No Tomorrow

That little flickering light left a lot to be desired.

I’ve been strong. I stopped searching for him, and I stayed away from our special places. But tonight is different, because he might actually be here.

I’m not surprised to see the old house hasn’t changed at all; still a lonely reflection of what I’m sure it once was when people lived there. I check out the shed first, and I’m disappointed to see it’s still empty. I have to question my own morals that I actually want to see the man I love sleeping in this old musty building. Next I check the porch, nearly jumping out of my skin when the wind slams the screen door shut behind me with a bang. If Blue is here, he definitely heard that. Disappointment grows when I see everything is exactly the same—the pile of notebooks, the tarp in the corner, completely untouched. Just to ease my mind, I try the door to the kitchen, and it’s still locked.

I don’t bother calling out his name as I’ve done in the past because I know if he’s here somewhere, he had to have heard that door slam, and if he did, then he’s purposely avoiding me. I can understand him not wanting to confront me in the parking lot of my office, but I’m here now, on his playing ground, and if he doesn’t care about me enough to come out of the shadows, then there’s nothing more I can do. I don’t want to play games. I’m a mother now, I have a corner office with windows, and I’ve worked hard to get my life together after he shredded my heart like a raptor. I can’t—I refuse—to let myself crumble again.

I high-tail out of there, race through the grocery store, then go to my parents’ house to pick up Lyric, which I should have done in the first place rather than hunting around for Blue. When my mother gets on me about how late I am, and how I should have called her, I don’t have the energy to argue with her, tell her the truth, or make up excuses. I dole out the best apology I can, pack up my daughter and her tribe of stuffed toys, and drive home.

Lyric falls asleep in the car, and the absence of her usual chatter gives me the chance to re-compose myself. Unfortunately, the moment we step inside the house, the sight of Acorn wagging his tail and greeting us with Penguin in his mouth dredges up my heartache all over again.

Sometimes, I do hate Blue, but I still can’t stop loving him.

Chapter Nineteen

“These are incredible. I think you found your calling.” The two-page magazine spread of Josh modeling for an expensive cologne line is impressive. His expression and his body language are so confident and natural, it’s hard to believe this is the same awkward teen boy I dated.

He rummages through the box on his living room floor between us, pulling out more photos. “Surprising, huh?” he says. “I enjoy it way more than I thought I would.”

I hold up a photo of him with a beautiful female model that I instantly recognize. “Well, who wouldn’t enjoy this?” I tease. “Is she really this perfect in person, or is this all photo editing? Tell me it’s editing.”

He laughs. “Nope, she’s that perfect.”

“Damn. It’s so unfair.” I put the picture on the floor next to the others and reach into the bottom of the box to pull out a few more photos while he flips through another magazine. The pictures I’m holding aren’t professional photos, but appear to be candid photos of him at a party with some friends, and a few of him kissing a guy.

Kissing a guy.

Studying the picture with my brow creased, I decide they must be friends joking around, but my breath hitches as I shuffle to the next photo, which shows them half naked, making out, and clearly groping each other. Before I can truly grasp what I’m seeing, Josh snatches the photo from my hand and throws it back in the box, slowly shaking his head back and forth.

“You weren’t supposed to see that.”

Wow. Ditra called this way back in sophomore year of high school, and I told her she was crazy. She was right. Josh is gay. Or bi.

I swallow hard and try to meet his eyes as he shoves the lid back on the box.

“Josh….” I don’t know what to say.

“I’m confused, Piper,” he says in a low voice. “Have been for a long time.”

I nod and touch his hand. “It’s okay. I am, too.”

So much makes sense to me now. This is why things never went further when we dated years ago, and why we’ve been strictly friends since we started spending time together recently. I haven’t just been friend-zoning him because I’m still stuck on Blue. He’s been friend-zoning me, too.

Damn. Maybe I’m just destined to never be in a normal relationship with anyone.

