stumbled forward. “Heya Quinn, whatzup?” She slapped me on the back. “Areya here for the wedding?”

I glared at her. “What did you take?”

Sandra burst into a fit of giggles, and would have fallen on her ass if Nico didn’t help her sit on bench. “I think it was…the shocolate.” She covered her face with her hands. She was still laughing.

Nico moved to Elizabeth and was studying her eyes too. “Hey, Bella, are you okay?”

Her head nod was over exaggerated. “I’m grrrrrrrreat!”

“Are you really here?” Janie asked. Her question brought my attention back to her. She twisted her arms around my neck. The amber of her eyes was almost invisible. I cursed under my breath.

“Janie, what did you take?” I pushed her hair from her face.

“It was the chocolate, I’m pretter sssure.” Sandra stood, staggered like she was going to fall, then walked to me. She stopped three feet away, placed her fists on her hips, and lifted her chin. “With ab-snythe…arbsooth…absinthe—absinthe…yep.”

“Absinthe? This isn’t absinthe.” Dan set Kat on the bench then knelt in front of her. He cradled her face in his hands. “This looks like LSD.”

“Or LDS.” Sandra shrugged.

Elizabeth giggled. Sandra looked at Elizabeth. Sandra and Elizabeth burst out laughing. Soon, all the ladies were laughing. Janie laid her forehead against my chest and gripped my arms. She was consumed by a fit of giggles.

“No….” Nico wrapped his arm around a laughing Elizabeth, frowned at her. “Not LSD. No hallucinations.”

Marie sat on the floor. “I can’t—I can’t….” I figured she was trying to say, I can’t breathe but was laughing too hard.

Kat pointed at Elizabeth as Dan sat next to her. I saw she had tears in her eyes as she said between snorts, “Too bad we don’t know any doctors.”

And the room erupted again.

I closed my eyes for a moment, shook my head. This was crazy.

Sandra was the culprit, I was sure. I walked Janie over to the bench and sat her next to Dan. I then turned to Sandra and placed my hands on her shoulders.

“Sandra.” I gripped her arms and shook her a little to get her attention. “What did you give them?”

Her laughter tapered off and her eyebrows lifted. Her eyes moved over my face like she was trying to place me.

“Sandra, what did you give them?”

I saw a flicker of lucidity in her gaze and she wrinkled her nose. “Amsterdam absinthe. It’s harmless.”

“Ohhhh….” Dan said. I looked at him. He rolled his eyes. “It’s hash, Quinn. Amsterdam Absinthe is a nickname for hashish.”

My stare slid back to Sandra.

She looked at Dan, and her eyes were squinted like she was confused. “No, no, no. I specifically remember. I wanted Absinthe-flavored chocolate because it’s supposed to be like…like…like a clear-headed drunkiness.”

“You got hash,” Dan said. He was fighting a smile.

“No. The chocolate—it’s Amsterdam Absinthe chocolate. And, besides….” Sandra pursed her lips and crossed her arms over her chest. “Hash is illegal. Absinthe is not.”

“Should we take them to the ER?” Nico lifted Elizabeth into his arms.

“Oh, Nico….” Elizabeth said, and she pressed her forehead and nose into his neck. “I love you.”

Janie and Kat leaned against Dan, who said, “Nah, if they were going to have a bad reaction, it would’ve already happened. Let’s just….” He was juggling Kat to keep her from falling, all while trying to be a good guy and not touch her bare skin. “Let’s just get them dressed and get outta here.”

“Dan the security man,” Janie said, and her arms went around his neck, her lips against his ear. “You’re cute but you’re short. Don’t listen to Randy Newman, Dan. You have lots of reasons to live.”

“He’s not short.” Kat fell forward. Dan was trying to keep her upright, and somehow she ended up in his lap. “You guys are the same height. If he’s short then you’re short.”

“Valid point. You’re not short, you’re perfect.” Janie reached forward and tried to give Kat a high five. The attempt went wide, and she fell forward onto Kat. Now they were both on his lap and laughing again.

“Damn it—can we please find their clothes?” Dan sounded like he was in pain.

I watched this exchange and was surprised that I found it funny. Seeing Dan uncomfortable always ranked high. The irony of his discomfort, surrounded by beautiful women in their underwear, one of which I was going to marry in two weeks, only made it funnier.

“Yeah,” I said, returning Nico’s grin. “Yeah, let’s get them out of here.”

“We can’t. We can’t go yet,” Marie called from her place on the floor. “Someone has to get married.”

“What?” Nico, Dan, and I said in unison.

“It’s true.” Ashley was swaying to invisible music. “We made a pact. We must act to follow the pact—we can’t redact.”

“Rhyme!” Sandra pointed at Ashley and—surprise, surprise—everyone started laughing again.

“No-no-no,” I said. “No one is getting married.”

“What happened to Donald?” Sandra glanced around the room.

“Who is Donald?” Dan asked.

“I think we got married.”

“Donald is gone. Forget about Donald.” I needed to get them dressed and in a car.

“He left me? Was he crying?”

“No. No crying.” I frowned at Sandra’s strange question. “But he’s gone.”

“Well…I guess we’ll just have to find someone else.”

“No one is getting married.” I said it louder this time. “You all need to put on your clothes. We’re going back to the hotel.”

“No-no-no.” They all called in unison. The ones who were sitting stood and moved toward each other. Then, as a group, they charged toward me. At least, they charged as much as they could considering they were stoned.

“It’s happening! We’re not leaving until someone gets married.”

“Sandra….”

She turned to look at me, blinked, then pressed her lips together. “You scare me.” She didn’t look scared. She also didn’t sound scared. “And you’re grumpy. Why are you always so grumpy? Tell me about your relationship with your mother. It’s ok to cry. I’m used to it.”

Ashley loud whispered and drunkenly draped herself over Sandra’s shoulder. “It’s true. She is. They always cry.”

“Enough. We’re leaving.”

“No! It’s the last thing on the list.” Elizabeth held up a list. It was a numbered list of ten items. All but the bottom one was crossed out.

They began calling to me in a chorus, tugging at my shirt. Janie made her way to the front, pressed against me, and whispered in my ear. “Please, please, please....”

“A little help here?” I looked to Nico.

He shrugged. “I don’t know how we’re going to get them out of here unless they’re willing.”

“Fine.” I gritted my teeth and said, “Janie and I will get married.”

“You can’t get married,” Nico said, trying to dissuade me with a vigorous headshake. “It’ll break your mother’s heart.”

I squinted at him. “What do you know about it?”

“I crochet with the girls every Tuesday. I know all about it.” Nico looked around the room then said to the Elvis impersonator, “What do we need to do to get married here?”

Elvis, who’d been standing like a statue, shook himself and stuttered, “Uh-uh-uh….”

“Who is getting married?” Dan asked over the continuing chorus of protests from the knitting group.

Janie was still rubbing against me, and I was starting to return her kisses. Fuck if she wasn’t driving me crazy. I’d never seen her so uninhibited. I was equal parts turned on and exasperated. She had me on fire.

“I’ll take one for the team. Elizabeth and I’ll do it.” Nico rubbed his hands together. He was smiling. It didn’t look like this was going to be a sacrifice.

Dan shook his head at Nico. “She is going to be pissed tomorrow when she finds out.”

“Finds out? She’s here, isn’t she? She’s awake, isn’t she? And look….” He pulled a box out of his cargo pants, opened it to show us a diamond engagement ring and two wedding bands. “I even have the rings.”

Dan glanced from the rings to Nico. “Did you plan this?”

Nico shook his head. “No. But I’m going to take advantage of it.”

“She’s stoned out of her mind.”

“Tomato, tomah-to.”

“Fine,” I said, putting my hands up because it was the easiest option, and Janie’s continuing assault had become overwhelming. I needed to put a stop to it or I needed to get her alone. I couldn’t leave with just her, and I wanted easy. I needed to get them home, and arguing with six mostly na**d knitters was the opposite of easy. “Fine. We’ll have a wedding. But everyone needs to get dressed first.”