The brief moment of surprise and awkwardness fades away, and we let it. We resume our plans to make dinner and watch a movie. But when I yawn and tell him I should head home, he puts his hand on my arm to stop me.

“Can we talk before you go?” he asks.

“Sure.”

He takes a deep breath. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you...I’ve just been waiting for the right time. But now that you know...yeah, I like guys. And women.”

I’m not going to let this screw up my friendship with him. I need supportive people in my life, and he’s been at the top of the list since we ran into each other.

“Josh… it doesn’t matter to me who or what you like. You’re my friend, I want you to be happy. My head is messed up, too. You know that.”

“I know. And for the record, I think it sucks, because you deserve to be happy, and not be in love with some ghost of a guy.”

I ignore his comment.

“So, the breakup you told me about? The one that messed you up? Was it a guy?”

He nods solemnly. “Yeah, it was. He’s the first guy—the only guy—I’ve ever dated or been with. And you’re still the only woman I’ve ever seriously dated.”

“And I thought you were just a nice guy taking it slow with me because I was a virgin,” I tease.

“Whoa... don’t even think what you’re thinking, Piper. I didn’t not have sex with you because I wasn’t attracted to you. I was. You’re beautiful. I just didn’t want to lead you on when my head was so fucked up. I wasn’t going to let your first time be with a guy who wasn’t a hundred percent committed to you in every way.”

“Thanks.” Visions of my first time flash before my eyes. The hair pulling, damp stone against my face, the rip and tear of clothes and flesh, the endless biting and sucking. Blood and cum on my lips. Those smoldering blue eyes….

I cross my legs to quell the tingling in my thighs. Any time I think of the intimate moments I shared with Blue my body becomes his again. My heart races. My legs wobble. I’ll involuntarily lick my lips, waiting for his. Sometimes I swear I can smell the scent of smoke breaking through the barrier of my memories.

I miss him and how he made me feel so wanted. So loved. So alive.

I miss our little secluded bubble of love.

I miss him.

“Anyway, here’s the thing. I’ve been thinking…”

I blink and nod, forcing my brain back to now. “Uh oh….”

“Just listen, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I like hanging out with you. I love Lyric. I think you guys should move in with me. I’ll help you with Lyric, you won’t have to drop her off at your mother’s every time you want to do something, I can take Acorn jogging with me, we can just… I don’t know. Be there for each other. Kinda co-life together, until we figure shit out.”

This is not at all what I was expecting. “Um, what?”

“I have this beautiful house. I have four bedrooms. Three of them are empty, I don’t even have furniture in them. I’ve got this huge backyard. I spent so much time and money on this house, and I don’t want to give it up, but it’s driving me nuts that it’s so... empty.”

I blink at him and he grins.

“Your place is cute, but it’s small. You work on a snack table in your living room most of the time. You guys would have so much room here. I’ll charge you the same rent you’re paying now. We can share the kitchen. You buy your food, I’ll buy mine. I’ve got a living room and a den so we can either hang out together, or separate, whatever you want. There’s more than enough room for us to not be on top of each other.”

He’s right, this house is huge. It has rooms I haven’t even seen. One of the bathrooms is almost as big as my bedroom in my apartment, and the other three are damn near close.

“Are you serious? You want us to live with you?”

“I’m dead serious.”

“You didn’t forget the cat, right? He has to come, too.”

“I love Archie. Look at all the windows he’ll have.”

“I don’t know, Josh. It’s awfully tempting….” It is. We’re slowly growing out of my current apartment, but everything I’ve looked at in nice neighborhoods, that’s close to both my office and my parents’ house, is almost double the cost.

“I do have one requirement, though,” he says.

I cross my arms over my chest and raise an eyebrow. “I knew there had to be a catch.”

“You have to be my date for public functions and when I visit my family, and when they come here. I promise not to grope you. Just hold my hand and smile and pretend we’re dating. That’s it. No other strings, we’re roommates. No expectations, no lies, no hidden agendas.”